8 weeks

The hardest part of all of this is the not knowing.
I've seen the little Pumpkin Seed, and heard it's beautiful heartbeat... but only once. Between then and now, WHO KNOWS what could be going on??
Could everything have gone wrong since then? I don't know...
I don't do well not knowing. I'm not the type of person who can live in blissful ignorance and be okay.
The thought of waiting two more weeks for an ultrasound seems like a LIFETIME away. It seems an impossible amount of time to wait.
I know that every woman goes through this, and maybe I shouldn't complain... but I am.
I'm worried that the progesterone is what is causing everything I'm feeling. I'm also worried about having to stop the progesterone on March 8th. I think I'll be weaning myself off of it, since some ridiculous part of my mind is certain that the progesterone is the only reason I'm staying pregnant.

Other than those little freak outs, here is what's going on.

Symptoms:
- PAINFUL boobs! That's pretty much been constant since about the time I got my bfp, but wow... sometimes it actually makes me wince. I've started wearing a sports bra to bed, and while they still hurt, at least they don't wake me up when I roll over at night.
- Sickness. For a while it was WAY worse at night. The only times I've actually barfed have been at night, but I actually think I've gotten that under control. Now the queasiness lasts pretty much all day. I'm still working on making that distinction of starving = barfy = eat. It's such a weird sensation.
- Cravings. Mostly just for random things. Things that seem like I HAVE to have them or I'll die. Some favorites so far... bean and cheese burrito, mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, sou.r pat.ch kids candy
- Exhaustion. This actually just recently started. I'm the type of person who is pretty much always a little tired, but this is definitely more than that.
- Emotions. Just all over the place.
- Constipation, heartburn, gas

I've got the mandatory prenatal class at the hospital on Wednesday. Husband can't go because they only offer it on Wednesday :(
I'm really not looking forward to it, but to set up my next appts I have to go.

Hopefully they'll give me some free stuff :)

Behold...

Our little Pumpkin Seed!

I think I can finally breathe... a little.

This was definitely the best Valentine's Day gift I could ever have hoped for.
I am measuring at 6w6d, which is exactly what I am supposed to be. We got to hear the little sprout's heartbeat, which was cruising along at 126.

I know we still aren't out of the woods. It's early. I know this is still a touch and go time... but at least we've got some more hope.

I signed up for my prenatal class, and now I need to choose and OBGYN.

OH... and my estimated due date is October 4th... Yay for all the holidays falling during maternity leave!!

I'll update more soon.

6w5d (almost)

I'm actually still on 6 weeks, 4 days, but it's night so I'm close.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am I'll have my first ultrasound.

I'm terrified.

I just keep thinking that nothing will be in there. I have no reason to think that, but I just can't get it out of my mind.

If it goes well it'll be the best Valentine's Day EVER... if not... then the worst.

To add to all that fun I have a GNARLY cold!! I'm a teacher, so of course I have to expect that some of the little sickly children will rub their sickly little germies on me. BUT, I do not need this right now.

I am thinking about getting in the shower to get rid of some snot, hahaha... that's TMI, but who cares. I need to get it out.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonight, although honestly I haven't been sleeping well at all. Between my boobs hurting when I toss and turn and the CRAZY dreams I've been having... sleep has not been my friend.

Don't get me wrong here, I am so very happy that I am getting to experience pregnancy. I am totally fine with the nausea that comes and goes at the strangest of times, and I'm also fine with the non stop gas!!

I think that if tomorrow goes well that I'll be able to breathe A LITTLE. I know the next fews weeks are still going to be rocky... and by next few weeks I mean the next 33 give or take. Haha.

I'm realizing that this post is ALLLLL over the place. So, I'm just going to go sit in some warm water and then try to sleep.

Good night!! Wish me luck!

5w5d - Still Crazy

Well, I am quickly approaching my 6 week mark, and am feeling just as crazy as I have been since I got my BFP. I am trying as hard as I can to just enjoy this, but it's nearly impossible. My biggest fear, other than nothing on the ultrasound in ONE WEEK, is that all my symptoms are just from the progesterone suppositories (yuck) that I'm taking 2 times a day. I try to convince myself that this probably isn't very likely, but it's hard to believe myself sometimes :)

I will say that I have at least been reading WTE, and downloaded their little tracker app, and have looked at some other baby related stuff so that I can enjoy this potential little pumpkin seed a little bit. I think that if the ultrasound next week goes well I'll be able to breathe a little easier. I'm sure I'll be a stress case still, but at least I'll have had my "see it to believe it" moment.

