Updating My Goals, and Sneaking Back into the Blogosphere

I know... I've been MIA. I am not great with blog updates. Mostly because I simply have nothing to say. Things have been pretty darn depressing around here, but I'm expecting that any minute they'll get better, lol. I've been expecting this for the last couple of years... so it's got to happen soon, right?

I decided that at the very least I should update some of my goals, since I am still working on most of them :D

1. Lose 25 pounds: I'm glad I'm starting with this one, because I have been kicking butt on this goal. In the last weekish, while AF has been here, things have been up and down, but the week before that I had a couple incredible weigh-ins, and I'm sticking to those. 23 pounds down since last year at this time!! Woo hoo!! In honor of that good news, I'm putting my weight loss ticker back up on my blog, just to make myself feel good. haha.

2. Read 25 books: I'm kind of sucking at this, but I'm planning on getting back on track, especially since it's summer, and my job isn't going to involve a lot of planning. I think I've read about 10. I need to get back to Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (sent to me by the fabulous Melissa over at Banking On It). I know it's going to be really good, but I need to get back to actually reading it... which might mean dealing with my issues... ahhh!

3. Take my GREs and apply for a Masters program: nopedy nope nope

4. Get and stay pregnant: no, you have not missed that post... no treatments in site.

5. Get myself back to church: no... I haven't had the drive I know I should to get back there. I finished up that bible study, but haven't gotten back into another :(

(this goal update is actually making me more depressed lol)

6. Infertility Awareness: I haven't made the huge advances I'd like to, but I'm definitely out there talking about it, making people aware of the issues, so that's a plus.

7. Start my book: no, not yet, but I am taking the advice from the other Melissa over at Stirrup Queens, who is doing a little blog series about being published :D

NEW ONE

8. Become a little more domestic (haha): Okay, so I am now the proud owner of an amazing garden. I planted it a couple months ago, and it is just amazing!! I will post pictures soonish. Also, along with the occasional crochet order, I JUST (JUSSSTTT) fished my mom's sewing machine out of our garage (apparently it was living in our garage with a bunch of her other stuff, who knew) and I am excited to make an apron, or a quilt, or some other crafty crap. I swear, not being able to fulfill my goal of motherhood has made me want to do hells of other woman stuff. It's disturbing.

Well, I actually have a couple other things I think I want to write about, but I don't want this post to be insanely long and (more) boring, so I'll stop here for now. Thanks to those of you who are still reading!!

Byeee Lovelies :D

Still

Still here. Still infertile. Still no treatment plan in sight.

Still nothing new to write about. Still no motivation to think of anything to write about.

Still waiting for that to change.

Ohhh Sneaky Infertility

Why do I assume things won't bother me? Even though I know they are bugging all my other IF friends? Today is a perfect example. All week I told myself that Mother's Day was not going to get me down... why would it? It's not a holiday I put much thought into normally. It's not like I count down the days until it's here. It's not Christmas. I've been working in a kindergarten room the last couple of weeks, and even doing the Mother's Day stuff in there didn't impact me at all. I thought I was totally safe.

Then I woke up this morning and logged into FB. Cue the breakdown. I think what really get's me is just being reminded that my entire group of close friends are now moms. Sometimes more than once. Most of them all in the time we've been trying. It's not so much being left out of the club, it's more just not having a place to belong at all. Feeling so stagnant in my own life, that it seems like I'll never move forward.

The stagnant feeling unfortunately extends way past infertility in my life... but I guess that's another story.

Luckily I think I'll be able to avoid most people today, since I have some work to do at the school I'm working at. I called my own mom, and sent a couple texts, but I'm not doing a status update about a day that doesn't apply to me, and I'm not sending out any kind of mass text to everyone. If the Hubs wants to do it, that's fine. But for me, my goal for today is just get out alive, and start a new week tomorrow.

Hope everyone else out there is getting through the day alright. I cannot wait for my RESOLVE group tomorrow!!

