New Years Resolutions and Delurking!

Hi Lovelies!

First, I am going to make a quick mention to the fact that this is National Delurking Week. I myself am really bad about reading blogs and never commenting them or choosing to follow them, but still reading them all the time. So, if you are out there, and you sometimes read this blog, leave a comment, even if it's just to say hi :D Happy Delurking!!

So, I decided I would write down some resolutions on here... not that that means I'll keep them, but I think that since I am my blog's biggest fan, I'll at least see them often enough to maybe want to try for them.

1. To lose 25 pounds - I figured I'd start with the one that I am least likely to follow through on. I always want to lose weight, although I guess I've been told by more than one person that if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Well, I'm starting off right. I got a Wii Fit Plus from my mom for Christmas, and have really been making an effort to do it each day. I have also been adding a 2 mile walk with the dogs in each day, and changing my eating habit, so we'll see how it goes. I'm hopeful!!

2. Read 25 books - Really I should be able to do more than this, especially since I've already gotten through 2 this year. But it seemed like a good place to start.

3. Take my GRE's and apply for a Masters Program - This is just something I know I need to do. Right now I'm not working full time, so there is no better time to get ready for some awesome standardized testing, right? I can't decide what I want to get my Masters in, so... that'll probably be the bigger decision. I'm thinking as a reading specialist, or something to do with English learners.

4. Get (and stay) pregnant (for 9 months... then bring home a baby) - Sorry, just had to sneak that one in there...

5. Get myself back to church- I am going to start attending a "healing" group this week, and am really hoping it gets me back into a comfy relationship with God.

6. Be an infertility awareness advocate- Not just for me, but for people in general. I am actually not totally sure how to do this, lol, but I've got some ideas. I am going to start going to a support group that RESOLVE offers, and I am going to try and be more diligent about writing on this blog and on my Fertility Authority blog, and I am also planning on volunteering some time for RESOLVE. Those should get me started.

Lucky Number 7: Start my book... yea, I know, crazy... but hey, what is life if not crazy? More to come on this later... this post is getting wayyyy to long.



Wow... can I just say that I love the movie Baby Mama... even though it deals with pregnancy and babies... it also deals a hell of a lot with infertility...
One of my favorite lines "these hormone injections make me wanna punch you in the face right now"... oh Tina Fey!

So, that's the deal. That's my deal. Yay 2010!! Let's do this!!!

Without The Breakdown... Hopefully.

Dear 2009,
You have made my life a living Hell. Never have I had a worse year. Never have I cried so much, and been so unsure about everything happening to me. You suck 2009, you really, really suck.

Get Out!!

**********

Dear 2010,
I'm really counting on you. Please don't let me down. Please help me to find my place. Help me to not feel alone, and to not feel bitter. Help Husband get back to his job, and therefore back to some semblance of happiness. I don't want much, just the normal things that most people have in life.

Hoping For the Best,
Tori

Post Christmas Post

Ug, I've totally been avoiding writing. I just have nothing interesting to say.

No word on fertility treatments because there is still no word on Husband going back to his old job. I keep going through these crazy mood swings... I'll be super happy for a week or so, and then really depressed and crying for a couple of weeks. I think I've "gotten over" the miscarriage. I obviously won't even forget it, but I am not so sad about that specifically. I'm just sad about infertility. I'm just sad that it's going to be so hard to have babies. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I'm just repeating the other blogs I've written...

Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? At the beginning they are having a surprise party and Adam Sandler's character walks in and they all yell "SURPRISE", and then they realize it's not the right person and someone tells him "we wasted the good surprise on you"... that's how I feel. I don't feel that way specifically toward the baby I lost, but just the fact that we wasted the happiness and the surprising our families and everything on something that didn't work out. I know it won't be the same next time I tell Pat. He won't feel the same. I won't feel the same. It won't be the same when we tell our families. I was foolish to let myself get so excited, and I wish I could take that back.

I've got this week and next week off work. I don't know if that is good for me or bad. On one hand I can relax and do stuff around the house. On the other hand... I'll probably just relax and actually do nothing around the house.

