Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams

A New Story Begins

2011-10-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

Hello from Mommy-land. It is totally UNREAL to have this perfect little guy in my life. I've been wanting to update for a while, but I don't really even know how to put into words how I feel about everything, from labor to coming home, and now just over a week since I met my son. It's just unreal.
I have SO much to write about, but I'll dedicate this post to the labor and hospital stay... it's a long one, sorry in advance. On Thursday the 6th I had an appt in the morning. My doc told me that I hadn't made any change in the past two weeks... still at 1cm, and 60% effaced. I was totally bummed. Pat and I went to lunch, and I jokingly put on facebook that I was wallowing in self pity. During that day, even when we were at the docs, I kept telling Pat that I felt like I had bad gas pains (sorry, TMI lol). They weren't horrible, but just kind of persistent all day. Later that evening I felt what I thought might be a contraction, but it was just a quickish, bad pain in my back, so I wasn't sure. When I talked to my dad that evening I told him I'd maybe had a contraction or two, but was still not really sure. About 6pm I started having regular contractions... all in my back. I probably should have guessed then that things would get painful fast haha. By 8pm my contractions were definitely regular, definitely painful, and still all in my back. I tried various positions to help, sat in the bath, sat on the exercise ball... all that good stuff. Our plan was to go to my moms, who lived closer to the hospital, once I felt like I couldn't be at home. That happened around 11pm. By time we got to my moms, around 11:40ish, I was in a lot of pain. We stayed there as long as I could handle it, and headed to the hospital around 1:15am. At that point my contractions were 4min apart, which was our goal for going from home to hospital.
By time we got there I was pretty out of it. I threw up a couple of times, and the pain was really bad. I hadn't felt any of the contractions in the front because the back labor was SO intense. The doc did a check and LUCKILY I was dilated to 5cm. She also confirmed what I guessed as soon as I realized what I was having was back labor... Drake was "sunny side up". I got the epidural as soon as I could.
Once the epidural set in it was smooth sailing for quite a while. I progressed pretty fast from 5cm-9cm, and then everything stopped. My contractions, which had been off the charts were suddenly barely registering on the monitor. That lasted almost 5 hours!! They put me on pitocin, which didn't seem to be doing anything, and finally discussed a c-section. They said they'd turn up the pit one more time and then in a half hour make the call. Luckily things decided to pick up again.
I started pushing at about 1:30pm and 2 hours later, at 3:33pm, my beautiful son was born. He was immediately perfect and immediately the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though everyone had told me that it would be amazing, I just had no idea. Amazing didn't, and still doesn't even begin to describe it.
After I got all stitched up (blah) we moved to our room. The next few days (from Friday afternoon to Monday) are kind of a blur and mostly just all run together. The best thing I did, by far, was send the Husband home for two nights so that he could get some rest! We did have to stay an extra night because Drake had jaundice, but luckily we didn't have to spend an extra three days with him in the NICU because his labs began to even out.
Getting discharged from the hospital was the point where things got real, haha. I just kept thinking that at any moment I'd wake up from the amazing dream I'd been living in, or that the hospital staff would decide we really didn't get to have this perfect little guy all to ourselves. But, they basically kicked us to the curb with our baby, our bags, and our stockpile of stolen hospital supplies.
Overall we couldn't have asked for a better experience. It was amazing. My husband was amazing... BEYOND amazing. I don't think I have ever been so proud of him. Our son is unbelievable. I'm just so in love. It's hard to imagine life without him now. It's hard to imagine when he wasn't in our lives. He's perfect, and beautiful... and yes, all the crap we went through to have him was TOTALLY worth it.

Amazing

2011-10-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Drake Patrick10/7/11 3:33pm8lbs 7oz, 20.5in long

I'm totally in love :D
I'll update more later this week.

Ummm, Hello?

2011-10-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

Baby!! Hello!!! Today is October the 4th! Today you should be bursting forth into the world!! But alas, you are staying put. I almost don't blame you. It's gotten a bit cold outside over the last couple of days, and I am sure you are nice and snuggly and warm. But, you move so much, all the time, and you would have SO much more room if you were out here. More room than you can even imagine... and there are blankets, so you could be snuggly and warm too!! We are anxiously awaiting you baby boy!! Take pity on your poor parents and show up soon!!
So, yea... still pregnant. I feel crappy, but not horrrrrible. I think I could definitely feel worse. Mostly I'm just impatient!! I mean, come on kiddo!! We waited forever for you, don't make us wait PAST when you should arrive! I haven't really gone crazy with the "how to induce yourself" stuff. Mostly I've just been eating some spicy foods, walking and sitting on the exercise ball. I know there are other things I could be doing, so maybe I'm not desperate enough... or I don't think I'm lucky enough for those things to work. One of those.
I have an appointment on Thursday, and my fear is that I won't have any progression past where I was before (1cm and 60% in case you forgot). I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'd be sad. I'm not sure if they'll discuss induction at that point, or just say they'll see me in a week. I guess we'll see.
Here's a pic from today... hopefully the last weekly pregnancy pic I'll take!!

Oh Em Gee

2011-09-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

I remember a few months ago talking to a friend and saying "wow, I am in the 100 day count down to this baby!" and her response was "wait until you are in the 10 day countdown!" Guess what!?!? That is where I am today! 10 days until my little guy is due. Now, I know that he could come anytime at this point (please Lord, after all we've been through, get this baby here ASAP) or it could be a couple weeks past that date (in which case I will probably totally lose my mind). But in general it is just totally UNREAL! After nearly 3 and half years, we am less than two weeks away from becoming a family of 3... it blows my mind. I had my 38 week appointment last Tuesday, and was really hoping for some good news from my pelvic exam... even though I know at this point that dilation and effacement can stay the same for weeks. I was really hoping to be at least a couple cm dilated, which didn't happen. I'm only at 1cm. But, I was 60% effaced. So, although it's not crazy progressed, it's at least a start. I will say that I still have quite a bit of anxiety. As excited as I am, and as much as I have no reason to think that anything is wrong... I still worry. I worry that something horrible will happen to him in the next couple of weeks. That's part of the reason that I just want him here NOW!! Even though I know that just starts a whole new kind of worrying. I am trying not to stress too much, but man, after waiting SO long, it's hard to not be constantly nervous. I don't have too much else to update. I'm really uncomfy, but that's to be expected with only a WEEK AND HALF LEFT!! AHHHH!! I'll leave you with a picture :)

3 Weeks Left

2011-08-30T21:47:00.000-07:00

So... I started writing this post over 2 weeks ago!! I am such a blog failure right now. I'm unmotivated about pretty much everything. I'm keeping most of what I had previously written, so... when I apologized for not writing, really I'm double apologizing for then and now :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh my goodness! Sorry I haven't been writing more frequently, but I'm definitely getting to the point where I am pretty unmotivated to do anything.
The phase where I loved pregnancy and had the glow is officially over. Now I'm just huge and uncomfy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy and feel SO incredibly blessed and excited to be getting close to meeting this little monster... but wow... pregnancy at this point is just yucky. I do think my body will be partially trained to run on exhaustion by time Drake arrives, because at this point if I get one and half hours of uninterrupted sleep at any given point, I am lucky.

On a more positive note, I had two AMAZING baby showers!! I am so so so grateful for all the friends and family that showed up (and those who didn't) to support the Husband and I. The first shower was thrown by one of my bff's and my mom and was terrific! The other was thrown by a couple of Husband's cousins, and was also amazing. I can not believe all the thoughtful gifts that we received. It's easy to see that Drake is already very loved :D

I can't say that too much else is going on. I've been semi-nesting lol. Basically I'll get short bursts of energy to do tons of stuff, and then I just want to sleep. Or, I'll get a huge burst of cleaning/organizing energy and work all day and into the night on stuff... and then barf because I've totally overdone it...yuck.

We have started our childbirth classes which are pretty much exactly what I thought they would be. Our last one is on the 22nd. I'm secretly hoping that Drake arrives before then, but I'm sure that's wishful thinking.

I'm still plugging away at my Masters work, and hoping over the next week that I can get a few weeks of work in, so that I'm not worrying about that too much right when Drake arrives. Luckily my professors are really cool and I'm sure they'll be fine with me taking some extensions.

Otherwise things are just moving along... slowly. We have everything we need to take care of this little dude. We are excited and anxious beyond all belief. At this point I'm not too "worried" or "scared" (people keep asking me) about labor... because obviously it's not going to be pleasant, but what it will be is the end of a 3 year journey to hold this little miracle in our arms.

Can the next three weeks please go by super fast...

(p.s. I'm not even entertaining the thought that I'll go past due lol)

Is This Real Life?

2011-08-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that I really only have 8 weeks left of this pregnancy? Mind. Blown.

I think things are finally starting to get real... like, really real. Real enough, in fact, that we finally painted the nursery and even got the furniture. I still keep thinking that I need to slow down...that I shouldn't be rushing into it, but I guess at 32 weeks, I'm not really rushing.

The most exciting thing to happen recently was our 3d/4d ultrasound!!! Is technology amazing these days or what. It's like, almost too amazing, like scary amazing. We ended up getting to go twice because the little monster in my belly had the umbilical cord in front of his face, and when prodded just moved it more in front of his face. When we went back he had changed his body position to head down, but guess what was still right by his face in EVERY shot... yup, the cord. We did get some really cool pictures though... really cool, mildly creepy, pictures :)

Holy baby!! His eyes are open in this one, and yup... there's that cord, right there by his chin.

UH oh!! Frowny face :( The weirdness by his eye is the distortion from the umbilical cord... erggg, that cord, it better just stop giving me issues now!

We got a bunch more, but those are two of my faves :) So, needless to say I am totally in love. Not that I wasn't before, but this made it a bit more real.

Also, here is a picture of what we've got in the nursery so far... Really exciting I know. There is also a dresser, but it's apparently impossible to get the entire nursery in one pic.

We are planning on doing a pirate theme, which kind of just includes a lamp shade, and a small wall mural of a treasure map... maybe a couple pillows, haha. Kind of a theme.

Other than that, not too much is going on. I didn't get hired back to work, which is frustrating. It's rough being a teacher right now. Teachers in our district who have been there for five years didn't get hired back this year, so sad :( I can only hope things will get better, when I decided to be a teacher I definitely didn't see myself being 8 years into my education and not having a job. BUT, I'm sure once my little guy bursts onto the scene I will be happy to not have a job to worry about.

Other pregnancy things... The two biggest are general discomfort and insomnia. The insomnia is out of control. I can usually bet that at least a couple times a week I won't get to sleep until 3 or 4am, not fun. The discomfort I can deal with, even if that means I sometimes get nauseous in the evenings, not my favorite. I also have crazy dry skin that is horrific on my feet. YUCK!!

OH!! I have a baby shower next weekend, and one the weekend after that!! AHH!!! Then we'll really need to figure out space issues in our house! I think after those things will really start to go fast. Or they'll just go by horrifically slow for the next 8 weeks... ugggg!! HURRY OCTOBER, HURRY FAST!!!

No new belly pic this time... hopefully once soon!! Also, sorry for how rambly this post is. Today has not been my favorite day for a few reasons... erggg... trying to keep the pregnancy crazy inside... not easy!

Welcome to the Third Trimester...

2011-07-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a full body rash as a welcome gift. Yea... because what every pregnant woman needs is more crazy medical shiznit. On Monday or Tuesday (I really can't remember which) I noticed I had an itchy rash on my upper arms... the next day it was on my legs... now it's down my arms, down my legs, all over my thighs and starting on my belly. NEAT. Real Neat. I went to my doc and my OB... both of whom weren't really sure what to make of it. They think it COULD be contact dermatitis, or PUPP (preggo rash) OR a medication reaction... so really, it could be many things, they just aren't sure which. I did get a referral to a dermatologist, so we'll see how that goes. Mostly now I'm just itchy, and it's hot out, and I look kinda like a lizard.
Okay, not that I have gotten that out of the way... let's get to the exciting stuff... I'm in my THIRD TRIMESTER!! HOLY WOW! 12 weeks-ish left until I get to meet this crazy little monster. I absolutely love, love, LOVE feeling him moving all the time. Even if that means I am awake at 3am while he kicks my tummy hard enough to make it sore to the touch. It is SOOOOO worth it. We are hopefully painting the nursery within the next week, and maybe getting the nursery furniture within the next couple of weeks.
I still feel like, in a lot of ways, I am stuck in infertility/loss mode, and am putting stuff off that I should be getting together. Even though it is all feeling more real, I still wake up every day thinking something horrible will happen. I REALLY hope that feeling goes away soon. I have been steadily increasing the dose of meds I am on for a health issue over the past few weeks after I totally got caught by my OB for not taking the dose I was supposed to, I was just taking a couple (hundred) mg's less that prescribed... oops. Taking these meds while pregnant FREAKS me out to no end. But, I have reached the dose I'll be staying on, so that makes me fairly happy.
How am I feeling otherwise? Pretty decent. Sleep is crappy still, but it's Summer, I'm not working so it's manageable. In the last couple of weeks I have started to get a bit uncomfy, I def have a pregnancy body. As my husband so eloquently put it the other day "you totally look pregnant now, not just fat". Thanks husband :)
My mind is still pretty much broken, which made writing a research paper to finish up this semester of my Masters program super fun. Otherwise I'm feeling decent, and being super thankful that the last week has been relatively cool for a California Summer.
I can only assume that the baby is doing well... Like I said, he moves around like crazy, and I'm measuring correctly, and his heartbeat is good, and he's head down... so all those things bode well :)
Coming up in my future (other than the arrival of my little boy, hehe):
3D/4D ultrasound, hopefully within the next couple of week
My baby shower at the end of August
Childbirth classes, hospital tours, pediatrician picking... OH MY!

Things are definitely starting to get interesting!!
And, before I go... here is an new belly shot... also, sorry for not updating for a month... Oops, I'll try and be better about that!!

24 weeks!

2011-06-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

Holy cow! I think I've said this before, but wow... it is going by so fast, and so slow, all at the same time.
I've been meaning to post pictures since our anatomy scan... and I am going to be that type of person who posts their baby's parts online. Probably makes me a bad mom already, butttttt you'll all just have to get over it ;)

So... picture #1, not the greatest profile since he insisted on having one hand in front of his chin, and the other by his forehead... but still very cute. I love his little nose and lips... and all of him :)

Next picture... yup, I'm doing it. Here's his boy parts.

And, finally, here is a new belly picture. Taken just moments ago in fact. Definitely moving past the "maybe she's just getting fat" phase of pregnancy.

I've been feeling pretty good. School is OUTTT FORRR SUMMMAAAA, so that's always nice. What's not so nice... the fact that at this point I don't have a job lined up for Fall. Someday I hope that education will be a priority again, and that teachers will have jobs... and classrooms won't have 35 students in them... anddddd that's another story.

Back to how I'm feeling in regards to pregnancy:
Sleep - Crappy... but what else is new
Energy - Not much, but not the horrible exhaustion that it was. Easier now that I can sleep in :)
Mind - Pretty much broken, I can't think or concentrate,and I hear it doesn't get better. Fun.

How's the baby? Well, I can only assume from his NON STOP movements that he's doing well. I still freak out EVERY day that something bad will happen, but I want to believe this is real. Maybe once he's here I'll know it's real... although I guess I know I won't ever stop worrying...

I've got more to write... including a post about the baby shower that my class threw for me, that was the CUTEST thing EVER!! EVER! But, I want to sleep now.

Bye Lovelies :)

It's a...

2011-05-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

BOY!!

I know... World. Shocked.
I didn't really feel like I felt one way or the other but even I was surprised lol!
SO VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED of course, but surprised.

It was so very amazing to see the little dude (hehee) squirming around in there, and seeing and then feeling him kicking me when he didn't like being prodded for 25 minutes. I'll put pictures up sometime soonish, but since our scanner is not connected, it's quite the process at the moment.

19 Weeks... say what!?!

2011-05-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

So, yet again I've waited a month in between blog posts. Bad me! So, what's going on? Here is a short update:

1) My belly at 18 weeks... I haven't taken a pic this week.

There is definitely something happening in there! Speaking of which...

2)Baby Movement! All the time! I started getting the little flutters around 17 weeks, and in the last week there have been some definite kicks, some of which can be seen and felt outside my tummy. So strange, but so so amazing!!

3) BABY PICTURE!! It's from our 16 week (surprise) ultrasound. Sometimes it's really good to know people who work at the hospital!

SO AMAZING to see the little babe-a-roo wiggling around in there. The doc took a long time looking at the baby... we got to see it's little fingers and toes and it's little alien looking face :)
The doc tried to see the gender, but baby was not being cooperative! She did see enough to make a tentative guess, but I don't want to give that away yet!
I'm posting a poll on the side to see what you guys think

4) Our anatomy scan is ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!! Ahhh!!! So exciting! Of course I'm nervous, but mostly just excited, and PRAYING that baby will be cooperative so I can start buying stuff :) If it's a girl, the first stop after the doc's will be to Targ.et, where there are outfits I already have to buy!

lastly, and this one is mostly just funny
5) I told my class of 6th graders that I was going to have a baby... and by told I mean they all knew, and finally confronted me about it hahaha. They are much more observant that I thought, even sighting how I had "lots of doctors appointments, but didn't seem sick". They have been very cute about the whole thing, and ask me questions about it all the time. AND they are always offering to carry stuff for me, can't beat that!

Hope everyone is well!! Take a look at the poll, and make your guess!

15 weeks

2011-04-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided that not enough is going on to be doing a post each week. I mean, I could write about stuff... but it would getting boring faster than it already does.

Right now I'm just really darn happy to be safely out of the first trimester. Even though I am still a bit of a stress case, it is a lot of weight off my shoulders :)

As far as symptoms, the only ones that are really bugging me are the crazy dreams, and the lack of sleeping. I don't know if my dreams are waking me up... or if I just can't sleep and the fatigue is giving me crazy dreams... I don't know. It's not fun though.

Other than that most everything else has either dissipated or completed gone. My boobs aren't hurting too bad anymore, although I have gone up a full cup size, with no indication that the growing will stop. Also I'm still peeing a lot, but that isn't really annoying, it just is.

Best thing to happen in the last couple of weeks... the arrival of the fetal doppler that I bought off ebay, lol. It's so very nice to just hear the little babe-a-roo's heartbeat tickin' away. I try not to do it everyday... but that's difficult. Luckily I can hear it really quickly at this point, so it only takes about 2 minutes, and doesn't consume my entire day... because if it took that long, I'd totally let it.

Here is my new belly pic. It's a couple days before 15 weeks is officially here, but I felt compelled to take it today :)

It's still not super impressive, but I think I'm almost to the point where I look a little more than just suddenly fat. Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I'll actually get an actual "wow, there's a baby in there" type belly :)

13 weeks

2011-03-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

I totally skipped a week. Mostly because nothing exciting was happening. Not that anything is happening now, but I want to keep up on the updates :)

Since my last update I had my first, no RE's office, OBGYN appt! During this appointment I almost committed murder. Why? Because I was told I was getting an ultrasound, and then when I got there, I didn't get one. Apparently the person who told me I was getting one didn't realize I had had one before leaving the RE. So... they had the u/s machine in the room...and then took it out. Cue the rage. Actually, I held it together well, I didn't even cry. I just thought lots of angry thoughts.

