Cripes, I almost forgot that today is my 1 Year Blogaversary...Blogday? I don't know. Either way I'm not real enthused about it.
It's probably got something to do with knowing that TOMORROW is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I know, a little dramatic, but true. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's first 0 sperm count. I guess maybe finding out I was having my miscarriage should trump that, but for some reason it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I know pregnancy, in theory, can happen again. Hubby's sperm count, on the other hand, has pretty much no chance of every magically appearing. It's just not going to happen.
I've thought about both of these anniversaries a lot over the past couple of weeks. Last March (and really all the months since) have been difficult. Not that we never had anything bad happen to us before, but his first 0 count was so devastating, so completely life altering, that I still think about it at least 3 times a day... and that's being very modest. I probably think about infertility in general at least 20 separate times a day... gosh... it really is a problem.
I have been pondering what I would write about. I want to say something like "the last year has really shaped me into a stronger person" or "my husband and I have become such a magnificent team over the past year", but really, while that all may be true, what jumps to the front of my mind is that I F%*&ING HATE INFERTILITY and that I feel like I will never bounce back fully from this past year, and that I feel like not only have we not moved forward, but now we not only have infertility, but we also have (at least) one dead baby. That's how I really feel about the situation if I don't reign in my emotions.
I know that I am stronger... I know that. Unfortunately I'm weaker in the sense that I have labeled myself an infertile, and now have a hard time getting away from it. I am going to work more on being an advocate (I feel like I've really found something I can make a difference in with this), and put less focus on just being childless, that's a new goal of mine. I know there are some things that just can't change right now, but I know that there are some things that can. I am still continuing to work on myself, and my relationship with my hubby, and there are lots of things in life that I can make the best of right now, because I know that I am blessed in many ways.
I thought about not even posting a blog entry for today, but I think I need to, at least for myself. I think I need to be able to label how I'm feeling, and I guess the optimist in me thinks that someday I'll look back and thing "hahaha, look how silly and angry I was, now I have fabulous children, and I am so happy... I can't even imagine how I was back then".
I really hope that happens.