I made it through Christmas, and only cried when Pat and I opened cards to each other, which is much better than I thought I would do. We got some good presents, and had a good time with family. I felt really sad a couple of times, but managed to push it back, and not let the emotions get to me. We are going to keep New Years really low key, last year on New Years was my first big break down about ttc. It had been like 9 months of trying, and we knew there was going to be a pregnancy announcement from some friends... and I was fed up. I still am. I decided that going out was probably a bad idea.

More than likely we'll be sitting around, playing the Wii we got :D
It's sooo much fun, and has been great bonding time for Pat and I. We've totally ended up laughing and flirting and just having fun for hours playing the games we have.

I have a lot of personal goals and/or resolutions that I am trying to get in order, and will hopefully get around to posting. In general they involve eating less, working out more, being less bitter about life, and getting my home more organized...we'll see how those go, lol.

Happy New Years to all!

What a Week!!

Oh my gosh! This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I honestly thought I was taking the miscarriage, and infertility in general pretty well, until it snuck right up on me and kicked me in the uterus. I have never spent so much time thinking that I hated my life, and wishing I could just erase the last couple of years. I can not stand being sad and depressed, and usually do a good job of pulling myself out of it, but wow...
I'm totally going to blame some of it on pms, since AF showed herself on Saturday. I had forgotten how unruly my body was when not on fertility meds, and I had been spotting for over a week when she made her official appearance. So, I am blaming some of my outrageous hormones on that.
I've come up with a plan though, to hopefully pull myself out of this funk. Well, when I say I've come up with a plan, what I mean is that my good friends have noticed my serious crappy state of mind and want me to seek some counseling, andddd that is what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just trying to figure out if I want to go through our medical insurance (I emailed my doc yesterday) or if I want to pursue counseling through the church I attend. Both have the pros, but I don't really feel like either have their cons. I am really trying to avoid medication, and am hoping I can deal with it all naturally. I feel really drawn to going through the church, even though they are not licensed counselors... I may just do both, lol.
My Hubs has been such a trooper through all of this. He's held me while I've cried, and made me laugh with ridiculous jokes. I am soooo thankful that I have a supportive husband who understands that I am a crazy, grieving, infertile woman who sometimes just freaks out for no reason at all. We celebrated 9 years together the other day, and vowed that we'd do all we could to make the rest of our years together infinitely better than the last couple have been. I know he'll make such an amazing father some day.

Oh! Shout out to a fabulous friend who got her bfp last week!!! YAY!!! Our flawed logic was totally correct! You deserve it lady!

I'm Still Alive

I just have nothing to say.

Thanksgiving came and went, nothing was too exciting.

I am down to writing one more reflection, and just polishing up my portfolio for school.

I am going to start substitute teaching until I can find a full time job teaching.

I might start my Masters in the Spring

The end of February will be two years since I went off birth control.

I just have nothing to say.

It Was Nice While It Lasted...

It really was...

For almost a week I got to be in the blissful land of happiness that is known as pregnancy. Unfortunately, I overstayed my welcome, and have now been kicked back to that sad sad country known as infertility. Even further, I am being kicked down to the southern part of that country referred to as uninsured.

We've been dreading December 1st. December 1st is when we lose the amazing, fabulous, ridiculously good insurance that has afforded us the luxury of pursuing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, we have now reached a somewhat early end to the luxury, as with this miscarriage the hcg will not be out of my system in time to squeeze in one more try. Major suck. We won't pursue treatments that we aren't covered for, mostly because they'd cost about double what we make in a month... so obviously we just couldn't do it. And, I've already maxed out my credit card paying for the donor sperm that has come with each cycle we have done.

Right now we are just dealing. Just trying to make it through each day without having complete breakdowns. One Wednesday I went in for a fourth hcg, and my numbers went down to 324 (bringing the total to 371, 313, 360, 324) so we knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy in any way. On Thursday I went in for an early (5 week) ultrasound, to see if the doctor could see any dilation of my fallopian tubes, since they were sort of suspecting ectopic. They couldn't find anything, and wanted me to go in for another hcg Friday, and another ultrasound on Monday. I went in Friday, and the numbers came back at 286... Game. Over.
I guess I already knew that... but it's just hard to hear. I guess I should have been happy to know that everything was starting to "resolve itself", but how the hell do you be happy about losing a baby? HOW? You just can't.