We did get to hear the heartbeat, which was really nice. And the doc said everything was going really well :)
I'm still REALLLLLY nervous, but am starting to actually feel like this could be really REAL. AHHHH!!
Today I even made it real enough to buy a couple pairs of maternity pants. Not that I am showing a bunch, but my pants no longer button comfortably... most don't button at all. I am definitely going to be wearing the capri pants that I got though. They are allll kinds of comfy.

As far as symptoms, most of them are really mild at this point. What is sticking around, and maybe even getting worse, is the fatigue. I feel like I never really wake up fully... but then again it could also be because I don't really sleep at night. Sleep, in fact, has been horrible at best. Not sure if that is from pregnancy, stress, or some other health things I've got going on...
I have random quick bouts of nausea, but nothing major at all. I'm emotional, which is probably the one that the Husband notices the most... poor guy.
That's really it, other than some lingering boob pain, lol.

I'll leave you with my first belly pic. Today was the first time I've had the courage to take one.

Goodnight!

11 Weeks

2011-03-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

These posts are getting more and more boring. So much so that I skipped a WEEK!! Great, I'll have nothing to remember 10 weeks, haha.

So, like I was saying. Nothing is really new. Same symptoms, same fears, same insane countdown until the 21st, which is only 6 days away!!!

I'm terrified. Beyond terrified... I keep thinking that something will go horribly wrong at the ultrasound. I have no real reason to think that, but I think it's impossible not to.

I will definitely post next week... hopefully with some new pictures of the tiny fetus that seems to be getting to all the food that I eat before I do, leaving me constantly starving.

9 weeks

2011-03-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

These are going to be some boring posts for a while. Sorry.

Nothing new and exciting is happening. I'm just going along, trying to keep positive. It's really hard. I want to be happy and sure about this pregnancy, but mostly I'm just depressed. I'm really hoping that things will change one I'm out of my first trimester. My first trimester which, by the way, seems like it's 10000000 weeks long rather than just 12 (or 14 depending on what you are going by).

As far as symptoms...
-Nausea, mainly in the evenings, or when I let myself get too hungry
-CRAZY vivid dreams!! Like super real and mega crazy. Things like leading a tribe of people away from a volcano, or riding a giraffe though a field of foam shapes. Sometimes very realistic also, but mostly just strange.
-Headaches... I'm prone to these anyway, so I'm not sure that this is just pregnancy
-Fatigue. Can I just sleep all the time???
-Emotions. Embarrassing crazy emotions... Crying for 20 minutes after yelling for 10 minutes at my husband for stupid stuff. Poor guy.
-Restless Legs. Not bad, but another thing I've had issues with before. I haven't had too bad of a problem with it over the last year... until the last couple of weeks. Not sure whether it's the pregnancy, or the nervousness that comes with it.
- Shortness of breath/awareness of breath. This is a weird one. I guess I've heard of it in early pregnancy. When I'm laying down I feel this the most. Suddenly it feels like breathing through my nose isn't enough. I almost HAVE to breath through my mouth to feel like I'm getting enough air. It's not scary, just interesting.
-Sore boobs. Real sore. Nuff said.

Other than all that fun stuff, I'm just going crazy waiting for my ultrasound which isn't until the 21st!!! ahhhh!!! I'll also be 12 weeks then, so that'll be milestones of all kinds :)

Oh... and someone who is "in the know" told me I looked like I was "starting to show" today. No no... I'm just getting fat. Thanks.

8 weeks

2011-02-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

The hardest part of all of this is the not knowing.
I've seen the little Pumpkin Seed, and heard it's beautiful heartbeat... but only once. Between then and now, WHO KNOWS what could be going on??
Could everything have gone wrong since then? I don't know...
I don't do well not knowing. I'm not the type of person who can live in blissful ignorance and be okay.
The thought of waiting two more weeks for an ultrasound seems like a LIFETIME away. It seems an impossible amount of time to wait.
I know that every woman goes through this, and maybe I shouldn't complain... but I am.
I'm worried that the progesterone is what is causing everything I'm feeling. I'm also worried about having to stop the progesterone on March 8th. I think I'll be weaning myself off of it, since some ridiculous part of my mind is certain that the progesterone is the only reason I'm staying pregnant.

Other than those little freak outs, here is what's going on.

Symptoms:
- PAINFUL boobs! That's pretty much been constant since about the time I got my bfp, but wow... sometimes it actually makes me wince. I've started wearing a sports bra to bed, and while they still hurt, at least they don't wake me up when I roll over at night.
- Sickness. For a while it was WAY worse at night. The only times I've actually barfed have been at night, but I actually think I've gotten that under control. Now the queasiness lasts pretty much all day. I'm still working on making that distinction of starving = barfy = eat. It's such a weird sensation.
- Cravings. Mostly just for random things. Things that seem like I HAVE to have them or I'll die. Some favorites so far... bean and cheese burrito, mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, sou.r pat.ch kids candy
- Exhaustion. This actually just recently started. I'm the type of person who is pretty much always a little tired, but this is definitely more than that.
- Emotions. Just all over the place.
- Constipation, heartburn, gas

I've got the mandatory prenatal class at the hospital on Wednesday. Husband can't go because they only offer it on Wednesday :(
I'm really not looking forward to it, but to set up my next appts I have to go.

Hopefully they'll give me some free stuff :)

Behold...

2011-02-14T11:48:00.001-08:00

Our little Pumpkin Seed!

I think I can finally breathe... a little.

This was definitely the best Valentine's Day gift I could ever have hoped for.
I am measuring at 6w6d, which is exactly what I am supposed to be. We got to hear the little sprout's heartbeat, which was cruising along at 126.

I know we still aren't out of the woods. It's early. I know this is still a touch and go time... but at least we've got some more hope.

I signed up for my prenatal class, and now I need to choose and OBGYN.

OH... and my estimated due date is October 4th... Yay for all the holidays falling during maternity leave!!

I'll update more soon.

6w5d (almost)

2011-02-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm actually still on 6 weeks, 4 days, but it's night so I'm close.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am I'll have my first ultrasound.

I'm terrified.

I just keep thinking that nothing will be in there. I have no reason to think that, but I just can't get it out of my mind.

If it goes well it'll be the best Valentine's Day EVER... if not... then the worst.

To add to all that fun I have a GNARLY cold!! I'm a teacher, so of course I have to expect that some of the little sickly children will rub their sickly little germies on me. BUT, I do not need this right now.

I am thinking about getting in the shower to get rid of some snot, hahaha... that's TMI, but who cares. I need to get it out.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonight, although honestly I haven't been sleeping well at all. Between my boobs hurting when I toss and turn and the CRAZY dreams I've been having... sleep has not been my friend.

Don't get me wrong here, I am so very happy that I am getting to experience pregnancy. I am totally fine with the nausea that comes and goes at the strangest of times, and I'm also fine with the non stop gas!!

I think that if tomorrow goes well that I'll be able to breathe A LITTLE. I know the next fews weeks are still going to be rocky... and by next few weeks I mean the next 33 give or take. Haha.

I'm realizing that this post is ALLLLL over the place. So, I'm just going to go sit in some warm water and then try to sleep.

Good night!! Wish me luck!

5w5d - Still Crazy

2011-02-07T11:14:00.001-08:00

Well, I am quickly approaching my 6 week mark, and am feeling just as crazy as I have been since I got my BFP. I am trying as hard as I can to just enjoy this, but it's nearly impossible. My biggest fear, other than nothing on the ultrasound in ONE WEEK, is that all my symptoms are just from the progesterone suppositories (yuck) that I'm taking 2 times a day. I try to convince myself that this probably isn't very likely, but it's hard to believe myself sometimes :)

I will say that I have at least been reading WTE, and downloaded their little tracker app, and have looked at some other baby related stuff so that I can enjoy this potential little pumpkin seed a little bit. I think that if the ultrasound next week goes well I'll be able to breathe a little easier. I'm sure I'll be a stress case still, but at least I'll have had my "see it to believe it" moment.

So, at just under 6 weeks, this is what I've got going on.

A baby: The size of a sweet pea (awww)

Symptoms: Most noticeable - crazy boob soreness (yowza), and gas. Bad gas... bad gas cramps. Bad gas cramps waking me up at all hours of the night and making me take lots of a gas x. Other symptoms - VERY mild waves of nausea, HUNGRYYYYY all the time, peeing lots, tired a lot, bloated.

Emotions: All over the place. "Emtional" should probably be in the symptoms list, but I think part of it has to do with the hormones, and the other part is just general pregnancy stress.

A Husband: I think he's doing alright. He's excited, but trying not to be. I want him to enjoy it though.

An Ultrasound: NEXT MONDAY!!! AHHH!! Praying praying praying that we see a little bean in there!

4w5d - Rollercoaster

2011-01-31T11:09:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness!! I'm starting to feel like the infertility roller coaster was just the practice coaster before stepping up to the big leagues!
Pregnancy, even at this very very early stage, is insanely nerve wracking!! I am totally over analyzing every little thing. I try not to, but it's impossible.

The most frustrating part is that I want to be happy and excited, but I'm not :(
I just can't get my hopes up. I know that at any point something could go wrong... I can't stop the feeling of dread. I am really hoping that if things keep progressing for the next few weeks the way they are supposed to, that I'll eventually start feeling a little better.

So, in week 5 of my pregnancy, this is what I've got...

A baby... the size of an orange seed

Symptoms... like heart burn, incredibly sore breasts, some tiredness, and some crazy emotions

An ultrasound.... on Valentine's Day (which I'm really hoping goes well, or that will be one crappy holiday)

A husband... who is also having a hard time being happy, even though he wants to be.

A hope... that is could be the end of our wait.

Hopefully in the next few weeks things will get more interesting, in a good way.

Cautiously Optimistic...

2011-01-28T07:05:00.001-08:00

Well, after a very interesting week I can at least go through my Friday feeling pretty decent.
Just as any average, crazed, IF beaten girl can be expected to do, I started testing last Saturday. I told myself it was stupid as I was doing it, but I couldn't help it.
Saturday night: light positive
Sunday: light positive
Monday-Wed: Progressively darker

OH! And more importantly. Tuesday I had a little issue that landed me in the ER, and while I was there they did a blood hcg.... a day early (winner, me!)

Tuesday (13dpiui): 144

I've been avoiding posting because last time my second beta is where things went wrong. My numbers started going crazy, up and down and up and down. I didn't want to post if it was going to be like that.
Well, I called this morning, at 6:30, of course, and....

Thursday (15dpiui): 541

I'm pretty pleased with that. More than tripled seems like a good progression. I'm still scared, and I'm sure I will be through this entire ordeal. But, at least I'm starting to let myself believe that I MIGHT have a baby in my future.

Symptoms:
headache
cramps (these scare me, even though apparently they are normal)
very mild heartburn/indigestion
very very mild nausea
tired

I am calling the nurse at the IF clinic later so that I can schedule an ultrasound. I'm still nervous that all will go wrong, like I heard the number wrong, or who knows what else...
But, I'm going to try and relax and enjoy this, and pray pray pray that this might be the time it works out :)

IUI #4 - Done and DONE!

2011-01-13T17:03:00.000-08:00

Well, things yesterday went off without a hitch. The only crappy part was that Hubby wasn't able to be with me during the IUI, darn work. Actually, I take that back, I can't bad mouth a job that at least gives us some insurance....

SO, now I wait... wait and wait. Currently my whole life is waiting. Waiting on fertility treatments, waiting on news about my other health stuff. Waitttttttttingggg.

My first beta will be on the 26th...ahhh!!!
This cycle I'm noticing how tired the meds made me. Maybe it's because I've got more going on. I don't know. I've also been super emotional... and strangely not about the things that I probably should be upset about. Instead I notice myself tearing up at random moments in the book I'm reading, or during a tv show. Me no likey. I guess there is only more of that to look forward to.

My least favorite part of any cycle,the progesterone suppository part, starts tomorrow night. I really hate those little buggers. But, I will obviously take them diligently and act damn happy about it if they help get and keep me pregnant.

Over the next couple of weeks I've got a massive amount of school and work stuff going on, but I am definitely trying to not let the stress get to me. I think I'll be taking quite a few evening baths... not too hot of course... over the next couple of weeks.

Deep breaths... relaxing... positive thoughts :)

2011 Resolutions...and more issues

2011-01-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I'll start out by saying that I've had some health stuff come up... of course. Nothing is easy, and I don't expect it to be. I'm going to hold off on posting more about the stuff going on until I know more about it. Good news... we don't need to cancel the cycle. The testing, and even it's potential results shouldn't affect treatment or pregnancy. Still scary, but I'm honestly trying not to stress much until I've got some definite answers.

On to more exciting, or at least, less depressing stuff...

My fabulous, wonderful, awesome.... 2011 New Years Resolutions
Although I can't say that I fully met all of last years resolutions, having them here kept me a little more accountable.
LAST year my goals were...
1)Lose 25 pounds - I believe I lost about 15 since Jan, maybe 20. 24 total since I started to trying to lose weight 1.5 years ago. I'm feeling like I'm at a totally healthy weight now :)
2) Read 25 books... I didn't keep track of this well...I was darn close, if not there
3) Start Masters - Yup
4) Get and stay pregnant - obviously not :(
5) Get back to church - no, although I'm feeling decent spiritually
6) Be an infertility awareness advocate - not as much as I would have liked
7) Start my book - no.

THIS YEAR!!

1) Read 25 books in this, my 25th year. I'm already on book number 4. Have I mentioned that I got a Kindle yet?? If not, I did, and I love it.

2) Maintain a healthy weight. Right now I hover around 135-137. I want to keep it that way until I'm pregnant. Then I just want to maintain something healthy.

3) On that note... bring home a baby. Not really sure if I can resolve myself to do that anymore than I already have... but I will darn sure try :)

4) Graduate from my Masters program. I should be done in December... If I get pregnant and am due in fall/winter...that should be really interesting.

5) Attend professional development for teaching

6) Have a 2011-2012 contracted teaching job

7) Start my book... can't give that one up.

8) Keep staying crafty. I am LOVING crocheting, and wish I did it more. It's fun, and relaxing

9) all that other boring crap, lol... keep my house clean, eat healthy, blah blah blah. Stuff everyone wants to be better at :)

So, there ya have it. Those are my goals. I'm going to add a little widget about the books I've read :)

As for this cycle.
-Tonight (CD8) is my last night of Femara
-Approx. Sun-Tues (CD9-11) Bravelle/Menopur injections
-Approx. Tuesday HCG Trigger
-Approx. Thurs Donor IUI #4

I go in Monday morning for a follie scan. I'll post what I find out then :)

Hope everyone is having a productive and happy new year <3

Being Hopeless...

2011-01-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

is apparently what I need so that things have a chance of working out, lol.

I got a call from my RE yesterday (while we were at Disneyland, woo hoo) that they'd be able to see me today, CD5, to start my cycle.
I went in this morning, and got things all set up. I am going to be doing a combination cycle of Femara and Bravelle, which is new, but I'm sure will be fine.
It's crazy that next week I'll be having my IUI... I had totally written off the chance of anything working out this month. I think that worked out for the best actually. We went to Disneyland without the stress of starting meds or anything treatment related. It was really nice to just hang out. It rained, at times it poured, but overall it was a great time. We ate delicious food, and saw World of Color, and had a hilariously (albeit mildly painful) ride on California Screamin' in the rain.
GOOD TIMES... and now hopefully a successful cycle... maybe....

A Nice Punch in The Face...

2010-12-31T08:43:00.000-08:00

to end the year.

My period started early... It's been late for the last three months, but this time it was early.
Because it's early and the RE's office is closed today-Mon, and because we'll be out of town Monday... We'll be canceling this cycle I guess. Even if we were here on Monday, we'd still be outside the CD 1-3 testing area.
I just really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up for this cycle. I knew better than that. 2010 was the year of NO TREATMENT. I guess I shouldn't have expected that AF starting on the last day of 2010 would be anything but bad.
I put in a desperate voicemail and email to my doc to see if anything could be done on CD5 of a cycle, but I pretty much doubt it.

Right now I am beyond sad, and pretty pissed... but I guess I need to buck up, and get ready for our weekend get away...which happens to be to the Happiest Place on Earth, haha...That is some kind of sick joke I think.

I can't believe that it's been a year since my last resolutions post. I'll do another one when we return for our trip. I'm just trying to hope that 2011 is a whole lot better than 2010.

Back in the Saddle

2010-12-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

And by saddle, I mean stirrups.

I went in for my saline sonogram today, and as suspected it was all clear... yay me. I'm not really mad that I had to redo it... Lord knows I'd hate to get started and then find out something was wrong, but wow... I hate that procedure. I had it done last year, and yup... still uncomfy. I CAN NOT relax while I'm on the table, I shake from straining my muscles, and by time I leave I'm sore, even if the whole ordeal wasn't painful. It's ridiculous.

I had to get a blood test done (redone) that the RE forgot about last time. Forgetting stuff is pretty common for him...

BUT, I did find out that I'll be cycling with the NP there, who I love :) We were supposed to meet today to go over our plan, but she wasn't able to. I was fine with that since the only real discussion will be about the meds. She sent me an email about everything though, which I thought was nice of her since we couldn't meet.

Overall, I am really happy to be back at Kaiser and getting ready to cycle. I'm comfy with them, and they've gotten me pregnant before. The Husband is comfy with them, which is really important to me too.

In other news....
*I am done with the first semester of my Masters program!! Woo Hoo!! Even though it's a bit of a soul sucker, I'm reallllly glad I am doing it.

*This is my last week working full time with my AMAZING sixth grade class. Even though there are a lot of them, and they sure are full o' hormones, I love those kids, and will miss not seeing them every day. After winter break I'll be in there w-f each week. Bittersweet. We'll see how it goes.

*I have been reading a ton lately, and need to update my reading goals. I read the Hunger Games trilogy...it was AWESOME! I highly suggest it. Now I am reading The White Queen by Phillipa Gregory, it's also really good. It's for book club... the bood club where I've only managed to get through one book on time, haha. Mostly it's just a time-to-hang-out-with-good-friends club, which is fine by me.

*Also, not real thrilled about the holidays... everyone dealing with IF knows why. I'm trying, and I am SUPER excited about getting a Kindle... hopefully. But, I'm not really in the spirit, and the Christmas cards of friends with babies are pouring in.

All my IFers... I love you guys. Be strong this holiday season. Our time will come :)

Obviously...

2010-12-01T18:31:00.000-08:00

I should have known that I would not waltz into my RE's office and expect them to say "sure, as soon as AF shows, we'll start your cycle!" Why did I even think that was possible, lol... because it's NOT.