I Survived

A couple nights ago the Hubs and I climbed into bed semi early-ish to just lay and talk. About 10 minutes after we laid down, I got the call I've been watching and waiting for. The call that my best friend was going into labor. My best friend who, along with her husband, has been with me every step of the way through my infertility journey. They are more than friends, they are family and yet I have been simultaneously dreading and hoping for this pretty much since the day we found out she was pregnant.
I pretty much immediately went into survival mode, mostly because I was the designated night time babysitter of her toddler and had to get my stuff packed for the next day and scoot my booty over to their house (I seriously should have packed a "ready to go to the hospital" bag for myself... or, I guess, a "ready to babysit while your friend goes to the hospital" bag). Their toddler, hereafter to be known as The Tot, was already asleep so I pretty much did the same. The next morning while I was getting ready for work I got a text that the baby should be born within the hour... I cried. A couple hours later I got a text picture of a fabulously healthy, beautiful new baby. I cried. I went home at lunch. I cried. After a couple more moments throughout the day, I pulled myself together and Hubby and I headed to the hospital to meet the newest member of our second family. The entire way there I told myself it was okay to cry, they'd understand. We got there and I looked at that brand new tiny little dude and... I didn't cry. I DIDN'T CRY! That was pretty much the shock of a lifetime. All I wanted to do was hold him, and I did, and it was fabulous. The only time I almost cried was when Pat held him, but that always makes me a little teary eyed anyway... it's just so darn cute to see.
I hate the conflicted feelings that come with infertility. How can I simultaneously be so happy, and so sad at the same time? So excited and yet so angry? It defies nature. I am still having the ups and downs that come with a new baby that isn't mine, especially since I had that small glimpse of being pregnant at the same time my friend was, and knowing that I should be due in 10 weeks, but am not. I know there will be more ups and downs, there always is. But really I'm chalking this one up as a win, since I can actually be around the little dude and not totally break down.


If I knew I wouldn't get the virtual stab from everyone out there, I'd post a picture of the little cutie patootie that, like his older brother, has totally stolen my heart. I can't wait to hold him lots more! Good thing his mommy is sympathetic to my craziness. For now I have one more day to hang out with The Tot before his little brother comes home to ruin his life, lol.

Advocacy - Again.

For some reason this seems to be the part of my resolutions that I have been keeping up on. I've got two new projects that I am going to work on.

The first one I found out about through one of the best fertility blogs out there, Stirrup Queens.
Project IF, which is an ongoing advocacy project run through RESOLVE, strives to get bloggers to unite and get talking about infertility and the challenges that we infertiles go through to build our families.
IF you'd like to participate, head on over to Stirrup Queens, read up on the full project and leave your "What IF".
The second part of the project will be announced later on this month, on both the RESOLVE and Stirrup Queen's websites.

The second advocacy project I'm going to work on is having a sock drive. That's right, you heard me, a sock drive. If you have been in the IF community for long, you've probably heard of these, and maybe even participated in one. If not, the idea is that us infertile girls spend wayyyy to much time with our feet up in stirrups, and that we should at least be able to look at pretty socks while we've got our feet up. I love the idea because it's simple, affordable... and because I have a weird sock obsession to begin with. So, I did a little searching and I found a really cool site that is all about donating socks to infertile girls (and maybe even guys... I know my hubby spend a fair amount of time on a table getting prodded). The site is, aptly name, Fertility Socks. It's set up really simply, with some good info, and a way to donate, as well as sign up to receive some socks.



My plan is to start my very own sock drive, and hopefully get a good box load to send to them. I'm going to post it on my Facebook, and hopefully I'll get a little bit of the idea of the whole thing out there...without just sounding like a total crazy freak :D

On the everything else side of things, nothing is new. I am anxiously awaiting official confirmation that I am a REAL fully credentialed teacher. They don't send me anything, no plaque, no certificate, but I'm still excited for it to tell me online that I am a real, qualified... unemployed teacher.
Nothing at all is happening on the baby frontier. I'd like to say that I'm not thinking about it, and just going about my merry way, but obviously that's a lie. I think about it all the damn time! It's never ending. Even when nothing is happening, and there are no plans for anything happening... it's still just always at the front of my mind.
I've been somewhat on the verge of another emotional breakdown, although I'm holding it at bay pretty well... I think. I think it has something to do with the fact that baby number #2 is about ready to arrive for my best friend, and being around her fabulously pregger belly is getting harder and harder. Especially because pretty much just cry every time I think about the baby actually arriving. It's such a... I don't even know... paradox? conundrum? pain in the ass? One side of me is DREADING the arrival, the other part of me just can't wait to meet the little guy. UG, infertility, you are a confusing skank indeed!

Oh gosh, sorry for this UBER long post. In other, other news, I've lost a couple more pounds (146, woot woot!!), and read a couple more books. I'm starting a new one now called Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (thanks a bunch to Melissa over at Banking On It for sending me a copy).

Okay... I'll stop boring your ears...errr eyes... off.

Hope all is well out there in the blogoverse!!

Don't forget that NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) is quickly approaching, April 24th-May 1st :D

Happy Blogaversary To Me!!!

Cripes, I almost forgot that today is my 1 Year Blogaversary...Blogday? I don't know. Either way I'm not real enthused about it.

It's probably got something to do with knowing that TOMORROW is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I know, a little dramatic, but true. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's first 0 sperm count. I guess maybe finding out I was having my miscarriage should trump that, but for some reason it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I know pregnancy, in theory, can happen again. Hubby's sperm count, on the other hand, has pretty much no chance of every magically appearing. It's just not going to happen.