I can say honestly that I am distraught by this. It's horrible, and it comes in terrible sneak attacks. I went through this whole day being fine, until around 8 when I started to just descend into crappiness. It's horrible because on of my best friends is pregnant, and has a fabulous 18 month old, and I have NEVER felt jealous or angry while hanging out with them, until now... (sorry friend if you are reading this... I love you). Suddenly it effing sucks about 1000 times more than it did before to be around pregnant people. I think I have a hard time being around this particular (amazing) friend because from the moment I got my bfp I was THRILLED that we would get to be pregnant together. I thought about it so much, and now knowing that won't happen is a killer!

The Husband is not doing well with it. He wants a reason, not that I don't, but I think the whole needing a reason is more of a guy thing. He wants to know how we can avoid this next time. I keep telling him that it just happens sometimes, but he says that isn't a good enough answer. I understand... it's really not a good answer. It's a crappy answer.

I just want to know that all of this shit is happening for a reason. I want to know that some day I will have a healthy baby. At this point I'd be happy with one... I don't need two or three, I won't secretly wish for twins... I just want one. One.

I wish that none of our cycles had been successful. It would have been loads better than this. I knew this was a possibility, I knew it was. I mentally prepared myself for it, even before we started the cycle... but that just didn't make it easier. Quite honestly there has been one part of this whole ordeal that kills me more than anything else. The part that is so shockingly unfair that it actually makes it hard for me to breathe when I think about it. Being able to see my husband happy for four day. My husband who has been depressed for about 3 years now, because his sister is dying, because he can't get work in his trade, because he can't have children... was actually happy. Blissfully, delightfully happy. I haven't seen him smile and laugh like he did last week in so long. I haven't gotten to experience his joy for soooo long, and having back was amazing...and having it taken away has been torture.

Right now we are just keeping our heads above water. We know this won't destroy us, we know we'll make it through, but that in itself is the crappy part. We are in our 20's... we shouldn't be concerned with things hopefully not destroying us. That shouldn't be happening. We should be planning and having a family, not quitting the pursuit of a semi-biological family because we can't afford the thousands of dollars a month that it'll take to make that happen.

Is this my life? Is this our life? I'm pretty sure this isn't what either of us signed up for.

So, as you can tell, right now we are putting ttc on hold, at least for right now. We don't know when we'll be able to try again... it could be 2 months, it could be a year. It all depends on when the Husband can get back into his construction job, and back to the fancy union insurance, which hopefully won't have changed their infertility coverage by the time we get it back. I am planning to keep this blog up and running during our ttc hiatus, although it will be with super boring stuff, especially since school is over for me right now (wooo hooo teaching credential).

I know this crappy situation will someday be worth it. I believe that. I have to believe that. Someday my husband and I will be parents (and damn good ones at that!).

The Only Thing To Be Said Is...

Holy Crap!! This has been the most emotional 6 days of my life!!!

Let me take you back to Wednesday. I slept like crap on Tuesday night, so I woke up in the morning and tested...which I am normally so against...

lo' and behold



Cue the overwhelming happiness! I was shocked and excited. I silently screamed for about 5 minutes, then I told the Husband. He too was very excited.

Next step, my 14dpo beta, on Thursday

371

Cue the total freak out!! AHHHHH! Lovely high number!

This is where it gets crazy. I went in on Saturday for my 16dpo beta. They of course were backed up at the lab so I didn't get the results until last night.

310

:( That was the worst thing I had ever heard... why would that happen??
That is just adding insult to injury. A miscarriage to infertility. Why? And why did we tell our parents before the second beta. I wanted to kick myself.

Today I went in for another beta. I spent most of the day between feeling numb and crying. Husband was destroyed. We were so confused.

Today's beta... 360

WTF!?!?!?!?!

Now we are still just confused.... 371, 310, 360...

I don't know what's going on. I know there are a couple of options. I know we are not out of the woods. I will most likely have another beta on Wednesday.

I want to be happy about this. I want to know this will work out, but it's not starting out well. I am mentally preparing myself for a miscarriage, while still hoping and praying that things will work out and that in 8 months we will be parents.

I will update you (and by you I mean the literal one person who reads this... even though I talk to you every day anyway) when I know more.

LOL... ohhhh life... ohhhh infertility... ohhhh insanity.

Word of the day:

Infersanity: /n/ The insanity brought on by infertility. Tori was suffering from a severe case of infersanity