So, here's the deal.
One, I have to get some tests repeated because it's been over a year since treatment. This includes a whole heck of a lot of blood work, and a saline sonogram (joy). I'll do the bloodwork on CD3, and the sono around CD10. So, no cycle this month :(
Two, my doctor doesn't want me to use Bravelle as my main medication because I have such a high risk of multiples. This is a really tough pill to swallow. If the last cycle we did (in Oct 2009) hadn't been successful, it'd be different, but it was. And it was successful using Bravelle, which makes the thought of NOT using it mildly terrifying, like we are destined to fail if we use anything else. The doc said he'd leave it up to me, and I still could use only Bravelle, but he's more comfy with me using Femara, with a possible Bravelle booster. SO frustrating, especially since an amazing lady from my IF support group offered me some Bravelle free of charge. Unless I either come to my senses, or get told I have no choice... well, you pretty much see where this is going.
Finally, the doc is confident that we'll be able to start cycling in Jan, but of course had to add the "no guarantees" in there.... Thanks for that.

So, unfortunately I won't be cycling during Christmas, which is what I really wanted. Boo! But, what can you do. We are getting closer at least... closer than when we had no insurance, no money and no hope.

Now I just have to pray that all my repeat bloodwork and my saline sono comes back good. Nothing like more stress, eh?

Another Step Forward!

2010-11-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

I have an appointment on Wednesday!! It's a "re-consult", but may also end up being my beginning of cycle appointment, since AF is due to arrive any day now. I am hoping hoping hoping that as of Wednesday-ish we will be officially cycling again!!! We'll see how the week pans out :)

Is That Opportunity I Hear Knocking?

2010-11-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am the ABSOLUTE worst at blogging. If I ever manage to have a baby in the future, just assume the blog is done, because I'm already proving I can't maintain it, lol.

Good news is actually abundant right now, although every day I'm afraid it'll get somehow jinxed and we'll be back to the land of crapola haha.

First and foremost, I think we may starting treatment THIS MONTH!! WHAT??? Yea, I said it, THIS. MONTH. I'm at about CD8 right now, and man, I cannot wait until AF shows. Hopefully all goes well, and we'll be cycling very soon :)

Other super good news, the Husband is working, and happy!! Both of those are amazing because it's been a long time since he was either of those. We are both a little wary of the holidays, especially since my stepsister is expecting her baby here within the month. BUT again, hopefully once we are cycling, it'll be a little easier to handle.

Other work related... I think I'll actually have a job for the rest of the year, wooo hoo!! The teacher I am currently working for (while she's on maternity leave, obviously) only wants to come back 40%, so that'd leave me teaching the other 60% in the class, which is amazing. I would be pretty darn devastated to leave my group of kiddos at this point.

As far as my new years goals... I'm meeting many of them, I think.

-I've lost about 25 pounds in the last year and a half
-I haven't read 25 books, because I keep reading the SAME ones over and over lol.
-I don't know how domestic I've become... I've done some fancy cooking, and a bunch of gardening, but not very much crocheting (I want to get back to that)
-I am almost done with my first semester of my MASTERS which is really exciting, although I wish I could put a bit more into it.

I can't say that that much else is going on. It's busy, but in a good way. I CAN NOT WAIT to start treatments!! Wish me luck!! I'll write more about our plan and our donor when I actually figure that part out, haha.

OH!! A big CONGRATS to Kate over at Steady as it Comes, who welcomed her BEAUTIFUL baby boy, Griffin, into the world this past week! FINALLY!!!!

Slacking... But What Else is New.

2010-08-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

I know, again and again I say that I am the worst blogger, but I never change. And in reality, I guess the WORST blogger would create a blog and then never write at all, so maybe I'm just sort of the bad, haha.

Not too much is new on the baby front. We are hopefully going to start cycling next month, but it's not for sure... because....

I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!! That's right! It might only be a half year job, but it MIGHT go longer. Either way, it's a consistent job teaching sixth grade (the grade I was scared to teach). Now, granted I've only had 3 days with these kiddos, and it's probably still our "honeymoon period" but so far, so good! I am loving it. I like the dynamic of a sixth grade room, and I LOVE the curriculum! This will be the week we really start getting into the real work and I am psyched!

Also on the academic front, I am starting a masters program. That, I believe, was one of my goals for the year, and if all goes well I should be admitted and starting the real work in the next couple of weeks. I am really excited to get this started, and excited to have a classroom to work in, rather than having to volunteer.

That's just about it for me right now. I'm still wanting to start treatment next month... the only thing that would stop us is if I feel too stressed from teaching, but I'm hoping I can use the next couple of weeks to decide on that. The possibility of treatment gives me so much hope, and having a steady job gives me even more. I am so excited about stuff right now, it's a great feeling.

I see good things in the near future!

I Have A Hard Time Waiting.

2010-07-24T16:31:00.001-07:00

I admit it. I knew about 20 seconds after we got the call about the grant that we would be back into treatment as soon as possible. Even though the grant doesn't cover everything... even though we should probably wait a bit longer... even though... oh forget it, I'm out of reasons, and tired of waiting!!
We aren't going to start cycling this month, or even next, but maybe within the next three months! AHHHHH!!!! WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS! Holy cow! I called and made an appointment at the clinic we'll be using now, since we aren't bound by insurance (lucky us... no insurance, lol). We started a new donor search and have even narrowed it down to a few key players with names like The Viking and Roller Gang (lol, naming our donors is our favorite part).
My husband has been in a better mood since he found out about the grant, and the possible start of treatment, although we are both really scared about starting again. I don't think we'll be truly happy until there is a little bundle of joy in our arms. That saddens me a little. I wish we were still blissfully naive about baby making. But, at the same time, I know this whole experience will make us stronger, better parents. And that eventually we'll achieve our goal of bringing home a beautiful little tot... or two, lol.

Of All The Days.

2010-07-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

Today is the day I've been dreading. The day that the little computer web site calculator thinger told me I'd be having my baby. Now, I know that it is called an ESTIMATED due date, but still... I've been wishing the world would just skip this day for the last 8 months. Yesterday I was a wreck. It was one of those sudden crash and burn situations. I felt happy and energized all day, and then around 3 I just lost it. I'm not sure if it was getting off work and having time to think... or my Hubby posting "who wants to be born in July anyway" on his FB that set me off... but whatever it was, it was bad. Luckily my husband sat with me, and hugged me and let me being a ridiculous mess of crying, and then took me to dinner. I fell asleep when it was still light outside.

This morning I woke up at 5... decided I didn't have the energy or motivation to go to my normal Friday swim workout and when back to sleep. The phone rang at 6:30. Weird. Our ringer was off, but we both woke up when the answering machine clicked on...

Cue crazy coincidence...

The machine picked up, and it was a board member representing a grant we had applied for months ago. We hadn't heard from them, and naturally just assumed that they had received more needing applicants.

Well, apparently our story really touched them because they are offering us $3000 towards treatment. I cried on the phone. I said thank you 100 times. I told the man who called that today was my edd (estimated due date), he said it was divine providence, and I agree. I cried when I got off the phone. I jumped up an down.

In the fertility treatment world $3000 isn't a fortune, but in our fertility treatment world, it's the jack pot. It's hope. It changed a day we've been dreading to a day full of possibilities.

Jumping back into fertility treatments seems terrifying and exciting all at once. I called a fertility clinic for pricing, and while their prices are high, they actually aren't as high as I thought they'd be. I feel like I can almost plan again. I've been paying off my credit card, which was full of our past cycle debt, and once we get everything confirmed through the grant we may start doing some more serious planning.

This day still hasn't been the greatest. There are lots of feelings. Mostly of guilt and failure, but at least now I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's dull. Mostly today I am just thankful. Thankful for this grant and for organizations that give couples like Pat and I a chance. Thankful for my amazing friends that wrote beautiful, thoughtful, AMAZING recommendations letters for us. And thankful for hope. Thankful that I'm letting myself not be totally destroyed by this day. Just thankful.

Side note: I'll write more specifics about the actual grant and the organization once they make their official announcement of recipients.

Updating My Goals, and Sneaking Back into the Blogosphere

2010-06-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

I know... I've been MIA. I am not great with blog updates. Mostly because I simply have nothing to say. Things have been pretty darn depressing around here, but I'm expecting that any minute they'll get better, lol. I've been expecting this for the last couple of years... so it's got to happen soon, right?

I decided that at the very least I should update some of my goals, since I am still working on most of them :D

1. Lose 25 pounds: I'm glad I'm starting with this one, because I have been kicking butt on this goal. In the last weekish, while AF has been here, things have been up and down, but the week before that I had a couple incredible weigh-ins, and I'm sticking to those. 23 pounds down since last year at this time!! Woo hoo!! In honor of that good news, I'm putting my weight loss ticker back up on my blog, just to make myself feel good. haha.

2. Read 25 books: I'm kind of sucking at this, but I'm planning on getting back on track, especially since it's summer, and my job isn't going to involve a lot of planning. I think I've read about 10. I need to get back to Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (sent to me by the fabulous Melissa over at Banking On It). I know it's going to be really good, but I need to get back to actually reading it... which might mean dealing with my issues... ahhh!

3. Take my GREs and apply for a Masters program: nopedy nope nope

4. Get and stay pregnant: no, you have not missed that post... no treatments in site.

5. Get myself back to church: no... I haven't had the drive I know I should to get back there. I finished up that bible study, but haven't gotten back into another :(

(this goal update is actually making me more depressed lol)

6. Infertility Awareness: I haven't made the huge advances I'd like to, but I'm definitely out there talking about it, making people aware of the issues, so that's a plus.

7. Start my book: no, not yet, but I am taking the advice from the other Melissa over at Stirrup Queens, who is doing a little blog series about being published :D

NEW ONE

8. Become a little more domestic (haha): Okay, so I am now the proud owner of an amazing garden. I planted it a couple months ago, and it is just amazing!! I will post pictures soonish. Also, along with the occasional crochet order, I JUST (JUSSSTTT) fished my mom's sewing machine out of our garage (apparently it was living in our garage with a bunch of her other stuff, who knew) and I am excited to make an apron, or a quilt, or some other crafty crap. I swear, not being able to fulfill my goal of motherhood has made me want to do hells of other woman stuff. It's disturbing.

Well, I actually have a couple other things I think I want to write about, but I don't want this post to be insanely long and (more) boring, so I'll stop here for now. Thanks to those of you who are still reading!!

Byeee Lovelies :D

Still

2010-05-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Still here. Still infertile. Still no treatment plan in sight.

Still nothing new to write about. Still no motivation to think of anything to write about.

Still waiting for that to change.

Ohhh Sneaky Infertility

2010-05-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Why do I assume things won't bother me? Even though I know they are bugging all my other IF friends? Today is a perfect example. All week I told myself that Mother's Day was not going to get me down... why would it? It's not a holiday I put much thought into normally. It's not like I count down the days until it's here. It's not Christmas. I've been working in a kindergarten room the last couple of weeks, and even doing the Mother's Day stuff in there didn't impact me at all. I thought I was totally safe.

Then I woke up this morning and logged into FB. Cue the breakdown. I think what really get's me is just being reminded that my entire group of close friends are now moms. Sometimes more than once. Most of them all in the time we've been trying. It's not so much being left out of the club, it's more just not having a place to belong at all. Feeling so stagnant in my own life, that it seems like I'll never move forward.

The stagnant feeling unfortunately extends way past infertility in my life... but I guess that's another story.

Luckily I think I'll be able to avoid most people today, since I have some work to do at the school I'm working at. I called my own mom, and sent a couple texts, but I'm not doing a status update about a day that doesn't apply to me, and I'm not sending out any kind of mass text to everyone. If the Hubs wants to do it, that's fine. But for me, my goal for today is just get out alive, and start a new week tomorrow.

Hope everyone else out there is getting through the day alright. I cannot wait for my RESOLVE group tomorrow!!

I Survived

2010-04-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago the Hubs and I climbed into bed semi early-ish to just lay and talk. About 10 minutes after we laid down, I got the call I've been watching and waiting for. The call that my best friend was going into labor. My best friend who, along with her husband, has been with me every step of the way through my infertility journey. They are more than friends, they are family and yet I have been simultaneously dreading and hoping for this pretty much since the day we found out she was pregnant.
I pretty much immediately went into survival mode, mostly because I was the designated night time babysitter of her toddler and had to get my stuff packed for the next day and scoot my booty over to their house (I seriously should have packed a "ready to go to the hospital" bag for myself... or, I guess, a "ready to babysit while your friend goes to the hospital" bag). Their toddler, hereafter to be known as The Tot, was already asleep so I pretty much did the same. The next morning while I was getting ready for work I got a text that the baby should be born within the hour... I cried. A couple hours later I got a text picture of a fabulously healthy, beautiful new baby. I cried. I went home at lunch. I cried. After a couple more moments throughout the day, I pulled myself together and Hubby and I headed to the hospital to meet the newest member of our second family. The entire way there I told myself it was okay to cry, they'd understand. We got there and I looked at that brand new tiny little dude and... I didn't cry. I DIDN'T CRY! That was pretty much the shock of a lifetime. All I wanted to do was hold him, and I did, and it was fabulous. The only time I almost cried was when Pat held him, but that always makes me a little teary eyed anyway... it's just so darn cute to see.
I hate the conflicted feelings that come with infertility. How can I simultaneously be so happy, and so sad at the same time? So excited and yet so angry? It defies nature. I am still having the ups and downs that come with a new baby that isn't mine, especially since I had that small glimpse of being pregnant at the same time my friend was, and knowing that I should be due in 10 weeks, but am not. I know there will be more ups and downs, there always is. But really I'm chalking this one up as a win, since I can actually be around the little dude and not totally break down.

If I knew I wouldn't get the virtual stab from everyone out there, I'd post a picture of the little cutie patootie that, like his older brother, has totally stolen my heart. I can't wait to hold him lots more! Good thing his mommy is sympathetic to my craziness. For now I have one more day to hang out with The Tot before his little brother comes home to ruin his life, lol.

Advocacy - Again.

2010-04-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason this seems to be the part of my resolutions that I have been keeping up on. I've got two new projects that I am going to work on.

The first one I found out about through one of the best fertility blogs out there, Stirrup Queens.
Project IF, which is an ongoing advocacy project run through RESOLVE, strives to get bloggers to unite and get talking about infertility and the challenges that we infertiles go through to build our families.
IF you'd like to participate, head on over to Stirrup Queens, read up on the full project and leave your "What IF".
The second part of the project will be announced later on this month, on both the RESOLVE and Stirrup Queen's websites.

The second advocacy project I'm going to work on is having a sock drive. That's right, you heard me, a sock drive. If you have been in the IF community for long, you've probably heard of these, and maybe even participated in one. If not, the idea is that us infertile girls spend wayyyy to much time with our feet up in stirrups, and that we should at least be able to look at pretty socks while we've got our feet up. I love the idea because it's simple, affordable... and because I have a weird sock obsession to begin with. So, I did a little searching and I found a really cool site that is all about donating socks to infertile girls (and maybe even guys... I know my hubby spend a fair amount of time on a table getting prodded). The site is, aptly name, Fertility Socks. It's set up really simply, with some good info, and a way to donate, as well as sign up to receive some socks.

My plan is to start my very own sock drive, and hopefully get a good box load to send to them. I'm going to post it on my Facebook, and hopefully I'll get a little bit of the idea of the whole thing out there...without just sounding like a total crazy freak :D

On the everything else side of things, nothing is new. I am anxiously awaiting official confirmation that I am a REAL fully credentialed teacher. They don't send me anything, no plaque, no certificate, but I'm still excited for it to tell me online that I am a real, qualified... unemployed teacher.
Nothing at all is happening on the baby frontier. I'd like to say that I'm not thinking about it, and just going about my merry way, but obviously that's a lie. I think about it all the damn time! It's never ending. Even when nothing is happening, and there are no plans for anything happening... it's still just always at the front of my mind.
I've been somewhat on the verge of another emotional breakdown, although I'm holding it at bay pretty well... I think. I think it has something to do with the fact that baby number #2 is about ready to arrive for my best friend, and being around her fabulously pregger belly is getting harder and harder. Especially because pretty much just cry every time I think about the baby actually arriving. It's such a... I don't even know... paradox? conundrum? pain in the ass? One side of me is DREADING the arrival, the other part of me just can't wait to meet the little guy. UG, infertility, you are a confusing skank indeed!

Oh gosh, sorry for this UBER long post. In other, other news, I've lost a couple more pounds (146, woot woot!!), and read a couple more books. I'm starting a new one now called Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (thanks a bunch to Melissa over at Banking On It for sending me a copy).

Okay... I'll stop boring your ears...errr eyes... off.

Hope all is well out there in the blogoverse!!

Don't forget that NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) is quickly approaching, April 24th-May 1st :D

Happy Blogaversary To Me!!!

2010-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

Cripes, I almost forgot that today is my 1 Year Blogaversary...Blogday? I don't know. Either way I'm not real enthused about it.

It's probably got something to do with knowing that TOMORROW is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I know, a little dramatic, but true. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's first 0 sperm count. I guess maybe finding out I was having my miscarriage should trump that, but for some reason it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I know pregnancy, in theory, can happen again. Hubby's sperm count, on the other hand, has pretty much no chance of every magically appearing. It's just not going to happen.

I've thought about both of these anniversaries a lot over the past couple of weeks. Last March (and really all the months since) have been difficult. Not that we never had anything bad happen to us before, but his first 0 count was so devastating, so completely life altering, that I still think about it at least 3 times a day... and that's being very modest. I probably think about infertility in general at least 20 separate times a day... gosh... it really is a problem.

I have been pondering what I would write about. I want to say something like "the last year has really shaped me into a stronger person" or "my husband and I have become such a magnificent team over the past year", but really, while that all may be true, what jumps to the front of my mind is that I F%*&ING HATE INFERTILITY and that I feel like I will never bounce back fully from this past year, and that I feel like not only have we not moved forward, but now we not only have infertility, but we also have (at least) one dead baby. That's how I really feel about the situation if I don't reign in my emotions.

I know that I am stronger... I know that. Unfortunately I'm weaker in the sense that I have labeled myself an infertile, and now have a hard time getting away from it. I am going to work more on being an advocate (I feel like I've really found something I can make a difference in with this), and put less focus on just being childless, that's a new goal of mine. I know there are some things that just can't change right now, but I know that there are some things that can. I am still continuing to work on myself, and my relationship with my hubby, and there are lots of things in life that I can make the best of right now, because I know that I am blessed in many ways.

*******************

I thought about not even posting a blog entry for today, but I think I need to, at least for myself. I think I need to be able to label how I'm feeling, and I guess the optimist in me thinks that someday I'll look back and thing "hahaha, look how silly and angry I was, now I have fabulous children, and I am so happy... I can't even imagine how I was back then".

I really hope that happens.

Reaching A Goal

2010-03-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

So, as I've mentioned before, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to become more of an advocate for infertility awareness. I wasn't really sure how to go about this, since I've got no money or power of any kind, lol. One thing I figured I could easily do was get information about, even if it's just on a small scale, about what it's like to go through treatment.