I've thought about both of these anniversaries a lot over the past couple of weeks. Last March (and really all the months since) have been difficult. Not that we never had anything bad happen to us before, but his first 0 count was so devastating, so completely life altering, that I still think about it at least 3 times a day... and that's being very modest. I probably think about infertility in general at least 20 separate times a day... gosh... it really is a problem.

I have been pondering what I would write about. I want to say something like "the last year has really shaped me into a stronger person" or "my husband and I have become such a magnificent team over the past year", but really, while that all may be true, what jumps to the front of my mind is that I F%*&ING HATE INFERTILITY and that I feel like I will never bounce back fully from this past year, and that I feel like not only have we not moved forward, but now we not only have infertility, but we also have (at least) one dead baby. That's how I really feel about the situation if I don't reign in my emotions.

I know that I am stronger... I know that. Unfortunately I'm weaker in the sense that I have labeled myself an infertile, and now have a hard time getting away from it. I am going to work more on being an advocate (I feel like I've really found something I can make a difference in with this), and put less focus on just being childless, that's a new goal of mine. I know there are some things that just can't change right now, but I know that there are some things that can. I am still continuing to work on myself, and my relationship with my hubby, and there are lots of things in life that I can make the best of right now, because I know that I am blessed in many ways.

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I thought about not even posting a blog entry for today, but I think I need to, at least for myself. I think I need to be able to label how I'm feeling, and I guess the optimist in me thinks that someday I'll look back and thing "hahaha, look how silly and angry I was, now I have fabulous children, and I am so happy... I can't even imagine how I was back then".

I really hope that happens.

Reaching A Goal

So, as I've mentioned before, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to become more of an advocate for infertility awareness. I wasn't really sure how to go about this, since I've got no money or power of any kind, lol. One thing I figured I could easily do was get information about, even if it's just on a small scale, about what it's like to go through treatment.

Apart from this blog, I also write for Fertility Authority. I wrote this blog about being an advocate.

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I am out of the closet . . . the infertility closet.

My friends know, my family knows, my coworkers know . . . heck, the random person walking down the street might know something about our infertility.

If you know me at all, you most likely know that my husband and I are infertile. You probably know that I’m a teacher, I love kids and that we’ve always wanted a family. You know we started trying two years ago and that we’ve undergone treatments. You may also know that one round of treatment was successful, at least for a little while.

If you bring up babies in a conversation or ask me why I don’t yet have a baby, prepare to know. In detail. If you ask my husband, prepare to know even MORE detail.

Why? Because I know that for changes to be made in the way people think about and treat infertility, people need to talk about it. I know that it’s a rough subject and I know it can be uncomfortable, but most important subject are.

The need for advocacy, when it comes to infertility, is vital. If you are currently on your own infertility rollercoaster, then you are probably already aware of the lack of knowledge most people have about the subject. Dealing with people who aren’t going through the same thing can be really difficult. People, in general, don’t get it. They can’t unless they’ve been there, and while I’d never wish infertility on anyone, I definitely wish they had more knowledge about it.

Teaching people about infertility seems to happen in layers. Layer one seems to happen when you don’t want it to. It’s the layer that happens when people ask, “Why haven’t you started a family yet?”

Now, I know that not everyone is comfortable answering directly, but if you are like me, then normally it goes something like this, “Actually, we’ve got a whole team of professionals working on that for us, hahaha” or, “Actually we would love to start a family, but for us it’s going to be a long journey.”
Layer one, for me, is the hardest.

After that, the layers, seem to be a little easier. I like to tell people a little bit about what type of infertility we’re dealing with, and what our treatments are/will be, and what our experiences thus far have been.

Then I like to delve into a bit of advocacy. I want people to know that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility. Not because I want their pity, but because people need to know that insurance, basically, is not covering procreation. For many people this means that if you are unable to procreate in a totally naturally way, then you are unable to have a family. I want people to know that even if treatments are “covered,” like with the insurance we used to have, that it can still cost thousands of dollars per cycle.

People don’t know this, they really don’t. They don’t get that this is like saying, “If you can’t walk into a building naturally, you don’t get to come in” or, “If you can’t see a book, you don’t get to read.” It’s unfathomable to me, and it should be to anyone, that a person’s right to have a family can be denied, even though -- as we all know -- many people out there choose to recklessly play with their lives and have children in unstable homes every day. These people aren’t “tested,” they aren’t expected to pay thousands. They get what is natural, and so should we.

I refuse to be ashamed of the path that my husband and I are taking to achieve having the family we deserve. I don’t want my children to ever feel ashamed that their family was not built in the “normal” way. Advocacy can help change the way that people view fertility treatments, and hopefully over time, it will change the way that insurance companies see treatments as well.

There is no pity at my party. I am proud to be an advocate.