Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Happy Blogaversary To Me!!!


Cripes, I almost forgot that today is my 1 Year Blogaversary...Blogday? I don't know. Either way I'm not real enthused about it.

It's probably got something to do with knowing that TOMORROW is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I know, a little dramatic, but true. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's first 0 sperm count. I guess maybe finding out I was having my miscarriage should trump that, but for some reason it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I know pregnancy, in theory, can happen again. Hubby's sperm count, on the other hand, has pretty much no chance of every magically appearing. It's just not going to happen.

I've thought about both of these anniversaries a lot over the past couple of weeks. Last March (and really all the months since) have been difficult. Not that we never had anything bad happen to us before, but his first 0 count was so devastating, so completely life altering, that I still think about it at least 3 times a day... and that's being very modest. I probably think about infertility in general at least 20 separate times a day... gosh... it really is a problem.

I have been pondering what I would write about. I want to say something like "the last year has really shaped me into a stronger person" or "my husband and I have become such a magnificent team over the past year", but really, while that all may be true, what jumps to the front of my mind is that I F%*&ING HATE INFERTILITY and that I feel like I will never bounce back fully from this past year, and that I feel like not only have we not moved forward, but now we not only have infertility, but we also have (at least) one dead baby. That's how I really feel about the situation if I don't reign in my emotions.

I know that I am stronger... I know that. Unfortunately I'm weaker in the sense that I have labeled myself an infertile, and now have a hard time getting away from it. I am going to work more on being an advocate (I feel like I've really found something I can make a difference in with this), and put less focus on just being childless, that's a new goal of mine. I know there are some things that just can't change right now, but I know that there are some things that can. I am still continuing to work on myself, and my relationship with my hubby, and there are lots of things in life that I can make the best of right now, because I know that I am blessed in many ways.


I thought about not even posting a blog entry for today, but I think I need to, at least for myself. I think I need to be able to label how I'm feeling, and I guess the optimist in me thinks that someday I'll look back and thing "hahaha, look how silly and angry I was, now I have fabulous children, and I am so happy... I can't even imagine how I was back then".

I really hope that happens.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Reaching A Goal

So, as I've mentioned before, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to become more of an advocate for infertility awareness. I wasn't really sure how to go about this, since I've got no money or power of any kind, lol. One thing I figured I could easily do was get information about, even if it's just on a small scale, about what it's like to go through treatment.

Apart from this blog, I also write for Fertility Authority. I wrote this blog about being an advocate.


I am out of the closet . . . the infertility closet.

My friends know, my family knows, my coworkers know . . . heck, the random person walking down the street might know something about our infertility.

If you know me at all, you most likely know that my husband and I are infertile. You probably know that I’m a teacher, I love kids and that we’ve always wanted a family. You know we started trying two years ago and that we’ve undergone treatments. You may also know that one round of treatment was successful, at least for a little while.

If you bring up babies in a conversation or ask me why I don’t yet have a baby, prepare to know. In detail. If you ask my husband, prepare to know even MORE detail.

Why? Because I know that for changes to be made in the way people think about and treat infertility, people need to talk about it. I know that it’s a rough subject and I know it can be uncomfortable, but most important subject are.

The need for advocacy, when it comes to infertility, is vital. If you are currently on your own infertility rollercoaster, then you are probably already aware of the lack of knowledge most people have about the subject. Dealing with people who aren’t going through the same thing can be really difficult. People, in general, don’t get it. They can’t unless they’ve been there, and while I’d never wish infertility on anyone, I definitely wish they had more knowledge about it.

Teaching people about infertility seems to happen in layers. Layer one seems to happen when you don’t want it to. It’s the layer that happens when people ask, “Why haven’t you started a family yet?”

Now, I know that not everyone is comfortable answering directly, but if you are like me, then normally it goes something like this, “Actually, we’ve got a whole team of professionals working on that for us, hahaha” or, “Actually we would love to start a family, but for us it’s going to be a long journey.”
Layer one, for me, is the hardest.

After that, the layers, seem to be a little easier. I like to tell people a little bit about what type of infertility we’re dealing with, and what our treatments are/will be, and what our experiences thus far have been.

Then I like to delve into a bit of advocacy. I want people to know that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility. Not because I want their pity, but because people need to know that insurance, basically, is not covering procreation. For many people this means that if you are unable to procreate in a totally naturally way, then you are unable to have a family. I want people to know that even if treatments are “covered,” like with the insurance we used to have, that it can still cost thousands of dollars per cycle.

People don’t know this, they really don’t. They don’t get that this is like saying, “If you can’t walk into a building naturally, you don’t get to come in” or, “If you can’t see a book, you don’t get to read.” It’s unfathomable to me, and it should be to anyone, that a person’s right to have a family can be denied, even though -- as we all know -- many people out there choose to recklessly play with their lives and have children in unstable homes every day. These people aren’t “tested,” they aren’t expected to pay thousands. They get what is natural, and so should we.

I refuse to be ashamed of the path that my husband and I are taking to achieve having the family we deserve. I don’t want my children to ever feel ashamed that their family was not built in the “normal” way. Advocacy can help change the way that people view fertility treatments, and hopefully over time, it will change the way that insurance companies see treatments as well.

There is no pity at my party. I am proud to be an advocate.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Check out My Etsy!!

So, apparently crocheting is all the rage? Have you heard? Well, hear it now! If you thought that menopause inducing hormone shots, and bottles upon bottles of drugs were all you needed to feel old... guess again! Now you can add needle crafts!

And, because it is common knowledge that I am a total follow of fads... okay not really, I'm always a day late and a few thousand dollars short... I decided I'd jump on the bandwagon. After all, I've got nothing else going on, right?

So! Without further adieu... ANNOUNCING...

FERTILE THREADS <---- click me! click me!!

My totally awesome, crocheted item, store! Right now I've only got baby hats listed for sale (ironic, ya?), but soon enough I will have more kid and adult size beanies, and hopefully scarfs and other biggish stuff. I'm really excited about it, and excited about the name! All of the money from this store is going towards paying our fertility treatments, and while we probably won't be starting anytime soon, we will at least, hopefully, have a little extra dough when we do!

In other, totally exciting news... I PASSED my last big test for my teaching credential!!! AHHHHHH!!! Now all I've got left to do is get my CPR re-certified (oops, forgot I needed that) and within a couple of weeks I'll be fully credentialed, and waiting for the economy to slap me in the face with a crazy lack of jobs!
Still excited though :D

Oh, and I finally broke 150 pounds, I'm almost down 10 pounds!!

Bye Lovelies!

My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE ----- I stole this from C :D

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