Apart from this blog, I also write for Fertility Authority. I wrote this blog about being an advocate.

**********

I am out of the closet . . . the infertility closet.

My friends know, my family knows, my coworkers know . . . heck, the random person walking down the street might know something about our infertility.

If you know me at all, you most likely know that my husband and I are infertile. You probably know that I’m a teacher, I love kids and that we’ve always wanted a family. You know we started trying two years ago and that we’ve undergone treatments. You may also know that one round of treatment was successful, at least for a little while.

If you bring up babies in a conversation or ask me why I don’t yet have a baby, prepare to know. In detail. If you ask my husband, prepare to know even MORE detail.

Why? Because I know that for changes to be made in the way people think about and treat infertility, people need to talk about it. I know that it’s a rough subject and I know it can be uncomfortable, but most important subject are.

The need for advocacy, when it comes to infertility, is vital. If you are currently on your own infertility rollercoaster, then you are probably already aware of the lack of knowledge most people have about the subject. Dealing with people who aren’t going through the same thing can be really difficult. People, in general, don’t get it. They can’t unless they’ve been there, and while I’d never wish infertility on anyone, I definitely wish they had more knowledge about it.

Teaching people about infertility seems to happen in layers. Layer one seems to happen when you don’t want it to. It’s the layer that happens when people ask, “Why haven’t you started a family yet?”

Now, I know that not everyone is comfortable answering directly, but if you are like me, then normally it goes something like this, “Actually, we’ve got a whole team of professionals working on that for us, hahaha” or, “Actually we would love to start a family, but for us it’s going to be a long journey.”
Layer one, for me, is the hardest.

After that, the layers, seem to be a little easier. I like to tell people a little bit about what type of infertility we’re dealing with, and what our treatments are/will be, and what our experiences thus far have been.

Then I like to delve into a bit of advocacy. I want people to know that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility. Not because I want their pity, but because people need to know that insurance, basically, is not covering procreation. For many people this means that if you are unable to procreate in a totally naturally way, then you are unable to have a family. I want people to know that even if treatments are “covered,” like with the insurance we used to have, that it can still cost thousands of dollars per cycle.

People don’t know this, they really don’t. They don’t get that this is like saying, “If you can’t walk into a building naturally, you don’t get to come in” or, “If you can’t see a book, you don’t get to read.” It’s unfathomable to me, and it should be to anyone, that a person’s right to have a family can be denied, even though -- as we all know -- many people out there choose to recklessly play with their lives and have children in unstable homes every day. These people aren’t “tested,” they aren’t expected to pay thousands. They get what is natural, and so should we.

I refuse to be ashamed of the path that my husband and I are taking to achieve having the family we deserve. I don’t want my children to ever feel ashamed that their family was not built in the “normal” way. Advocacy can help change the way that people view fertility treatments, and hopefully over time, it will change the way that insurance companies see treatments as well.

There is no pity at my party. I am proud to be an advocate.

Check out My Etsy!!

2010-03-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

So, apparently crocheting is all the rage? Have you heard? Well, hear it now! If you thought that menopause inducing hormone shots, and bottles upon bottles of drugs were all you needed to feel old... guess again! Now you can add needle crafts!

And, because it is common knowledge that I am a total follow of fads... okay not really, I'm always a day late and a few thousand dollars short... I decided I'd jump on the bandwagon. After all, I've got nothing else going on, right?

So! Without further adieu... ANNOUNCING...

FERTILE THREADS <---- click me! click me!!

My totally awesome, crocheted item, store! Right now I've only got baby hats listed for sale (ironic, ya?), but soon enough I will have more kid and adult size beanies, and hopefully scarfs and other biggish stuff. I'm really excited about it, and excited about the name! All of the money from this store is going towards paying our fertility treatments, and while we probably won't be starting anytime soon, we will at least, hopefully, have a little extra dough when we do!

In other, totally exciting news... I PASSED my last big test for my teaching credential!!! AHHHHHH!!! Now all I've got left to do is get my CPR re-certified (oops, forgot I needed that) and within a couple of weeks I'll be fully credentialed, and waiting for the economy to slap me in the face with a crazy lack of jobs!
Still excited though :D
YAY!!!

Oh, and I finally broke 150 pounds, I'm almost down 10 pounds!!

Bye Lovelies!

Worst.Updater.Ever.

2010-02-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

Ya, I know... I am just plain horrible at updating. There is no excuse for it, other than the fact that I just don't have that much going on.

I need to catch back up on my Thankful Thursdays, and I plan to do that, buttttt, my other excuse for not updating that I am really trying to spend less time on the ole' interweb. I know, not very conducive to a successful blog, but I'm trying.

Let's get right into my lack of stuff going on, with a thoroughly unexciting update on the goals I set at the beginning of the year.

1. Lose 25 Pounds - HAHAHAHA, I think I've lost 5, which is something, but really... I could be making a better effort. I've lost the last 3 since I started back to work full time, so hopefully that keeps working.

2. Read 25 books - I'm actually doing pretty well on this one.
Here's what I've read thus far:
Peter Pan
Sookie Stackhouse Novel 8
Sookie Stackhouse Novel 9
Percy Jackson and The Olympians - The Lightning Thief
... I think that's it... but I'm pretty much on track, I think.

3. Take my GRE's and apply for a Masters program - no.. just no.

4. Get (and stay) pregnant (for 9 months... then bring home a baby) - hmmm, lemme check... no annnddd no. No progress, no pregnancy, no money... no

5. Get Myself Back to Church - I've been attending a bible study, but have yet to get back to an actual service... I am sooo antisocial!!

6. Be An Infertility Awareness Advocate - Every gosh darn day!! I haven't made any really awesome, world changing steps with this, but it is something that I talk about, and hopefully I've helped at least one person become more aware.

7. Start My Book - Still no... I mean, I have some materials and even a concept map of sorts, but nothing further.

And there ya have it. My very uninteresting update.

Other random things...

I've started to crochet a scarf (woo hoo!). I actually learned to crochet a couple of years ago, but never really pursued it, now with some free time on my hands it just seemed like the thing to do. I've got about 2.5-3 feet of a cute gray scarf happening. Hopefully I finish it.

Today I found a new obsession... ancestry dot com... thanks to Kate for introducing me to this hour wasting awesomeness :)

And a final word (or words)... being out of school is strange. Just working, with no studying or homework or paper grading is crazy!!! So much free time!!!

I am loving it! lol.

I actually have a really good blog to write, but it'll take time and emotions, so I am saving it.

Thankful...errr...Friday and IComLeavWe

2010-01-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Hi IComLeavWe-ers! As usual I am a day late and a dollar short, lol.
Welcome to my page, If you didn't see on the Stirrup-Queens page, my blog is mainly about male factor infertility and sometimes about loss, with just a sprinkling of my experiences teaching thrown into the mix. Feel free to checkout the timeline located on the left hand side of the page to get a general idea of our infertility journey. I recently started a new segment called Thankful Thursdays which I managed to get out on time for 2 weeks... that's pretty much typical. Hope you enjoy :D

Appropriately enough, Thankful Thursday (Friday) this week is all about the amazing online IF communities that I found.

The online infertility communities that I am involved in have been the only reason I have stayed sane over the last two years. They are my lifeline. I know I can almost find one person online that I can talk to about what I am feeling. I also know that when I do find another IFer to talk to, that they won't judge my feelings, which is something hard to find when dealing with fertility in general. I've talked to my online IFers numerous times about the fact that we are so glad to have found each other, even if we wish it had been under different circumstances.

I'd like to give a couple of special shout outs to women without whom I would have totally gone crazy through my infertility journey :D

Kate: You are amazing! I hope you know you are. Thanks for listening to me cry, complain, laugh, cry more, and be angry darn near every day over the last couple of years. You are an amazing mom already, and someday we'll both look back at this crazy journey and, well... we probably won't laugh, but we'll flip off the past and just be happy with our babies :D Oh, and thanks for taking me around Baltimore! You're awesome!

Andrea: We are so alike it scares me...lol. You've pulled me through a lot of hard times. I am so very glad that you are pregnant!! You are going to be an amazing mom. Thanks for helping me keep the faith :D You always leave me smiling (that's what she said ;0 )

Melissa: Yay!! Someone who lives in my timezone! haha!! Boo for someone else who has to deal with male factor, it's a big lame suckhole, but I am glad that I finally have someone to totally relate to... I know that have to relate over that sucks :(
It also sucks that we are both on our forced break, but I know that one day we'll get through that, and we'll eventually have beautiful little DI babies which we can hopefully take to Disneyland...and we'll all eat at the Blue Bayou, right? RIGHT?

Courtney and Tamara: Thanks to both of your for your ongoing listening and advice, and congrats again on your beautiful, beautiful babies :D

If I've forgotten anyone I'm really sorry. Just know that I am grateful for every single person I've met during this crazy journey :D

Because you have found this site, I'm guessing most of you are at least involved in some type of online IF community, if not, I highly suggest you get involved, not only for the support but for the infertility awareness. There are lots of great sites out there with tons of great advice, and people who will listen to your IF journey and not judge, and not make comments we are all tired of hearing!! (bitter? me? no way!!)

Have a great weekend everyone!! And a great IComLeavWe week!
:D

Thankful Thursday #2

2010-01-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it's already become apparent to me that I am going to be really bad about this whole post every Thursday thing, but I am trying. Today has been a little crazy, but I know I've got to keep this going!

So, without further adieu, my thankful Thursday for this week is dedicated to....

My mom :D

I have always been very close with my mom, and now that I am an adult, I am so happy that she is also one of my best friends. When I was 4, my parents divorced, and my mom took on the tedious role of raising me while working full time. She did a fabulous job, if I do say so myself :D
We of course had our rough spots... I think we'd both like to erase 7-9th grade from our memories... but overall we have remained very close, and I know that she is someone I can turn to for help in any situation.
The last couple of years have really shown what a great mom and friend she is. Infertility is such a touchy subject, and I know that families struggle with how to talk to their daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, ect. who are going through it. My mom has done an amazing job. She has never tried to give advice on the subject. She's stated several times that she has no idea about it, and therefore shouldn't be telling me what I should do. She 100% supports us using donor sperm, and has 100% listened to me ramble on and on and on and onnnnnn about babies, ttc and fertility over the last two years. She is one of only 3 people, outside of the IF community, that I know I can call with my infertility gripes, and she'll listen without judging.
I know that my children will be very loved by their Grammie, and that they will creat many great memories together.

<3 Love you Mommo

Resolved

2010-01-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the fabulous opportunity to attend the RESOLVE peer-led support group in my area. I am already in love with it, lol. It is so nice to be around people who understand, really, REALLY (unfortunately) understand.

I have, unfortunately, gotten to the point where it is really hard for me to talk to people who aren't going through infertility about what is going on with us because I get too frustrated! I try not to, and I know that people's advice is (for the most part) meant with good intentions, but every time I hear "you're still so young, you've got time" or "just relax" I want to scream!! I obviously know Pat and I are young to be going through this... I know we still have "plenty of time"... I know it, and don't need to hear it from other people lol. Sorry, just had to vent a bit :D

Buuutttt I digress. The group was really good. I think there was 5 of us, and we just sat around and talked and laughed. There was no crying, which is nice lol, especially since I've become such a crier lately. I know there were a lot of regulars who weren't there last night, and some new people that couldn't be there, but it was really nice. I guess it's always nice to be around like-minded people.

Let me also make a point of saying that this experience really put me in my place. I know my situation sucks, but wow... why do such good people have to go through such shitty things. More specifically, why can't treatment be affordable? It doesn't have to be cheap... just reasonable. I've talked about this a bit before, and one of our discussion topics last night was about giving back to the infertility community once we have reached our goals. Just being at that meeting made me want to be involved in something like this so much more. It's so unfair to see women who would be magnificent parents waiting years and years just to save up money for one round of IVF! I don't know how I'd go about setting something up, and we discussed how we could all do something as a group, but I just think it is such a great idea. Some way to give back to a couple, or a woman who desperately wants, but is unable to afford treatment. It really made me count my blessings, and realize that even though we can't afford treatment now, that someday we will get our good insurance back, and will be able to afford it then.

Nothing new is really going on at this point. Work started back up yesterday. I'm just substitute teaching, and so far have picked up two jobs for this week. We'll see how steady the work is, I'm hoping I can at least work 3 days a week.

I'm going to post up some links on here, just in case you happen to be looking for a peer-led RESOLVE support group, or are looking for a possible fertility treatment "scholarship"

RESOLVE - Main Site
You can find local info by clicking on the side link by that name

The Tinina Q. Cade Foundation, Inc. - They have a few different grant options, some go up to $10,000, applications will be up in the Summer it looks like.

Parenthood for Me - This site is currently accepting applications for Summer grants.

Hope those help!!

Thankful Thursday #1

2010-01-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that a lot of times this blog is just one big ol' pity party, so I've decided to create a new weekly blog called THANKFUL THURSDAY ( I know you can see it in the title... but repetition is good right?). Some Thursdays might be more serious, some not so much. Some might be short and simple, while others might require some explanation. I'm hoping I will stick with this... and hoping that it will pull me out of my frequent pity parties, and help me realize just how much I really have. And with that... let the first Thankful Thursday begin with my thankfulness for...

My Husband
Yea, I know, not the most creative first Thankful Thursday post, but pretty much the most important.
My husband is someone that I am incredibly privileged to know. He's my knight in shining armor, and all that cheesy stuff. He might piss me off more than anyone else I know (well... maybe more than anyone, although at this moment, maybe not), but he also makes me laugh more than anyone. We've been together for 9 years, and every day I learn something new about him... I never get tired of learning. The last two years have been hell, and yet, with him by side, I know we'll get through whatever is thrown at us. He likes to remind me that without him, I could have avoided the last two years of pain. He has said that he thinks I should leave, that he thinks he is forcing me to miss out on a normal pregnancy and child raising experience. He doesn't realize that I wouldn't have it any other way... okay... that's kind of a lie. I would take fertility... with him. If it's not with him, than I don't want it.
Once we were talking about what life would be like without each other and he said he could never imagine getting to know someone again as well as he knows me, and I completely agree. I can't imagine it, and I don't want to. He is all I want and all I need. He is the father of my future children, and I realize that it might not be the "normal" way of having babies... but who wants normal right?
I am so thankful that every day I am lucky enough to have him in my life.

New Years Resolutions and Delurking!

2010-01-05T11:18:00.001-08:00

Hi Lovelies!

First, I am going to make a quick mention to the fact that this is National Delurking Week. I myself am really bad about reading blogs and never commenting them or choosing to follow them, but still reading them all the time. So, if you are out there, and you sometimes read this blog, leave a comment, even if it's just to say hi :D Happy Delurking!!

So, I decided I would write down some resolutions on here... not that that means I'll keep them, but I think that since I am my blog's biggest fan, I'll at least see them often enough to maybe want to try for them.

1. To lose 25 pounds - I figured I'd start with the one that I am least likely to follow through on. I always want to lose weight, although I guess I've been told by more than one person that if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Well, I'm starting off right. I got a Wii Fit Plus from my mom for Christmas, and have really been making an effort to do it each day. I have also been adding a 2 mile walk with the dogs in each day, and changing my eating habit, so we'll see how it goes. I'm hopeful!!

2. Read 25 books - Really I should be able to do more than this, especially since I've already gotten through 2 this year. But it seemed like a good place to start.

3. Take my GRE's and apply for a Masters Program - This is just something I know I need to do. Right now I'm not working full time, so there is no better time to get ready for some awesome standardized testing, right? I can't decide what I want to get my Masters in, so... that'll probably be the bigger decision. I'm thinking as a reading specialist, or something to do with English learners.

4. Get (and stay) pregnant (for 9 months... then bring home a baby) - Sorry, just had to sneak that one in there...

5. Get myself back to church- I am going to start attending a "healing" group this week, and am really hoping it gets me back into a comfy relationship with God.

6. Be an infertility awareness advocate- Not just for me, but for people in general. I am actually not totally sure how to do this, lol, but I've got some ideas. I am going to start going to a support group that RESOLVE offers, and I am going to try and be more diligent about writing on this blog and on my Fertility Authority blog, and I am also planning on volunteering some time for RESOLVE. Those should get me started.

Lucky Number 7: Start my book... yea, I know, crazy... but hey, what is life if not crazy? More to come on this later... this post is getting wayyyy to long.

Wow... can I just say that I love the movie Baby Mama... even though it deals with pregnancy and babies... it also deals a hell of a lot with infertility...
One of my favorite lines "these hormone injections make me wanna punch you in the face right now"... oh Tina Fey!

So, that's the deal. That's my deal. Yay 2010!! Let's do this!!!

Without The Breakdown... Hopefully.

2009-12-31T20:30:00.001-08:00

Dear 2009,
You have made my life a living Hell. Never have I had a worse year. Never have I cried so much, and been so unsure about everything happening to me. You suck 2009, you really, really suck.

Get Out!!

**********

Dear 2010,
I'm really counting on you. Please don't let me down. Please help me to find my place. Help me to not feel alone, and to not feel bitter. Help Husband get back to his job, and therefore back to some semblance of happiness. I don't want much, just the normal things that most people have in life.

Hoping For the Best,
Tori

Post Christmas Post

2009-12-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

Ug, I've totally been avoiding writing. I just have nothing interesting to say.

No word on fertility treatments because there is still no word on Husband going back to his old job. I keep going through these crazy mood swings... I'll be super happy for a week or so, and then really depressed and crying for a couple of weeks. I think I've "gotten over" the miscarriage. I obviously won't even forget it, but I am not so sad about that specifically. I'm just sad about infertility. I'm just sad that it's going to be so hard to have babies. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I'm just repeating the other blogs I've written...

Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? At the beginning they are having a surprise party and Adam Sandler's character walks in and they all yell "SURPRISE", and then they realize it's not the right person and someone tells him "we wasted the good surprise on you"... that's how I feel. I don't feel that way specifically toward the baby I lost, but just the fact that we wasted the happiness and the surprising our families and everything on something that didn't work out. I know it won't be the same next time I tell Pat. He won't feel the same. I won't feel the same. It won't be the same when we tell our families. I was foolish to let myself get so excited, and I wish I could take that back.

I've got this week and next week off work. I don't know if that is good for me or bad. On one hand I can relax and do stuff around the house. On the other hand... I'll probably just relax and actually do nothing around the house.

I made it through Christmas, and only cried when Pat and I opened cards to each other, which is much better than I thought I would do. We got some good presents, and had a good time with family. I felt really sad a couple of times, but managed to push it back, and not let the emotions get to me. We are going to keep New Years really low key, last year on New Years was my first big break down about ttc. It had been like 9 months of trying, and we knew there was going to be a pregnancy announcement from some friends... and I was fed up. I still am. I decided that going out was probably a bad idea.

More than likely we'll be sitting around, playing the Wii we got :D
It's sooo much fun, and has been great bonding time for Pat and I. We've totally ended up laughing and flirting and just having fun for hours playing the games we have.