So, at just under 6 weeks, this is what I've got going on.

A baby: The size of a sweet pea (awww)

Symptoms: Most noticeable - crazy boob soreness (yowza), and gas. Bad gas... bad gas cramps. Bad gas cramps waking me up at all hours of the night and making me take lots of a gas x. Other symptoms - VERY mild waves of nausea, HUNGRYYYYY all the time, peeing lots, tired a lot, bloated.

Emotions: All over the place. "Emtional" should probably be in the symptoms list, but I think part of it has to do with the hormones, and the other part is just general pregnancy stress.

A Husband: I think he's doing alright. He's excited, but trying not to be. I want him to enjoy it though.

An Ultrasound: NEXT MONDAY!!! AHHH!! Praying praying praying that we see a little bean in there!

4w5d - Rollercoaster

Oh my goodness!! I'm starting to feel like the infertility roller coaster was just the practice coaster before stepping up to the big leagues!
Pregnancy, even at this very very early stage, is insanely nerve wracking!! I am totally over analyzing every little thing. I try not to, but it's impossible.

The most frustrating part is that I want to be happy and excited, but I'm not :(
I just can't get my hopes up. I know that at any point something could go wrong... I can't stop the feeling of dread. I am really hoping that if things keep progressing for the next few weeks the way they are supposed to, that I'll eventually start feeling a little better.

So, in week 5 of my pregnancy, this is what I've got...

A baby... the size of an orange seed

Symptoms... like heart burn, incredibly sore breasts, some tiredness, and some crazy emotions

An ultrasound.... on Valentine's Day (which I'm really hoping goes well, or that will be one crappy holiday)

A husband... who is also having a hard time being happy, even though he wants to be.

A hope... that is could be the end of our wait.

Hopefully in the next few weeks things will get more interesting, in a good way.

Cautiously Optimistic...

Well, after a very interesting week I can at least go through my Friday feeling pretty decent.
Just as any average, crazed, IF beaten girl can be expected to do, I started testing last Saturday. I told myself it was stupid as I was doing it, but I couldn't help it.
Saturday night: light positive
Sunday: light positive
Monday-Wed: Progressively darker

OH! And more importantly. Tuesday I had a little issue that landed me in the ER, and while I was there they did a blood hcg.... a day early (winner, me!)

Tuesday (13dpiui): 144

I've been avoiding posting because last time my second beta is where things went wrong. My numbers started going crazy, up and down and up and down. I didn't want to post if it was going to be like that.
Well, I called this morning, at 6:30, of course, and....

Thursday (15dpiui): 541

I'm pretty pleased with that. More than tripled seems like a good progression. I'm still scared, and I'm sure I will be through this entire ordeal. But, at least I'm starting to let myself believe that I MIGHT have a baby in my future.

Symptoms:
headache
cramps (these scare me, even though apparently they are normal)
very mild heartburn/indigestion
very very mild nausea
tired

I am calling the nurse at the IF clinic later so that I can schedule an ultrasound. I'm still nervous that all will go wrong, like I heard the number wrong, or who knows what else...
But, I'm going to try and relax and enjoy this, and pray pray pray that this might be the time it works out :)

IUI #4 - Done and DONE!

Well, things yesterday went off without a hitch. The only crappy part was that Hubby wasn't able to be with me during the IUI, darn work. Actually, I take that back, I can't bad mouth a job that at least gives us some insurance....

SO, now I wait... wait and wait. Currently my whole life is waiting. Waiting on fertility treatments, waiting on news about my other health stuff. Waitttttttttingggg.

My first beta will be on the 26th...ahhh!!!
This cycle I'm noticing how tired the meds made me. Maybe it's because I've got more going on. I don't know. I've also been super emotional... and strangely not about the things that I probably should be upset about. Instead I notice myself tearing up at random moments in the book I'm reading, or during a tv show. Me no likey. I guess there is only more of that to look forward to.

My least favorite part of any cycle,the progesterone suppository part, starts tomorrow night. I really hate those little buggers. But, I will obviously take them diligently and act damn happy about it if they help get and keep me pregnant.

Over the next couple of weeks I've got a massive amount of school and work stuff going on, but I am definitely trying to not let the stress get to me. I think I'll be taking quite a few evening baths... not too hot of course... over the next couple of weeks.

Deep breaths... relaxing... positive thoughts :)