I have a lot of personal goals and/or resolutions that I am trying to get in order, and will hopefully get around to posting. In general they involve eating less, working out more, being less bitter about life, and getting my home more organized...we'll see how those go, lol.

Happy New Years to all!

What a Week!!

2009-12-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh! This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I honestly thought I was taking the miscarriage, and infertility in general pretty well, until it snuck right up on me and kicked me in the uterus. I have never spent so much time thinking that I hated my life, and wishing I could just erase the last couple of years. I can not stand being sad and depressed, and usually do a good job of pulling myself out of it, but wow...
I'm totally going to blame some of it on pms, since AF showed herself on Saturday. I had forgotten how unruly my body was when not on fertility meds, and I had been spotting for over a week when she made her official appearance. So, I am blaming some of my outrageous hormones on that.
I've come up with a plan though, to hopefully pull myself out of this funk. Well, when I say I've come up with a plan, what I mean is that my good friends have noticed my serious crappy state of mind and want me to seek some counseling, andddd that is what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just trying to figure out if I want to go through our medical insurance (I emailed my doc yesterday) or if I want to pursue counseling through the church I attend. Both have the pros, but I don't really feel like either have their cons. I am really trying to avoid medication, and am hoping I can deal with it all naturally. I feel really drawn to going through the church, even though they are not licensed counselors... I may just do both, lol.
My Hubs has been such a trooper through all of this. He's held me while I've cried, and made me laugh with ridiculous jokes. I am soooo thankful that I have a supportive husband who understands that I am a crazy, grieving, infertile woman who sometimes just freaks out for no reason at all. We celebrated 9 years together the other day, and vowed that we'd do all we could to make the rest of our years together infinitely better than the last couple have been. I know he'll make such an amazing father some day.

Oh! Shout out to a fabulous friend who got her bfp last week!!! YAY!!! Our flawed logic was totally correct! You deserve it lady!

I'm Still Alive

2009-11-30T21:12:00.001-08:00

I just have nothing to say.

Thanksgiving came and went, nothing was too exciting.

I am down to writing one more reflection, and just polishing up my portfolio for school.

I am going to start substitute teaching until I can find a full time job teaching.

I might start my Masters in the Spring

The end of February will be two years since I went off birth control.

I just have nothing to say.

It Was Nice While It Lasted...

2009-11-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

It really was...

For almost a week I got to be in the blissful land of happiness that is known as pregnancy. Unfortunately, I overstayed my welcome, and have now been kicked back to that sad sad country known as infertility. Even further, I am being kicked down to the southern part of that country referred to as uninsured.

We've been dreading December 1st. December 1st is when we lose the amazing, fabulous, ridiculously good insurance that has afforded us the luxury of pursuing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, we have now reached a somewhat early end to the luxury, as with this miscarriage the hcg will not be out of my system in time to squeeze in one more try. Major suck. We won't pursue treatments that we aren't covered for, mostly because they'd cost about double what we make in a month... so obviously we just couldn't do it. And, I've already maxed out my credit card paying for the donor sperm that has come with each cycle we have done.

Right now we are just dealing. Just trying to make it through each day without having complete breakdowns. One Wednesday I went in for a fourth hcg, and my numbers went down to 324 (bringing the total to 371, 313, 360, 324) so we knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy in any way. On Thursday I went in for an early (5 week) ultrasound, to see if the doctor could see any dilation of my fallopian tubes, since they were sort of suspecting ectopic. They couldn't find anything, and wanted me to go in for another hcg Friday, and another ultrasound on Monday. I went in Friday, and the numbers came back at 286... Game. Over.
I guess I already knew that... but it's just hard to hear. I guess I should have been happy to know that everything was starting to "resolve itself", but how the hell do you be happy about losing a baby? HOW? You just can't.

I can say honestly that I am distraught by this. It's horrible, and it comes in terrible sneak attacks. I went through this whole day being fine, until around 8 when I started to just descend into crappiness. It's horrible because on of my best friends is pregnant, and has a fabulous 18 month old, and I have NEVER felt jealous or angry while hanging out with them, until now... (sorry friend if you are reading this... I love you). Suddenly it effing sucks about 1000 times more than it did before to be around pregnant people. I think I have a hard time being around this particular (amazing) friend because from the moment I got my bfp I was THRILLED that we would get to be pregnant together. I thought about it so much, and now knowing that won't happen is a killer!

The Husband is not doing well with it. He wants a reason, not that I don't, but I think the whole needing a reason is more of a guy thing. He wants to know how we can avoid this next time. I keep telling him that it just happens sometimes, but he says that isn't a good enough answer. I understand... it's really not a good answer. It's a crappy answer.

I just want to know that all of this shit is happening for a reason. I want to know that some day I will have a healthy baby. At this point I'd be happy with one... I don't need two or three, I won't secretly wish for twins... I just want one. One.

I wish that none of our cycles had been successful. It would have been loads better than this. I knew this was a possibility, I knew it was. I mentally prepared myself for it, even before we started the cycle... but that just didn't make it easier. Quite honestly there has been one part of this whole ordeal that kills me more than anything else. The part that is so shockingly unfair that it actually makes it hard for me to breathe when I think about it. Being able to see my husband happy for four day. My husband who has been depressed for about 3 years now, because his sister is dying, because he can't get work in his trade, because he can't have children... was actually happy. Blissfully, delightfully happy. I haven't seen him smile and laugh like he did last week in so long. I haven't gotten to experience his joy for soooo long, and having back was amazing...and having it taken away has been torture.

Right now we are just keeping our heads above water. We know this won't destroy us, we know we'll make it through, but that in itself is the crappy part. We are in our 20's... we shouldn't be concerned with things hopefully not destroying us. That shouldn't be happening. We should be planning and having a family, not quitting the pursuit of a semi-biological family because we can't afford the thousands of dollars a month that it'll take to make that happen.

Is this my life? Is this our life? I'm pretty sure this isn't what either of us signed up for.

So, as you can tell, right now we are putting ttc on hold, at least for right now. We don't know when we'll be able to try again... it could be 2 months, it could be a year. It all depends on when the Husband can get back into his construction job, and back to the fancy union insurance, which hopefully won't have changed their infertility coverage by the time we get it back. I am planning to keep this blog up and running during our ttc hiatus, although it will be with super boring stuff, especially since school is over for me right now (wooo hooo teaching credential).

I know this crappy situation will someday be worth it. I believe that. I have to believe that. Someday my husband and I will be parents (and damn good ones at that!).

The Only Thing To Be Said Is...

2009-11-09T22:44:00.001-08:00

Holy Crap!! This has been the most emotional 6 days of my life!!!

Let me take you back to Wednesday. I slept like crap on Tuesday night, so I woke up in the morning and tested...which I am normally so against...

lo' and behold

Cue the overwhelming happiness! I was shocked and excited. I silently screamed for about 5 minutes, then I told the Husband. He too was very excited.

Next step, my 14dpo beta, on Thursday

371

Cue the total freak out!! AHHHHH! Lovely high number!

This is where it gets crazy. I went in on Saturday for my 16dpo beta. They of course were backed up at the lab so I didn't get the results until last night.

310

:( That was the worst thing I had ever heard... why would that happen??
That is just adding insult to injury. A miscarriage to infertility. Why? And why did we tell our parents before the second beta. I wanted to kick myself.

Today I went in for another beta. I spent most of the day between feeling numb and crying. Husband was destroyed. We were so confused.

Today's beta... 360

WTF!?!?!?!?!

Now we are still just confused.... 371, 310, 360...

I don't know what's going on. I know there are a couple of options. I know we are not out of the woods. I will most likely have another beta on Wednesday.

I want to be happy about this. I want to know this will work out, but it's not starting out well. I am mentally preparing myself for a miscarriage, while still hoping and praying that things will work out and that in 8 months we will be parents.

I will update you (and by you I mean the literal one person who reads this... even though I talk to you every day anyway) when I know more.

LOL... ohhhh life... ohhhh infertility... ohhhh insanity.

Word of the day:

Infersanity: /n/ The insanity brought on by infertility. Tori was suffering from a severe case of infersanity

10dpo The Quick Update

2009-11-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

Well, another cycle is slowly (ohhhh so slowly) winding down, and I have no idea what my feeling are about it. I can't say that I have any symptoms that scream "pregnancy"... at least none that don't also scream "progesterone". I've definitely got the heartburn, the cramps, the aching errr... well, who cares... the aching boobs, and I'm so very tired.... but that really means nothing for someone who is all hopped up on the P ;)

I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but darn it hard! We've only got one more try (at least in the near future) before our insurance runs out, and I am thankful for that one try, but man, I hope we don't need it.

I am not going to test until Thursday, and normally I wouldn't even do that, but as usual I've managed to have some miraculous planning on this cycle. Thursday is also the day I go in for my beta (blood pregnancy test), and I'll get the results on Friday morning... why is that significant? Oh yea... Friday is my last day in my student teaching class. I love my class, and I know I'll probably already be a little bit of a wreck having to leave them. I thought about not calling until school was over for the day... but please!! That just seems like torture. So, if I can get my good cries out on Thursday, then I'll be good on Friday when I call, or at least if I cry they'll just think it's because I'm sad to leave them.

On the school note, I've only got about... hmmm... two weeks left of work, and then I am done with the teaching credential program! I've got one more standardized test to take, but other than that I am done!! I've met my goal...teaching credential by 23! I've got two teaching/professional goals that follow. One I'll probably meet, the other one maybe not. One is to start my Masters, and be done within two years of starting it. The other was/is to have my own classroom by 24, but I am kinda hoping this doesn't happen. Why? Because at this point if I get pregnant, I'll probably be having the little soy bean too close to the beginning of the school year for me to start... which is fine by me :D

So, that's what I've got going. Staying hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.

Oh, I thought I'd leave with a little bit of humor... this is my life... those who I talk to regularly... or really those ttc or struggling with infertility will all totally get this. btw... Hopefully everyone gets that this does not mean blog comments lol... just general every day comments.

Gimme the Good Stuff!!

2009-10-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

I came home from my CD2 doc's appt on Tuesday with a vast assortment of syringes and needles. What a weird thing to have just laying around the house....

This cycle is when things start to get really real. We need this to work, and fast. For one, we lose our good (amazing, fabulous, best thing going for us right now) insurance on Dec 1, when Husband becomes eligible for the crappy insurance at his new job. This week I am going to try and see if there is any way we can keep the good insurance, rather than accepting the bad... but I don't think so. We have this cycle, and the next... and then we are SOL, at least until Husband can get back to his old job. The second reason it's getting real is because I expressed my concern about the first issue to the NP that "cycles me" and she has decided that we need to step up the drugs, skip over step two (which would have been Femara), and go straight to the good stuff... injections.

I started on Wed (which was CD3), and went back in yesterday for some monitoring. Right now I've got some follies happening, so that's fabulous. I had one that was 12mm (pretty good), one that was 10 (good) and a BUNCH of smaller one. I don't know if any of those will actually do anything, but maybe. Right now I am hoping that I release 2 or 3, but I'd be happy with one.... I'd be happy with anything I can get.

We just need this....

It is mildly terrifying. I am scared of getting over stimulated, and I am scared of getting pregnant with multiples. I've had three medical professionals tell me, in the last 5 days, that I am at a very "high risk" for multiples. I think it would be a little less scary if they didn't use the phrase "high risk". I don't know... I just want a baby... can I just have that??

In other, totally ridiculous news, that I told Kate I'd definitely be venting about. I found out that someone I know is pregnant again. Oh? Pregnant again you say? Not such a big deal...people do have more than one child. Oh yea? Their other child is barely out of the womb!! Oh, and they are unemployed, high school drop outs... yea.. no big deal. The best was the way I was told... it was phrased to me as "I have some great news, wanna hear" from another relative. WHEN I ASK, WHEN, WOULD THIS EVER BE GREAT NEWS TO ME!?!?! You want to know when... never. NEVER! I know that I shouldn't be mad about other people getting pregnant, and I'm not really even jealous, I'm just baffled. Baffled at life's little unfairities (yea... I made that word up).

Let's seeee.... no, nothing else is really going on with me. I have another appointment on Monday to see how my follies are doing, and I will have my IUI at some point next week. I'm just a ball of emotions, as usual. I wish I could be hopeful, but sometimes it just feels like I go through the motions each month with no real hope of actual getting pregnant. I'm ready for it, Husband is ready for it... come on baby! Be ready to come to us!!

Oh... this is cycle number 20 since I went off birth control... that's a special little thought for me to keep in my mind... lucky number 20...maybe...hopefully?

Third Times a Charm? Hopefully....

2009-10-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

So, I've been not so great at keeping this thing updated, but I've got a couple of excuses...lol.

School has been insane!! Luckily, I will be done with my student teaching in about a month and a half, and then after one more standardized test, and some paperwork, I will be a fully qualified, fully unemployed, fully teachery teacher!! I'm super excited, although I'd be a bit more thrilled if I had a job lined up. Right now I'm planning on subbing, which is a great job that involves no responsibility or planning after each day is over! That's my kind of job!!

Aside from that I've pretty much just been so down about fertility that I haven't wanted to depress everyone else with my crappy thoughts, lol. I've been doing with the "if you don't have anything nice to say" approach, but I figured today I could break the silence a bit.

This morning we found out that cycle 2 was a bust.

It sucks, bit time. "Sucks" doesn't even cover it, but since I don't want to burn anyone's eyes with what I want to say, so I'll leave it at that.

The big decision now is whether we want to step up the fertility drugs this month. I've got mixed feelings about it, since there is a chance of getting overstimmed, andddddd since we lose our insurance in two months, a cancelled cycle is the last thing we need. No matter what we decide I am done with clomid, it thins out my uterine lining too much, and is probably the reason that the last two cycles have failed.

So... that's where we stand. We feel like we're stuck behind some window watching as all our friends effortlessly get pregnant.

We are trying to stay hopeful, but we know there is a chance that we may be waiting a long, long time for this.

Another Cycle, Another Dollar

2009-09-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Cycle number 2 has officially started! Well, it started a couple of days ago I guess, but this is when I'm writing about it.

I'm feeling good about this cycle so far. I'm trying to keep my thought positive.

Last night I started my clomid, which is the same dose as last cycle, whoo hoo! The NP at my office had talked about cutting it because I had had 3 follies with a fourth that wanted to make it, but the good doctor doesn't think cutting the dose is a good idea. Bring on the follies and the hot flashes!!

At this point I am guessing that my IUI will be next Friday, just because that's how my cycle days landed last month. We are using the same donor, which I feel good about, because he really was our top choice, and I think he's a really good candidate.

Downside of this cycle... I am going to be away at camp with my fifth graders the week I supposed to test!! I'm thinking that each month there will be something even crazier that I'll have to do each cycle while I'm waiting to find out. First, a trip to visit family, now a trip to camp... Any suggestions for next month? Maybe a trip overseas?

Husband and I dealt better than either of us suspected with the last cycle not working out. I figured we'd be a wreck for the weekend, but really, we just weren't. By Sunday I was pissed about the money we had spent, but that's about it. We are both just stoked to actually have a chance at this, so it didn't totally destroy us that it didn't happen the first time.

I really don't have much else going on, fertility related that is. I am thinking about volunteering for RESOLVE, which is the National Infertility Association, as a peer group leader, but I'd probably not be able to do it until I was done with student teaching in November.

Soooo, I guess we'll see what pans out. Right now I'm just taking things one day at a time, and trying not to think to far ahead about what could or should happen in the cycle. I'm hoping, wishing and praying that this will be the cycle that we get our bfp, but I'm not counting on it, or getting my hopes up.

Bye Lovelies!

Nothing Like...

2009-09-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

A fresh batch of failure to start off a weekend.

I got my beta results back... not pregnant.... cue the two day pity party.

IUI #2 here we come.

I am happy that I get to stop my progesterone... the non stop headache has not been pleasant.

Hopefully AF will show so we can get the next round started.

Umm Duh.

2009-09-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

I pretty much forgot to mention the highlight of the past week.

Last week while I was in New Jersey I got to make a little side trip to see my good friend Kate!!!

Kate is one of the IF girls that has kept me sane for the last year and a half. She's one of my every day talk to-ers. I'd probably have gone totally crazy, and spent $1000 on wasted pregnancy tests without her there to keep me positive, and keep me from testing at 2dpo :D

Oh, on the same subject. The planning for this trip totally made me feel like a fifteen year old. Do you remember how that was? I felt like I was right on the edge of having my independence, but my mom still wanted to "keep an eye on me". For one, I was forbidden to drive the car. Hi... I'm 23, married, and maybe pregnant... I just completed around of semi-intense fertility treatments. Anyway, once I got there it was also a bit like this, as my mom and Kate met, we ate lunch, and then I was given like 3 hours to hang out with my friend. It was quite the experience in humiliation.

On the upside, Kate and I had a great time trucking around on water taxis, looking at old homes we wish we could purchase, and sweating our butts off until we stopped and ate some delicious gelato. Oh, well, the gelato came 2 hours after a fabulous seafood lunch, and an hour before the fudge... it was a bit of a food adventure which is fine. by. me.

Thanks Kate for showing me around, and just being awesome in general!

Updatey Update

2009-09-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today I am 12dpo, yippee!!

I was out of state for the last week, so I didn't post, even though I thought about it quite a lot, and actually wrote a really long entry that I'll post here in a couple of days.

So, everything is going fine I guess, lol.

I would say that I've had pregnancy symptoms, but any symptom I think I may have had, or may be having is easily explained away by the crazy dose of progesterone I've been on since 48 hours after the IUI.

On the subject of the progesterone... it sucks. That's pretty much all I can say about it, haha. It's the worst part of the cycle by far (unless I get a negative blood test, then that'll be the worst). Why is it so bad you ask? Oh, because I am putting these oral pills...well, not in my mouth, I'll tell you that much. Twice a day I put one of these lovely yellow pills as close to the possible fetus as it can get... if you get my drift. My body actually seems to be absorbing quite a bit of this lovely little, side effect riddled, hormone. The rest it just spits back out...awesome.

So, these two days, Wednesday and Thursday, are the tough ones. The ones where I am going crazy about finding out if our $800 investment paid off, or if I'll be looking forward to the whole crazy experience again.

I don't really have too much else to say, except that of the many crazy things I've started doing to up my chances this cycle, I'd have to say that holding my laptop down by my knees as to not overheat the possible baby is the craziest, and the one that's hurting my arms the most.

Bye Lovelies.

IUI #1 (and hopefully only)

2009-08-28T18:47:00.000-07:00

So, here is something I never thought I'd say, let alone every be excited to say...

Today I was inseminated with donor sperm... and I am ecstatic! Actually it has been a rush of many different emotions, but mostly I've been happy.

Here we go... the details of

We got to the appointment promptly at 8:30, with our huge tank of potential baby in hand. They called us in pretty quickly which was nice, since I was starting to get anxious. The process was pretty interesting. We went with Nurse BB into what Pat later told me was the...eh hem... "specimen collection" room, lol... I was wondering why there was a chair and a tv in there... but anyway, we went in, and Nurse BB went over our personal info, and looked at our IDs. Then she took the tank out of the box, and opened it... this is where I started to feel like my life was a science fiction movie. Smoke poured out of the tank, it was very dramatic, haha. Then Nurse BB pulled stick out of the hugemongous tank that had one little tinnnnny, half a cc vial of future human. I would say that this is when it "got real", but pretty much every minutes since it's been getting more and more real. Anyway, we went through all the information checking with the vial and then she told us to go hang out in the coffee shop and "just relax" for the next 20 or so minutes... ya... I'll try that.

While we were there we had some fun with our camera, lol.

(Hubby wants me to say he doesn't think this picture is good of him, and he's not happy about it being here)

and my fave...

After our little adventure in coffee land we headed back upstairs to the RE's office. This is when I really started getting nervous, and when they called us back to the room, I starting sweating...lol. The funniest part of the IUI was definitely the doctor asking is Hubby wanted to push the syringe of semen into the catheter... he politely passed on that opportunity. The IUI was easy peasy, I barely felt the catheter, and the whole thing took all of 4 minutes. So, as of 9:51am this morning, I have been inseminated.

The rest of the day has been... slow. I am already hating the tww and I am not even a day into it!! Ahhh! But I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's hard. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but those nagging little negative ones keep sneaking in. I've definitely been having ovulation pains today, which makes me super happy, and I'm hoping hoping hoping that those little spermies are finding at least one of those eggs!!

Right now I'm just impatiently waiting... and trying not to stare at the evidence of the insemination that I was able to keep...

oh... p.s. that little vial held well over 25 million lovely sperm, with good motility :D

Wish me luck!

Bye Lovelies!

IUI TOMORROW!!

2009-08-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'd totally be lying if I said I wasn't at all excited, but honestly, I've been doing pretty good so far about not getting my hopes up.
I feel like I have good chances... what with a possible 4 eggs being released, and our donor having super good sperm (hahaha, such weird things become normal to say when dealing with infertility). Anyway, I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, and I appreciate all of my friends who have been telling me that even if I'm being pessimistic, they'll be optimistic for me (I love you guys)

So, last night... the shot, super easy! I did record the entire thing on my webcam, but it didn't really pick up my audio, so I am going to narrate over it. In the meantime, here are some pictures!!!! Aren't you lucky!

I've decided to add something new to the blog this week.
sooo, welcome INFERTILITY JEOPARDY!!

This might eventually become a game, but right now it's just starting out with me.

So, Infertility Jeopardy Round 1
Let's choose Pictures, for about $750...

hmmmm... okay, I'm ready to answer.

What is.... something I never thought I'd have in my house...

Bye Lovelies <3

What Can I Say... I'm An Overachiever

2009-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

So, I went in for my CD10 u/s this morning... wishing, hoping, and PRAYING that I had at least one follie (for my non IFey friends, that's where the egg will eventually come out of), and low and behold... I'm just a darn overahiever!

4 FOLLIES!!! Holy crapola! In reality I only, probably, have 3 that will release eggs, which is good, since technically if there are more than three they are supposed to cancel the cycle. But there they were, two 17mm follies on one side, one 17mm and one 15mm on the other side. I'm stoked, but nervous... I don't want quads, lol, or even triplets (don't get me wrong I'd take them!).

So, what does this mean? Well, first it means I will take my HCG trigger shot tonight!! Whoodeee whoooo! I'm not nervous at now... why you ask? Oh, because today after my short "injection class" at the hospital I had to give myself a practice shot. It was super easy and not painful at all!! The Husband is still going to record me doing the step by step tonight, which he's weirded out by, but tooooo bad!
So, trigger shot tonight, and then FRIDAY at 8:30am I have my IUI!!! AHHHH HOLY CRAP!!! Is this really happening?? Finally?! Pinch me please! Owww. After that it's just the normal, craptastic, two week wait... fun.

Other than that I will say that I am mildly weired out that from where I am sitting I can see the tank that holds our potential future children. When we got the tank I just stared at it, Hubs said "did this just get real?". We are both excited, anxious, scared, and a million other emotions.

I can't wait for the next step of the adventure to begin, and although I know that it might not work this time, I have a good feeling about it, and Hubs and I are just happy that we finally have a chance!

I'll finish off with some pictures that the Husband was super uncomfy about taking, hhaha...

Bye Lovelies!!

oh!! hopefully I'll get that video up tomorrow!

CD9 Theee Fiiiiiinaaalll Countdowwwwnnnn

2009-08-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

So, today is CD9, and my emotions are taking over. Not sure if it's the clomid (I def blame the breast pain, hot flashes, and ovary pain on that) or what, but man! my emotions are on overdrive!!

Tomorrow I go in for my CD10 ultrasound, and hopefully all will go well. I am hoping to have 2 or 3 follies that are all ready to release good, healthy eggs. I know that I am not supposed to want more than one, but I just want high chances!!

If all goes well tomorrow I will either be giving myself my trigger shot tomorrow or on Thursday. I am totally nervous about it, but have vowed that I will do it by myself, and am making Pat record it so that I can post it here!!! Aren't you guys lucky?? You'll get to see me be a total nervous wreck, almost live!!

So, that's what's going on. I will try and post tomorrow, although the next couple days will be a bit crazy, for some reason I thought it was smart to schedule an observation at school on Thursday... how very wise of me.

Well, wish me luck, wish me follies, send me baby dust! The final countdown has begun!!

Bye Lovelies!

Day 3 of Clomid...

2009-08-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hello hot flashes!!

Wordless Wednesday #1

2009-08-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

The Best Laid Plans of Infertiles

2009-08-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

So, yea... it's been a while, I know.

What's been going on? So very much.

First, we'll get this outta the way because no one cares about this part, lol. School started. Woo Hoo. Back with a new class of awesome 5th graders. I never, ever thought I'd love 5th grade, but now I find myself hoping that that's where I'll get placed once student teaching is done. The first week of school is crazy, but it was fun. I am already ready to be done in November :D

Okay, on the fertility side of things.

1) I thought I got our insurance cancelled. I freaked! If you are one of the people I talk to outside of this blog, you know that "freaked" is probably an understatment. I didn't notice it until Friday evening, and had to spend the whole weekend having mini panic attacks. I called Monday, they said my mistake was "no big deal". I wanted to say WELL THEN WHY, ON MY STATEMENT, DOES IT SAY IT IS A BIG DEAL... WHY ARE THE WORDS PERMANENT CANCELLATION USED!! DON'T YOU KNOW I'M INFERTILE!?!? AF IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE, I NEED THIS INSURANCE!" Anyway, I didn't. I just said okay.

2) Yesterday was CD1!!! YAY!!! This is going to be the first month Hubby and I actually have a shot at this whole pregnancy thing!! Sidenote: I was so horribly ill yesterday, I guess it was food poisoning that just didn't set in for a while, Hubby and our friends had it also, and we are all better now, so I guess that's what it was. So, I still had to go in for my CD1 ultrasound and stuff even though I was dying of sickness, but the RE's office was great and I was in and out of there within 15 minutes.

3) The Plan: Here is what this cycle will look like
CD2 (today) - I have to go in for some bloodwork and pick up my prescriptions
CD3-7 - 50mg of Clomid each night
CD10 - another ultrasound
CD11 - HCG trigger shot
CD12 - (August 28th!!) IUI!!!
CD13-AF showing/1st Trimester - 200mg prometrium (progesterone) vaginally a day

I need to call the Cryobank and get the donor sperm here by the 25th so that I can take it into the office with me on the 26th (my CD10 appt).
So, that's it... that's what this cycle looks like for me. It's funny how my non IF friends keep saying how "crazy" this regimen is, and all my IF friends keep saying how easy I have it, lol. Which I know I do, clomid and a trigger shot is nothing compared to what some of my lovely ladies have to go through each month.

Other than that the only thing coming up is a trip to New Jersey. The husband is none to happy since this trip takes place a couple days after the IUI, and he apparently thinks I should be on immediate bedrest after the procedure. I am hoping it makes the tww go by fast! The day I get back I'll be on CD10 I believe, so then I'll only have a few more days of waiting to see if we start the process again, or if I am finally preggers!! Also while I'm in New Jersey I think I'll have the chance to make a quick side trip and visit my good friend Kate :D I'm super excited about that, although it'll prob be a huge cry-fest lol.

Well, that's what's going on with me, lol. Sorry if my writing is more rambly than usual, I am still in sickness hangover.

Bye Lovelies :D

The TWW

2009-07-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

Oh the two week wait... I've not been missing that! Now I am right back into it.

I had my saline sonogram today (mild ouchies)! My tubes were clear, yay!!! the saline passed right through and it was cool to see the little bubbles cruisin' around in there. Also, while he was doing the exam I asked the RE if he was going to check my follies... he said that they normally didn't, and asked me when I normally ovulate (what cycle day). I told him it was normally around day 12 or 13, and that today was 11, so he said he'd check it out if he could get a clear view... and he did, of one side at least. I had one good 19.4mm follie!!! YAY!!! that's awesome. I'll probably still end up using Clomid, and then doing a HCG trigger to they know exactly when I'll O, which is fine with me. I'm just super excited that all looks well on my side. I was nervous that we'd be in that "lucky" 10% that both have fertility probs (that would be super lame! to say the least). Anyway... sorry if I'm not making sense, I just took a 7-9pm nap... very strange...

OH! I am going to have to make this blog private... I've been going back and forth on it, but my class at school is going to be having a blog. I'm already wondering what I'm going to do since when you sign in you have access to both... I'm not sure how I can make one hidden... we'll see... That won't be happening for a few more weeks though :D

Oh! but anyway (haha, wowzers at my line of thinking), we will be doing a cycle in AUGUST!!! HOLY CRAP!!! I'm so excited... now I'm just in the tww until my period starts and we get this all started! AHHHH!!!!

(yay!!)

Bye Lovlies

As Promised!!!

2009-07-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying wowzers...powerzers....

So, I promised (mostly myself) that I would update this after our RE appointment, but so much has happened since then, that it has taken me all weekend to get my thoughts together.

So, the appointment itself was fairly normal, except that it started super late, and we were there for almost 3 hours. Oh, and the fact that no one told me that I'd be getting a vag u/s... what a lovely surprise, right? I had that done, and lucky for me I am producing follicles like crazy... CD3 with about 20 of them growing around in there. Figures I'd be all follied up, and Husband is all spermied down...

We had our little "consult" with Dr.Good (that's not his name, although that's how the pharmacy lady said it, and so far we think he is.... so, we'll keep it like that right now) which basically went over our fertility history... it was short.

Then we went in and talked with the caseworker, who we'll call BB. BB looked over our insurance, and highly encouraged us to move quickly, since I had mentioned our current insurance would run out in 9 months (that is a whole other long story that I'll skip right now). Anywayyyy, what it comes down to is that we'll have to pay for the sperm (obviously), and the meds, which won't be too bad... I'll need Clomid, and HCG trigger, and then some progesterone ($10 each under our insurance), and $20 for the actual IUI... $550 for the whole sha-bang!!! SAY WHAT!?!?! So.... drum roll....

WE ARE GOING TO START CYCLING NEXT MONTH!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!

Yea, crazy, I know... such a drastic change of plans... but we think it's right (and we want to take advantage of our insurance)

Part 2 of the exciting stuff...

We found our donor!! How bout that??? Yea, fast, I know. We've actually been looking, but hadn't done a really serious narrowing down. On Friday night we searched and searched.

Here is a list of our criteria:
hazel, brown, or green eyes
brown hair
5'8" - 6'0"
160 - 190 pounds
CMV neg
previous pregnancies
athletic (this was Hubby's request, haha)
college grad (all of them have at least a four year degree, who knew?)
no serious illness/disease in fam history (we went back 3 generations)

I think that was it... I can't remember any others.

So, by Friday night we had narrowed it down to three... we gave them nicknames which aren't terribly important, but helped us remember them, rather than by their numbers.
Nicknames: Favleck, Dirty Job (DJ), and Mathlete

We slept on it.

We woke up thinking the same thing... Dirty. Job.

I know... a friend commented that she "wouldn't want that inside her"... I know, I know... but really... he's the best option... he fits in almost every way.

So, there ya go... DJ it is... next month it is... HOLY CRAP... I might be pregnant by the end of next month. I'm going to tryyy and not get my hopes up that it'll happen on the first time, I know that it will probably take a couple, but I'm praying it won't take more than three times. We'll see :D

We are super excited, scared, and every other emotion ever!! AHHHHH!!!

As for the rest of the weekend, yesterday we went to church, and hung out with our friends, and today we went to the Garlic Festival. It was two hours away, and not worth the drive... but we've been saying that we want to go to it forever, and we finally went. I'm glad we did. I had a really good day with the Hubby.

Here is a pic of me not eating garlic flavored ice cream...

I felt bad because right after us they ran out... and I didn't eat it because it made me want to barf... butttt what can you do... at least I tried it :D

So, alllll of that being said, this weekend was crazy, and good, and crazy.

Tomorrow I have a saline sonogram, which is hopefully really just the formality they are saying it is. I'm gonna pop a vicodin before I go, because I'm a wuss, lol.

Anddddd, I'll update when I know more!!!

Bye Lovelies!

I Am Promising Myself That I Will Update This Later....

2009-07-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting, I'm waiting, I'm worrying...

I'm not even at the RE's office yet, and I'm already feeling anxious.

We won't be doing any cycles until at least November, and I'm already panicked.

I know the Hubs is capable of handling the decision we are making about family building, and yet I'm terrified of what our lives will be in a year.

I can't stop myself from being overwhelmingly emotional about the road that lies ahead.

I am on CD3 today (what great timing!! A RE appt on CD3!! what are the chances?). What does being on CD3 even mean to me anymore? We aren't TTC, right? We won't be doing any DI cycles until the end of the year, but I can't stop counting my cycle days. I can't stop stressing every month about having an "regular" cycle.

Last night I went to dinner with a teacher friend I hadn't seen since early June, when we had still been on the road to adoption. I didn't bring up fertility stuff... I know I do it too much, I'm trying not to force my IF issues on people. Read my post about my self-diagnosed SAD (Social Acceptability Disorder... wow... SAD... what a horrible made-up-disease acronym). Anyway, she brought it up, asked if we had picked an agency and whatnot. I told her about the new "plan", or plan of a plan. The first thing she said, "wow...will your husband be able to handle that?", my response "it was his decision" (Sidenote: it was really OUR decision, but I have told him numerous times that I am fine with whatever family building option we choose, as long as it included a family). Her next concern, "do you think he's just worried you'll resent him if he doesn't let you be pregnant"... HOLY HONEST OPINIONS!! Did I mention I'm on CD3!?!?! I can't take heavy emotional topics like this!! My Hubs and I are totally open about our feelings, and I do not think that at this point he feels that way. I think he wants to be a dad... more than anything. I think he is incredibly selfless and strong for giving me, giving us, the chance to use DI. I will admit that it terrifies me that he'll pull away later on... but he can't, or doesn't want to, think about that being an option... Wow...this is not where this blog started out at... lol, but I do tend to ramble.

Anwhooo, I digress...

Back to our RE appointment.

I have so many questions!! So many! I promised myself that I'd write them down, and I didn't. Now I'm mentally going over them. Thinking about writing them down on the way to the appointment, which is in 40 minutes!!

I want to know everything... I want to know everything will be okay.

I want to know that my Hubby and I will leave the hospital with a healthy child within the next year and a half or two... is that to much to ask? I know it is...

I am hoping I doing cry when I am there... My emotions have been on edge all day (all week really). I cried when my car didn't pass it's smog test, I almost cried when the pool maintenance man got on my case at work today. I'm thinking that I'll make a fool of myself at the docs. My guess is that it'll be when we discuss money... ug, money!

Okay, as the title says, I will update this after the appointment, and the bloodwork... oh, gotta love bloodwork...

Bye Lovelies!

Nothing New...

2009-07-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I am trying to be a good blogger, and am updating even though I don't have anything that great to share.

Things going on for me...

1) Work - Teaching swim lessons is the easiest fall back job to have. I'm so glad I've been fortunate enough to have a steady summer job... we sure need the money!!

2) School - ONLY 3 WEEKS till school is back in, I can't believe it! Summer has gone by pretty fast, and while I'm not looking forward to the lack of paychecks once school is back in, I am looking forward to student teaching. I'm stoked about a new class of fifth graders, and I'm even more stoked that it'll be my last semester!! I'll have my credentials in Dec!! I probably won't have a job... but I'll be qualified...

3) Fertility - Not much going on here. We have an appointment with our RE this Friday to discuss the whole process of Donor Insemination (DI). We know the basic process, but we have questions, so I'm hoping that we can get some answers. I'm really hoping that they'll give us a list of Cyrobanks that they recommend, since we have no idea where to start looking. We did find a SpermCenter.com... Hubby asked if there was a "SpermMart" as well, and if they had better prices (oh jokey Husband).

At this point Husband is still out of a job, although he has been working really hard to remedy that, and has a good strong lead on one job (we are hoping and praying that it works out), we can't start any fertility treatments until he's working.

I've been trying to be super good about getting in shape, although my "weight loss ticker" hasn't moved much, lol.

What Husband and I really need is a weekend away!! We've been so stressed, and Hubby has been so down :( It's taking a lot of my emotional strength to not break down, and to stay strong with him, but it has been TOUGH!! I'm hoping things start getting better, and I'm trying to keep the faith, and put my trust in God, but wowzers, it just get's rougher and rougher! I guess it's always darkest before the dawn, right? That's what I'm hoping for at least...

Hope everyone has a great week!!

Social Acceptability Disorder

2009-07-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hopefully I'm making this disorder up, if I'm not, and you have it, sorry in advance.

So, As you know, I teach. In the summer when school is out, I teach swim lessons. Well, today as I walked through the gym I teach at back to the pool I teach in, I noticed that one of the regular little girls that attends summer camp was sans brother. I asked her where he was, and she answered "Oh, he's getting breakfast with Dad, then he has a checkup". Fair enough, I thought, and went about my business. Later on, Brother shows up. Brother (6 yrs old btw) walked over to me, and I asked how he was doing. I noticed one of his eyes was a bit puffy. I said "uh oh, allergy time huh? Did the doctor give you medicine." His straight-faced response, "oh that's not why I was at the doctors, I was there cuz of my weiner". My response "well, that's a bummer! I hope it gets better soon", we changed the subject. All I could think was wow, when do we gain the sense of social acceptability?

Suddenly I realized something. I think we (most of us, maybe not men) get a good grasp of social acceptability around 10. Then I realized something else... MY sense of that was GONE!

In the last year and a halfish or so, I have totally lost site of how to be tactful. I realized I have, with a straight face said things like "oh, yea, we had lots of sex at first", or "yup, I just prop my legs right under the pillow, oh yea! For at least 30 minutes". Then it got worse... it turned into "So, after they take a snip right out of his balls, they'll examine that" or "So, on the cycle day 3, I do the bloodwork, then after that it's some vaginal ultrasounds blah blah blah"

HOW FREAKING INAPPROPRIATE! And I don't just say this to my best friend. This is stuff I've explained to my parents, Hubby's parents, people who casually ask. My father doesn't live near me, and I tend to not keep him super informed on my life, but for some reason I felt it totally acceptable to explain the how Hubby and I had been diagnosed, this included details of the year of trying, and the testing.

So, why do IF's do this? Why is it totally acceptable to IM a fellow IFer and as them how their cycle is, or if they BDed last night? or how their "CM" is doing since it's about CD12...

WHY? Well, I'll give you my rationale. It has two parts. Part one is why we talk to other IFs... we want to know others are going through it. We want to know that we aren't the only ones stressing about our current cycle, about how our Hubby's are dealing ect ect. Everyone already knows this part.

Part two, at least for me, is the fact that when something happens, I just want to be informed. There hasn't been a problem in my life (or my family's life) in the last 5 years that I haven't googled within 10 minutes of hearing what the problem is. I assume others feel the same way. This assumption (ohhh to assume... I don't need to share the antidote, I think we all know it), I'm realizing, is wrong. I don't think people actually want to know, in detail, what goes on with mine and my hubby's sex life. I think some people, my besties and fellow IFs sometimes want to know, but the woman I haven't seen in 6 months who asks "how the baby making is coming... she probably doesn't (and doesn't need to).

I'm going to make an effort to keep a better handle on what I say from now on. To keep it more on the "we are actually getting ready to start fertility treatments" level, rather than the "so then they put a catheter into my uterus" level. We'll see how this turns out...but to help myself remember, I'm just going to keep the awkwardness of a six year old explaining his "weiner" problems in mind.

Bye Lovelies!!

Home for the Holidays

2009-07-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

Let me just be real clear about my overall message of this post...

Holidays SUCK for all IFs! Ya, I said it... and I mean it... lol

I don't care if it's Christmas, or 4th of July (a Happy one to you, Reader), or freakin' Arbor Day... it sucks. Being around any group of people on these holidays sucks even more. I'm about to go to a BBQ full of people who know we've been trying for a year and a half or so now. I'm very self conscious about this. Now, I know I'm not the center of all these people's thoughts, but people know that extreme want for a baby that Hubby and I have had, and I know some of these people are going to be thinking "well, it's been an awful long time since they first started"... I am sooo hoping we don't get asked how it's going, because it seems that, on this topic especially, well... I just say the most tactless things. My general answer is to laugh and say "ohhhh ya know, turns out we cant actually have our own kids" and hope that they caught the gigantic "STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS" undertone.

I know that thinking is flawed, flawed because we put our business out there. We enthusiastically proclaimed to the masses that we wanted a baby, STAT, at the beginning of last year. Our closest peeps even knew that we started trying before our marriage. We didn't care, we wanted a freakin head start!

Something else that I am hoping to avoid at this BBQ. The fact that Hubby and I have also arrived at a whole new and strange point in our IF journey with the people who do know our situation. It's an awkward place... A place where friends don't want to tell us they are pregnant. They don't know how to approach the subject, and that makes me feel so sad. I've found out twice about people being pg randomly through others, who just assumed that out of anyone, Hubby and I would already know. We didn't...we don't... people think we'll freak out, that we'll be mad, or won't be happy for them.

Every IFer knows that pain in their heart when they hear someone else is pg... but it's not because we are mad at them, we are just sad for us. We are the queens (and kings) of the 10 minute pity party, the "I need a good cry" before we call this person to congratulate them. I'm realizing that while I hate being kept out of the loop, I also think it's okay for me to have this reaction, as long as I keep a happiness for them (and hope for myself) in my heart. It's okay to cry, and even "freak out" a bit...although probably not in front of that person. Hurt is okay, anger is okay, as long as it is something that can be moved past.

I think I've been doing a better job at controlling my IF emotions since I've been going back to church (non churchy people don't leave now, I wont get preachy). I think that in MY case, this has helped, which is great... I think that exploring what is out there to help has been a great step for me. I've been trying to pray before I go into a situation that might be hard for me (suspected pg announcements, lots of baby, that kind of situation) and it really seems to be helping me keep my nerves under control.

I guess I'll end with what has become my new daily mantra. It's not one that's easy to hold on to, because it does take so much faith, but it is something I'm chasing after, something I'm hoping will help me cope in the months and years ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Love All of You! Happy 4th... don't set fireworks off too close to any vital parts...we don't need to complicate things more! We all need all that we can at this point!

Oh Golly!

2009-06-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

It sure has been a long time since I have updated!! Bad blogger, bad! BAD!

So... actually there has been a whole lot, annnddd a whole lotta nothing going on.

First and foremost, while I will not be changing the name of the blog yet again, our family building option has changed. After much a late night of soul searching, as well as many many talks with friends, we have decided that (we think) we are going to use sperm donor. I know... shocking, right?

I was against it when we initially discussed it, and so was Pat... we wrote it off pretty darn quick. I just as quickly (we almost) resigned myself to never being pregnant. I stopped looking at maternity clothes online, I stopped wondering if the Kaiser in the next town over would EVER open it's brand spankin' new maternity ward, and I stopped thinking that I would get to watch my growing belly.

Well, imagine my surprise when my lovely husband came home one day and stated "I want you to be pregnant", my immediate response was "NOW?!". He said not quite now, but that he did want it. He had been talking with a couple friends who said they couldn't imagine missing the experience of their wives being pregnant, that they couldn't imagine missing the classes, that they could imagine missing their child come into the world. Hubby wants that, and he wants that for me! At first I was stunned. But I soon realized that I wanted it too. It's hard to imagine, knowing somewhere in my mind that the child that will grow in me wont biologically be Husbands, but at the same time it thrills me beyond all belief to know that I may actually get to be pregnant!! HOLY CRAP!!!! ME! PREGNANT!

My fear when the idea first came up was that Hubby would feel isolated. If we went with adoption we'd be going through the same process together. The child would not be either of ours biologically. With donor, I'm just worried he'll freak out someday, and not want to be a part of the baby's (child's) life. A huge part of me knows that would never happen. 99.9999% knows that Husband will love our children with all his heart no matter what, but it's that damn little percent that bugs me. I brought it up to Husband, he said he's scared too, but that's just because so much is unknown. Right now, I can live with that answer.

We had talked about putting all the baby stuff on break, talked about waiting till next year. Give us both time to regain our sanity. Now I'm not sure that'll happen (the waiting or the sanity). Husband still isn't working, but he actually does have some prospects, so that's a very good thing. We've also gotten in touch with our RE about a consultation. It's scary, but exciting.

It's been such a change, all of the things I'd written off our now back on the table. Each day I think of something else that I had told myself millions of time to forget about forever. I can't wait to remember more!!!

Off the baby topic... I am teaching swim lessons as a summer job, yay money!

ANDDDD tomorrow is our one year wedding anniversary!!!! YAY!!! We are too poor to buy each other anything, but we are going to go to dinner, yay sushi!!

Random side note... I asked Hubby why this first year of our marriage had to be the crappiest of our almost 9 years together. He answered "So the worst will be over with and the rest of our lives can be amazing!"

I <3 My Hubby :D

Bye Lovelies! Love you all!

"Have a fun Summer"

2009-06-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

"Stay Sweet"

I really felt the urge to write both of these in the yearbooks belonging to the kids in my class today, the last day of school, but I wrote nice things like "It was great having you in class" and "You'll do great in sixth grade". It was, as I expected super bittersweet. I didn't cry, I was in a great mood all day. I went to one of the other school for a while in the middle of the day to watch the Kindergarten program that I was invited to, and when I got back my class was all ready with a surprise for me. This is where my emotions almost got the best of me. I was shocked. The little punks (that's a complete term of endearment) had chipped in money and gotten me a canvas tote (ahhh near and dear to my heart) with pictures of the class on it, a coffee mug signed by all of them (because "all good teachers love coffee") a picture frame with pictures, a teacher blanket, and a memory book that they wrote in a drew pictures. I was so happy. Robyn, my Master Teacher extraordinare, got me a bunch of teaching supplies, and a little digital photo viewer with pics of all the kids. It was fabulous! I will miss that class so much, it's going to be tough getting used to new kids in the fall, but I'm excited :D

OH! what? This is an adoption blog? Sorry, I forgot for a minute. I got so busy talking about the 28 kids I already have that I forgot my normal preoccupation with the babies in my future.

So, on Tuesday we went to our Foster/Adopt class. It was so much info, so overwhelming. I am probably going to have to write a separate blog about it lol, since it's late, and I knew I shouldn't have started a blog right now. But, the info was good. There weren't many people there, and only one other woman stayed for the actual adoption part. It's going to be a long hard process. They said it can take up to 2 years for an adoption to go through, and that the child can be removed from the home at any time during those years if the parents are deemed able to parent. And, I know that is supposed to be good, the best thing for the child, but the woman speaking was very real about the fact that we would feel very torn by this because they are probably not going back to a good situation, the state is only looking at the most basic standards of care. She told us that we just have know that for the time the child was with us that we made a positive difference in their lives. UG! So difficult! We still aren't even sure that this is the way we are going to go, but I am really glad that we went to the class. We are going to a class at a private agency (hopefully, if Husband is up for it) on Tuesday. We'll see, we might wait until next month for that one. I am learning that I need to take this slow, it's very overwhelming, have I said that already?

Also! I got my new netbook! It's pretty amazing. I am pretty sure this one is male, my initial thought was a casual type of male, but it's design begs to differ, this is definitely a fancy guy, possibly British? I'm not sure. He has yet to be named. I hope I am not this bad at naming my children! Cripes!

Rambling Rambles, and Show and Tell

2009-05-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well hi there folks!

So, I can't really say that I have anything new to say about adoption, or foster/adoption (which is still what we are leaning towards). I have gotten a bum load of books to read, and am mostly just reading/stressing about the dreaded homestudy!! bummbummmbaaaaa... ya, the whole thing seems terrible, but I'm sure we'll make it through. At this point we are going to a foster/adopt orientation class on June 2nd (also my birthday) and hopefully we'll get some fabulous information.

Other things that are going on:
I only have 4 more days with my fifth grade class!!! It's so bittersweet. In Dec/Jan I was so terrified to go be traveling into fifth grade, and now I can't imagine being without those punks ;)
Now, that's overreacting a little bit, because in Fall I'll be back in fifth, but with a new group of kiddos. I'm sure it'll be bittersweet then as well, and in Dec when I leave for good I am sure I'll cry, I'm already tempted to cry now...

Oh gosh, I am totally in irrational, crazy b**ch AF mode! I just totally freaked out because I can't find the battery charger for my camera, or rather, the camera I'm borrowing from my mom, lol. I had to take some deep breaths, and stop myself from slamming stuff around. I do have another camera, which is pissy, and sometimes refuses to do anything that I want it to.

Okay, good news... and I am pulling a little bit of a two birds with one stoney right here.... it's time for....

The big news this week!!! My new netbook!! AHHHHHH! Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually don't have this little beauty in my hands yet, but she's on her way... well, it could be a he or she...we are waiting to find out the gender... hahahaha, oh jokes....btw, my desktop is a girl, my last laptop was also a girl, the one before that was a boy... thier names, respectively, Molly, Lola, and Mario (my car, a girl, is Charlie).

Awesome right? Just what I need for school stuff and blogging, and sooo tiny. Better than lugging my desktop around everywhere (AF makes me say weird things, blame her). I am pretty excited about this whole ordeal. I ordered from Verizon, so I had to sign up for their wifi anywhere thinger, but that's okay... I got the computer itself for a great deal. And I should it on Tuesday, my actual bday.

My other show and tell.... rollerblades! ya, I said it... not only do I have a new pair, but I may be in a roller gang. My good friends, #1 and #3 and their baby "the Tot", as well as Husband and I have been going blading just about every night...here is a pic of the blades... or rather, the blade...

I quite like them.

Okay, I'd better get going... I am in major psycho mode right now, lol... it's probably better if I just stop while I'm somewhat ahead, or at least while the Husband still loves me... lol

Going For It...

2009-05-19T16:19:00.001-07:00

Yay! Name changing time!

This blog shall hereby be known as:

We're Opting For Adopting

yay! This might be grammatically incorrect, I can't decide. It's too much to think about, but it's cute... so I'm keeping it, lol.

HEY YOU!

2009-05-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Ya, all three of you who sometimes read this, lol!

So, I've been thinking about a new blog name, but I've been seriously coming up short on names... until today, maybe.

how about..... drumroll....

"We're Opting for Adopting"

???

Anyone???

Confirmation = Determination

2009-05-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

So, even though we have pretty much known for 2 weeks that adoption was going to be our option, it was still a little difficult to see it (ya, in an email) this morning. Our Doc reviewed the lab results with another doctor and neither saw any sperm sells (LAME). He is supposed to call to discuss our "options" but hasn't yet. He talked to us about using a sperm donor before and when we both said we weren't interested he said he'd bring it up again if we got to that point... we are here, and still not interested.

I've been asked by quite a few people why we are not interested, and really, I guess all I can say is that we just aren't. I don't really have a "good" reason. I have a few selfish ones i.e. if I am going to be pregnant I want it to be with Pat's baby, not someone elses... and a couple other reasons, but mainly we just aren't.

So, moving on swiftly to adoption. We are terrified, but excited. We know it's going to be a long, crazy, emotional process, and can I say we are totally "ready" for it? No. I don't think we can be, at least not at this point. It's still pretty new...very new. I've contacted a bunch of agencies (wow, are there a lot!!) and we are signed up to go to a couple of classes over the next couple of month. Really the only thing keeping us from starting the process is Husband being out of a job. He's been jobless since November :( He feels so bad about it, and now with the added sterility...well, he's just not a happy camper. He's searching for a job hard, and I'm confident he'll find something, hopefully still in his field (he's a carpenter... Jesus's job right? Hecka Holy). Anywhoo, like I said, we are terrified, and excited, and looking for info, and trying not to go crazy!!!

We started our major house clean and organization today, get prepared for that homestudy...no time like the present, right? We've gotten rid of a TON of stuff, and put lots and lots in our garage sale pile.

OH!! I am going to be changing the name of my blog. Now that I have somewhat come to grips with the fact that "fertility wishes" will not be answered, and "BFP dreams" will not come true.... I just think I need a change. This might end up with me changing the blogspot address as well, but since I'll only have to inform like, 6 people lol, I'm not too worried. I don't know what I'll call it yet... is "The Road Less Traveled" too cliche? Is "Adoption is the New Pregnant" offensive? I don't know. Once I think of some real witty and awesome sounding names I may post a poll... not sure yet.

So... I'm sure there is more I want to say, but I can think of it. One of my adoption books arrived in the mail today, sooo that'll keep me from doing all kinds of schoolwork :D

Oh! Can you tell I'm a student and teacher at heart? This is the binder for adoption info I put together.

Oh... and here is a pic I took of my nephew at the fair over the weekend. He was so brave on all the rides!!

Nothing like...

2009-05-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

A final confirmation of our inability to have children first thing in the morning.

More to come later today.

The Diagnos-tist with the Mostest

2009-05-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

So, we are pretty much up poo creek without a paddle.

Having said that, we are pretty hopeful lol, if that makes sense at all. I think once I explain the the "poo creek" is a hope of natural fertility, and the paddle is made of a giant sperm... or maybe the creek is the sperm, and the paddle is... oh nevermind, you get the picture... hopefully, or maybe hopefully not.

We have poor Husband's official diagnosis: severe hypospermatogenesis... ya, say that three times fast, or even one time fast, it's pretty difficult.

Basically it just means that there is little to no sperm production. We are still awaiting the call to find out if it actually is "little" or "no", but we have pretty much decided that our new action plan is adoption. For IVF to work (if there is any sperm) we'd have to do TESE, which is a search and rescue mission in the ball area to find the sperm. Since Pat's production is very limited at best the doc said it'd be fairly invasive since they'd be rooting around in there quite a bit... I haven't thought of a clever name like ballopsy or balltrasound for that one yet... kind of a ballsection? I dont know. After that'd we'd be looking at IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically when they have to "incubate" the sperm outside of the body until they are all grown up and ready to do the deed. We've talked about this, and WOW, I think we might just pass up the crazy medical procedures and lowered chances of an IVF working and head straight down Adoption Ave. We aren't totally decided on this, and we know, from talking to the doc that he is still very unsure whether there is any sperm at all, in which case adoption isn't the most likely option, it is the ONLY option.

So like I said, we are many things right now
devastated, hopeful, scared, flabbergasted... so many other things, and most of them happening simultaneously.

I feel like it's not even my life. I was talking to a friend, and rattling off adoption facts, and I felt like I was just talking about something a friend was going through, or even just about something I had no connection with, but I guess I know that I do, it's just hard to accept. What step is that? denial? Maybe that's not a step, I think it's in the grief circle, not sure.

So, all of this being said, my blog is going through an identity crisis!!!! At this point I think "wishes of fertility" are pretty much non exsistent, and my "bfp dreams" are pretty much gone. I am currently thinking of new blog titles, and may even change the URL depending on what I come up with. Right now I'm liking "The Road Less Traveled" just because I really like the quote by Robert Frost.... although at the moment I feel a bit like this...

Defeated, at least for now...

2009-05-01T23:32:00.001-07:00

We left the house for 30 minutes today.
During that 30 minutes the Urologist called and left a message.
"few to no sperm, I'll call next week to discuss options, but it looks like there isn't production"

Shit...

What's a Life Without Dedication?

2009-04-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

HEY GUESS WHAT?
It's National Infertility Awareness Week...are you aware? You are here, you should be. If you'd like to become more aware, I'd suggest visiting my new fav fertility (or lack there of) site:

Fertility Authority!
www.fertilityauthority.com

They are great, and are the authority! You wouldn't argue baseball with Sports Authority right? I thought not. If something says it's the authority, just believe it, unless it's someone who says they are the $10 IVF Authority...don't trust that one.

I am probably getting way too obsessed with all of this, not like I wasn't before, but now I just feel like there is a world of information out there... and I want to learn all of it! I want to be able to "be my own advocate". All of the books suggest that we need to know all that we can, so that we don't get taken advantage of, and more importantly so that we understand all that the docs will be doing to our bodies. I just need the info!

Speaking of info, look what I got!!

How can getting books in the mail be the best and worst part of my day? Actually how can anything be the best and worst part of my day? I've been feeling this emotion quite a lot lately actually. I guess it's part of the roller coaster...

Speaking of which... we are still WAITING...oh my gosh, it's never ending. I should have known it would be bad when the Urologist said "about a week" for the results. ABOUT A WEEK!! What does that mean?? Don't they know how important this is?? I want a specific time and date, not an "oh I was too busy and didn't get around to calling" which in my mind is an exact translation of "about a week"... If they don't call by Friday I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind.

So, let me stay on this current trail of thought, which is complaining. I have had such trouble sleeping in the last few weeks. Actually I have always had some trouble sleeping, and last year was considering getting a prescrip...why didn't I get one?? Come on, all you TTCers know why...

Why would I get a prescrip if I was going to be pregnant!?!?! right?? Ug, I now know I just can't use that as an excuse. It's like "I can't buy these clothes because I'm planning on losing weight"... it's just nonsensical.

On the upside of things, my student teaching is going great...while I have tended to, on this blog, be a one subject type of girl, I just wanted to say that right now I am loving teaching fifth grade! I never ever thought I would want to be around fifth graders all the livelong day, but golly, they are just great. Makes me fear my old class of first graders!!

Another upside, my super duper cute nephew came over earlier in the afternoon. I may be bias but he's pretty much the best.

You want to snuggle him don't you? Yea, you do, just admit it. We made rice krispie treats, he decorated them to the EXTREME! We also played hellsa High Ho Cherry-O, and read a bunch of Clifford books. It was a fabulous afternoon. The Husband and him also bonded over some Rock Band, ahhh teaching a new generation to waste their days away, I love it.

Ug... there is always so much I want to say on here, and I forgot it throughout the day... I should really start writing down all my witty fertility jokes...

Later Days <3

(10 points, and a gold star, if you can tell me what cartoon that's from... Mrs.Webb *hehehe* is excluded from this competition, maybe Numero Uno as well...)

Show and Tell, Show and Tell, SHOW AND TELL!

2009-04-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

Ya, that's right, Show and Tell...for me...not for my students, for me!

I'm taking part in

So, here is what I picked, it might not seem like much, but I will explain how it defines me :D

Here is the story... I got this bag on my honeymoon, which was in Disneyworld, but was not in 1971 as the bag states :D
That actually is three parts of the story.
1) Great memory of my honeymoon
2) A great canvas tote (more on this later)
3) A great reminder of my ability to spend tons of money on all things Disney, especially marketing ploys "buy $30 of stuff and get this bag for $10" SURE!!

I loved my honeymoon, it was so fabulous just to be alone with Husband for 10 days, far away from California, far away from family. That's probably horrible to say, but it's nice to get away sometimes. I feel like the next line I wanted to write should be written this way.... "twas a simpler time of life".... ya, I realize it was less than a year ago, but in my TTCing mind that's forever! I bought my copy of What to Expect while on our honeymoon... it was the month I was sure I'd get pregnant, the month we officially started trying, even though we'd been kinda trying for three months before that. I want to go back to that time, kinda...mostly if only to reclaim my sex life (sorry, TMI, but that's the way TTCing goes). okay, onward!
Canvas totes... I know I love 'em! As a teacher I think I pretty much have to. This particular canvas tote is the one I carry everday, as I make my way to the indentured servitude that is student teaching, knowing that one day I will teach masses of youngins all the stuff that the state wants me to teach them (bitter? not really, just realistic). This bag represents me as a teacher. My lesson plan, my curriculum books, my cute teachery classes... all in this bag.
I don't think I need to explain too much about how I spend all my money on disney stuff...

btw... I also collect Disney pins (this is about a tenth of the collection). There is no way to justify this collection...

Love you all!!

2009-04-26T20:31:00.001-07:00

Ug, I don't even want to write, mostly I just want to throw things...
We don't have any news, Husband had his biopsy Friday, and we'll be waiting "about a week" for the results...lovely.

I'm just having a hard time today. Nothing really set it off, although going to buy clothes and realizing how much weight I've gained since we started ttc didn't really help.

I guess we are just waiting...

I bought some books about IVF the other day off of Amazon, gotta love those used books. We also went to an IVF clinic and got a ton of information, so that was nice. Their statistics pretty much rock, and that was the high point of my friday, although, considering the day consisted of Husband being in pain, I guess it was mostly just the not sucky point of the day.

We really like Husband's Urologist, although we probably won't stay with Kaiser for our IVF cycles, if they ever happen. Yes, I know this post is all over the place, lol, I'm just writing as I think, and since I think all over the place this is the result. We've pretty much come to the realization that we'd be waiting until Dec or Jan for any real move towards IVF. It seems like forever but since Husband is still awaiting a job, I'm still in school, and the grants for IVF take quite a while to go through, I guess that's where we stand. That might be why things aren't so great today, that's a tough realization to come to considering I could have a 3 month old right now if we'd gotten pregnant right away. argggg....

So, again, skipping back to where I was before... the Urologist... Here is a montage of Husband's moods.

Poor Husband right? I really do feel bad for the guy, but not bad enough to let him not do the testing.

Also, we mighhhtttt be looking into a "procedure", and by "procedure" I mean a four hour ball surgery for Husband. It's a vasoepididymastomy, how bout that!? Impressed? It's really a reverse vasectomy, even though DH hasn't had one, lol...mind blown? Mine too. They think the problem is that Husband has some sort of breakage... I'm sure I've explained this. Anyway, we don't know if our insurance is going to cover it, and it only has a 40% chance of working...again, what lovely odds... but we are looking into it. Again, all of this is assuming Husband is producing, which have I said, we don't find our for A WEEK!!! stab me in the eye....

I don't really have anything else to right except that today sucks, and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to go make brownies, which I'm sure will help with the weight gain right? uggg... I better just stop writing...

How Would You Feel About Having Them All At Once?

2009-04-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, gosh... I am the worst at blogging lol...
My plan was to update every time we got a new test result, and alas, I have failed horribly. We have had quite a few tests, but today got a somewhat real type of answer, or at least a narrowing down of options. Soooo here we go...

Husband went in for his blood work and everything was a-okay. I wasn't ever really thinking that was going to be a prob since he started growing a beard at 10. His FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is at a good level, which indicates that his body should be producing sperm. That made us happy. Moving on...

Husband had his ultrasound (his balltrasound) and that went well. He does have cysts on his epididymus which is apparently pretty common, and they don't think that is the reason for the blockage. His testes otherwise looked good (another good sign that he is producing).

Now on to the real fun. We went to see the Urologist today... I can think of no other name for this guy than Dr.Goofy-Guy (I may shorten this to Dr.GG soon, as he may be a fixture in our lives for the next few years). Anyway...we go in and are chatting about the regular questions, the tests we've done and whatnot, and then he asks "how many kids are you guys planning on having?" We answered "oh, 2 or 3, we really aren't sure".....his response, and the point where I knew it wasnt going to be great news.... "how would you like to have them all at once?" ya... suddenly I could only remember 3 letters of the alphabet. I.V.F.... not exactly what we were hoping for.

So, long story short of this appointment, because wowzers I am tired.

The Dr.GG says IVF is our mostly likely option, going off the fact that he thinks Husband is producing. We'll know that for sure after his biopsy on Friday (poor Husband), well, probably on Monday, not directly after.

So, with all that being said, I'm handling things pretty darn well, and so is Husband. We know we'll be parents someday, even if it's not the way we planned it to be, and I guess that's all we really need to know. We've been able to joke about things a bit...ex.
Husband: We need to buy a new truck
Me: We need to buy a baby
That kind of general malarky.
I know we'll be alright, it's just hard, anyone going through this knows how crappy it is to see pregnant women everywhere you go, or to see a pregnant woman smoking, or to hear about a teenage friend or relative who got pregnant "accidentally" (btw... I don't believe in accidental pregnancy...you'll prob here me complain about this more in the future). We're dealing, moving forward and looking at our options, weighing them out, trying to decide what we want and when we want it (What do you want? A BABY! When do you want it? Now!). Things are moving along though...the waits are killer, but friends (extra thanks to #1 and #3, you know who you are, we love you guys) and work help to pass the time.
I'll try and be better about updating, promise :D

While trying to find a picture for this blog I came across this... again, trying to end this on a somewhat funny note...this picture weirded me out.
Does this mean that Husband wants to be a naked pregnant woman??? Not sure... you be the judge...

Things I'm Realizing...

2009-04-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have been doing an incredible amount of soul searching, and an incredible amount of blog reading over the last week, and I am starting to realize some things.

1. Why are half the infertility blogs I read about teachers? I feel like almost every "about me" section I have read mentions "teacher" as an occupation, and many of them talk about Spring Break over the past couple of weeks. Is this some sort of sick joke that all of us teachers are being subjected to?!?! HAHA be around kids ALL DAY but too bad you can't have your OWN!

2. There is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy, and reading blogs that I can relate to is helping me with this issue in a huge way.

3. I have reached that point. The point where I will sacrifice almost anything to have a child. I know we can't afford much (I'd like to thank the economy for Husband being out of a job since before Thanksgiving), but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. If we can't buy a house for 10 years (we'll keep renting from my mom) , if I can't start my masters program (there's not jobs anyway), if we can't have the best of whatever we want (we need to save and budget more anyway) that's absolutely fine! If it'll give Husband and I the chance to be parent's then we'll do it.

4. I've started to believe in weird "signs". I was actually going to write a separate post about this,but just didn't. The biggest one was connecting with a friend from high school I haven't talked to in, gosh, we'll say 3 years, approximately, the night before Husband's SA. We got to talking about stuff and she explained that she too had been going through infertility treatments, and that they were dealing with the dreaded "Male Factor". The next day when we found out about Husband big ole zero I sent her a message, and got a great empathetic, informative email back. Weird that it would happen like that. The other things are smaller somewhat but still interesting. One of my "besties" is here on the Earth, and thus here in my life because of sperm donation (and a fab mom who rocks my world). My grandma was adopted, and always used to tell me what an amazing experience it was and how loved she felt. I drive the same road almost everyday and the day I was finally able to pull myself out of bed and go to the gym there is a new billboard up.... California IVF! I know, these all seem like not that big of a deal, but to me, well... I don't know, I'll just drop this topic.

5. I HATE telling family members about stuff, and I hate getting stupid ttc advice... I'll stop there on that one.

6. I LOVE being able to talk to my friends about way gross body stuff they don't want to hear about, and still know that they are listening and that they care.

7. Go with me here, it's a bit of sad humor... Husband and I will probably never have to use birth control again... how bout that...silver lining? yea... it's there

8. I love my husband. This past week has been incredibly rough for both of us, but we've had some great heart to hearts, and really gotten a lot of feelings and a lot of love out in the open. In a way it's been a relief to get all the pent up frustrations out, now that we aren't just reaching around in the dark for answers.

9. Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seat, pull down firmly on the restraints, and hold on for dear life... the fertility treatment roller coaster is about to depart!

Of SA's, AF's, CDs and Balltrasounds

2009-04-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm back!

After a week of feeling like total death, and not wanting to get out of bed, I have decided that I need to just stay positive about all this sh*t that is currently happening.

The Husband went in for his follow-up SA today. The results were supposed to take two weeks (in a normal situation) to get back, but as we suspected there was nothing in the semen to analyze, and thus we got the results this afternoon.

Our actual RE called us, we were out, and when we came home and I heard the message I knew it obviously wasn't going to be great news. We called back, he was with a patient, and the receptionist said he'd call back, he didn't call back in an hour... we called again, lol. And he was available!
As the phone rang Husband looked at me and said "no matter what they say, things will work out, we're in this together"... I felt instantly better about everything.

Dr. DBD (this is what I will call him, it stands for "Don't Be Discouraged", which is something he said to us about 10 times in our 4 minutes conversation) confirmed that indeed Husbands's sperm count is zero... "not a single sperm" he told us in his thick Indian accent. He is sending Husband to an Urologist who specializes in Male Factor Infertility. Before he goes in for this (the 20th...yay waiting) he is going to have blood work done, to check his hormone levels, and a testicular ultrasound (henceforth to be referred to as a balltrasound haha). Then he'll see this specialist who will most likely do a lot of poking and proding...this is Husbands payback for saying he wouldn't have to do anything uncomfy...HA!

In Tori news... My period (to be referred to as AF...short for Aunt Flow...sorry, I have realized I talk in ttc code a lot of the time, and not everyone who reads this is ttc-ing) is just about here, and never have I been so ready for her to just show herself! Once I am on CD1 I can get ready for my bloodwork on CD3... Husband and I are going in for our respective bloodworks together...how's that for "cute infertile" huh? His and Her's bloodwork. Our new joke about everything inferility is for Husband to say "we are in this together" and me to answer "present a united front!"... okay... it's not really a joke... we just say it to make ourselves feel better lol.
I'm trying to think if anything else is happening with me...no...lol.

Well, okay... non ttc related (aka most of you will probably stop reading now)
I have to have a sigmoidoscopy on Friday. This is like a small colonoscopy, and is mostly for the 50+ category of people, and apparently also me...lucky. Luckily my doc prescribed me some meds for this experience, because as a friend's husband so eloquently put it "the emotional ramification of a butt-pedo are irreversable". Anywhooo, this means that starting tomorrow morning and until 4pm on Friday I will be loading myself full of laxitives and clear liquid (TMI, and I dont care! suffer with me!). Also, all this fun sickness and ttc stress has given me a huge cold sore! (I am woman, hear me bitch!)

And, further out of ttc and body stuff.... Husband may be getting a new job, we are in the early application part of this, but keep us in your thoughts/prayers/journals/blogs/hearts (hehe), because if we are going to need IVF we need some serious steady money!!

Let's end with a laugh!

It's A Guy Thing.

2009-04-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

So...it has taken me 4 days (holy wowzers, has it only been 4 days) to get up the nerve to write about this, because that makes it seems a little more real, and real is something I'm currently against.
Now, I'll warn you that not all is known...so mostly this is a lot of overreaction on my part (kind of), so just bare with me.

So, the Husband went in for his Semen Analysis (SA) which I didn't even mention (except for the cup) in the last entries. I thought that of everything we did this would be the most insignificant and painless part of testing...

Prepare to be blind-sided...

As I sat here at my computer waiting for my Strep Test results Tuesday night, talking to K, and exhausting the web I got a familiar little ding that lets me know I have email. Thinking it's my strep results I click on it.
It was Husband's SA results... I perused them thinking I wont even have to worry about this...at the top there was the "collection" time, the read time, blah blah...then a lot of them are saying "NA" or "See Report", whatever... I dont know about this stuff....and then, the stomach punch.

Sperm Count: 0

ZERO?!?! This can't be right I thought... I looked at it again and again.... I spend a lot of my days teaching children how to correctly form their numbers, and let me just say that this was the most horrible zero I had ever seen in my life.

I started to get hot, and nauseous, I kept looking at it, I knew it was right, but I kept thinking that maybe they just left a number off of the front, and a five or six zeros off the end, HOW COULD IT JUST BE ZERO? I mean, there is stuff there!! I've seen it (TMI) I know something happens!

So, I freaked out, and cried, and eventually after hiding myself away in the office for about an hour told Husband, he too, freaked out in a man way. We talked things over, and decided we shouldn't get too worked up until the next day.

Soooo... Wednesday morning we called and got the confirmation. We were not pleased, to say the least. It just seemed so inconceivable that we would have to deal with this! Male Factor Infertility!?!? This thought had crossed my mind, but not in a legitimate way. I was just so sure it was me! Me with all the spotting, and the crazy cycle symptoms! ME! Not Husband, he shouldnt have to deal with this...neither should I, but I don't want it to be him :(

Now, after I let this sink in for a bit, I got into my normal mode...RESEARCH! I was looking up everything, EVERYTHING! And from what I have learned over the past couple of days there are options, and hope...quite a bit of both actually :D

We are thinking that our most likely option is going to be Interuteran Insemination (IUI), which is covered by my insurance luckily, and possibly In Vitro (IVF) which is not covered! Side note...I have been doing all kinds of bragging about my insurance and how it's super good, and what kind of cruel irony would have me have to get like the one treatment that isn't covered!?!?! argggg!!! okay...calm down, count to ten....alright, better. There is a slight chance that he might not be producing at all but I am ignorning that since it's not a very likely thing. He goes back in to give another "specimen" on Wednesday morning, and those test results take TWO WEEKS! How many two week waits (tww) do I need in my life? Apparently at least one additional one...
They will hopefully be able to figure out more details about the issue then.

So. Here I am...Here we are. Husband and I, infertile (although the receptionist at the RE clinic told Husband we were "the cutest couple ever"), so I guess we are "cute" and infertile...just what we always wanted to be right?

In my research I have come across an amazing book that I highly recommend to all those going through anything vaguely similar to me.
Here it is, The Infertility Survial Handbook : Everything You Never Thought You'd Need to Know (understatement of a lifetime!)

I know this is so much more I wanted to say in this blog, but it's late, and I'm tired, and since I have seriously fallen off the diet wagon this past week (I eat my feelings) I am going to attempt to get up and get back to the gym tomorrow, and back on my diet Monday...wish me luck!

OH! And to my friends out there who have listened to me cry and complain over the past week (and past 13 months!!!) Thank you so much... I love you guys so much, and you are the reason I am still sane. Love you! <3

Umm, Can I Just Say...

2009-03-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Never in my life have I had as many health problems as I've had in the last week!!!
So, taking out the fact that my body hates me in new ways every cycle, we'll skip all the lovely lady stuff, and get down to the other annoying, gnarly crap.
Last Saturday - Hemorrhoid! holy crap, external...painful!!
Yesterday - Thought I was dying of allergies, which leads me to today...
Today! Not dying of allergies, but do have some crazy throat thing going on that both my mom (who is an RN) and aunt described as "hideous" and wanted me to get an appointment asap! (tomorrow at 10:30am, blah)
AND... I seem to be having back spasms?? I don't know... I've never had them, but all day I have had crazy pain in my back, like enough that I want to down some vicodin, but oh! I'm in my tww, no such luck.

I used to never go to the doctors, and I have been like 4 times in the last week!! wth body!! Can't you just give it a rest!!

The Journey Begins

2009-03-30T16:39:00.001-07:00

To be perfectly honest, I guess the journey started 13 months ago...but who's counting...right?

I guess I should give some background on myself, in case someone other than K might stumble across this blog lol.

My name is Tori...and I am subfertile...(oh man, the bad jokes start already). So, like I said, I'm Tori, I'm 22 and my lovely Husband (26 for those wondering) and I have been trying to get knocked up for the past 13 months. It probably goes without saying that this process has been a lot different than I thought it would be. For the past year, until just a couple of weeks ago I was seeing a OBGYN who came highly recommended, but then did nothing to help me. After finally getting the nerve to switch I was immediately referred to an RE, which puts me where I am now.

Today we went to a mandatory infertility seminar to learn all about what we could expect in the upcoming months. It was basically a Welcome to Infertility Party, minus the treats and presents, unless you count the specimen cup they gave to the Husband...

For me it's just another waiting game, as there won't be any blood work done until CD3 of my next cycle. I'm currently on CD15. In my mind I am thinking it would be amazingly great if I got pregnant this cycle, and didn't have to worry about all of these crazy tests, but I guess I know that's unlikely. Until I actually get in for blood work this blog will probably be my way of getting out my frustrations, sorry readers :D

**Another disclaimer** Get ready to get to know me fairly intimately... I don't have a problem talking about all the crazy crap my body throws my way.

Let the rants and raves begin!!!