The Only Thing To Be Said Is...

Holy Crap!! This has been the most emotional 6 days of my life!!!

Let me take you back to Wednesday. I slept like crap on Tuesday night, so I woke up in the morning and tested...which I am normally so against...

lo' and behold



Cue the overwhelming happiness! I was shocked and excited. I silently screamed for about 5 minutes, then I told the Husband. He too was very excited.

Next step, my 14dpo beta, on Thursday

371

Cue the total freak out!! AHHHHH! Lovely high number!

This is where it gets crazy. I went in on Saturday for my 16dpo beta. They of course were backed up at the lab so I didn't get the results until last night.

310

:( That was the worst thing I had ever heard... why would that happen??
That is just adding insult to injury. A miscarriage to infertility. Why? And why did we tell our parents before the second beta. I wanted to kick myself.

Today I went in for another beta. I spent most of the day between feeling numb and crying. Husband was destroyed. We were so confused.

Today's beta... 360

WTF!?!?!?!?!

Now we are still just confused.... 371, 310, 360...

I don't know what's going on. I know there are a couple of options. I know we are not out of the woods. I will most likely have another beta on Wednesday.

I want to be happy about this. I want to know this will work out, but it's not starting out well. I am mentally preparing myself for a miscarriage, while still hoping and praying that things will work out and that in 8 months we will be parents.

I will update you (and by you I mean the literal one person who reads this... even though I talk to you every day anyway) when I know more.

LOL... ohhhh life... ohhhh infertility... ohhhh insanity.

Word of the day:

Infersanity: /n/ The insanity brought on by infertility. Tori was suffering from a severe case of infersanity

10dpo The Quick Update

Well, another cycle is slowly (ohhhh so slowly) winding down, and I have no idea what my feeling are about it. I can't say that I have any symptoms that scream "pregnancy"... at least none that don't also scream "progesterone". I've definitely got the heartburn, the cramps, the aching errr... well, who cares... the aching boobs, and I'm so very tired.... but that really means nothing for someone who is all hopped up on the P ;)

I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but darn it hard! We've only got one more try (at least in the near future) before our insurance runs out, and I am thankful for that one try, but man, I hope we don't need it.

I am not going to test until Thursday, and normally I wouldn't even do that, but as usual I've managed to have some miraculous planning on this cycle. Thursday is also the day I go in for my beta (blood pregnancy test), and I'll get the results on Friday morning... why is that significant? Oh yea... Friday is my last day in my student teaching class. I love my class, and I know I'll probably already be a little bit of a wreck having to leave them. I thought about not calling until school was over for the day... but please!! That just seems like torture. So, if I can get my good cries out on Thursday, then I'll be good on Friday when I call, or at least if I cry they'll just think it's because I'm sad to leave them.

On the school note, I've only got about... hmmm... two weeks left of work, and then I am done with the teaching credential program! I've got one more standardized test to take, but other than that I am done!! I've met my goal...teaching credential by 23! I've got two teaching/professional goals that follow. One I'll probably meet, the other one maybe not. One is to start my Masters, and be done within two years of starting it. The other was/is to have my own classroom by 24, but I am kinda hoping this doesn't happen. Why? Because at this point if I get pregnant, I'll probably be having the little soy bean too close to the beginning of the school year for me to start... which is fine by me :D

So, that's what I've got going. Staying hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.

Oh, I thought I'd leave with a little bit of humor... this is my life... those who I talk to regularly... or really those ttc or struggling with infertility will all totally get this. btw... Hopefully everyone gets that this does not mean blog comments lol... just general every day comments.

Gimme the Good Stuff!!

I came home from my CD2 doc's appt on Tuesday with a vast assortment of syringes and needles. What a weird thing to have just laying around the house....

This cycle is when things start to get really real. We need this to work, and fast. For one, we lose our good (amazing, fabulous, best thing going for us right now) insurance on Dec 1, when Husband becomes eligible for the crappy insurance at his new job. This week I am going to try and see if there is any way we can keep the good insurance, rather than accepting the bad... but I don't think so. We have this cycle, and the next... and then we are SOL, at least until Husband can get back to his old job. The second reason it's getting real is because I expressed my concern about the first issue to the NP that "cycles me" and she has decided that we need to step up the drugs, skip over step two (which would have been Femara), and go straight to the good stuff... injections.

I started on Wed (which was CD3), and went back in yesterday for some monitoring. Right now I've got some follies happening, so that's fabulous. I had one that was 12mm (pretty good), one that was 10 (good) and a BUNCH of smaller one. I don't know if any of those will actually do anything, but maybe. Right now I am hoping that I release 2 or 3, but I'd be happy with one.... I'd be happy with anything I can get.

We just need this....

It is mildly terrifying. I am scared of getting over stimulated, and I am scared of getting pregnant with multiples. I've had three medical professionals tell me, in the last 5 days, that I am at a very "high risk" for multiples. I think it would be a little less scary if they didn't use the phrase "high risk". I don't know... I just want a baby... can I just have that??

In other, totally ridiculous news, that I told Kate I'd definitely be venting about. I found out that someone I know is pregnant again. Oh? Pregnant again you say? Not such a big deal...people do have more than one child. Oh yea? Their other child is barely out of the womb!! Oh, and they are unemployed, high school drop outs... yea.. no big deal. The best was the way I was told... it was phrased to me as "I have some great news, wanna hear" from another relative. WHEN I ASK, WHEN, WOULD THIS EVER BE GREAT NEWS TO ME!?!?! You want to know when... never. NEVER! I know that I shouldn't be mad about other people getting pregnant, and I'm not really even jealous, I'm just baffled. Baffled at life's little unfairities (yea... I made that word up).

Let's seeee.... no, nothing else is really going on with me. I have another appointment on Monday to see how my follies are doing, and I will have my IUI at some point next week. I'm just a ball of emotions, as usual. I wish I could be hopeful, but sometimes it just feels like I go through the motions each month with no real hope of actual getting pregnant. I'm ready for it, Husband is ready for it... come on baby! Be ready to come to us!!

Oh... this is cycle number 20 since I went off birth control... that's a special little thought for me to keep in my mind... lucky number 20...maybe...hopefully?

Third Times a Charm? Hopefully....

So, I've been not so great at keeping this thing updated, but I've got a couple of excuses...lol.

School has been insane!! Luckily, I will be done with my student teaching in about a month and a half, and then after one more standardized test, and some paperwork, I will be a fully qualified, fully unemployed, fully teachery teacher!! I'm super excited, although I'd be a bit more thrilled if I had a job lined up. Right now I'm planning on subbing, which is a great job that involves no responsibility or planning after each day is over! That's my kind of job!!

Aside from that I've pretty much just been so down about fertility that I haven't wanted to depress everyone else with my crappy thoughts, lol. I've been doing with the "if you don't have anything nice to say" approach, but I figured today I could break the silence a bit.

This morning we found out that cycle 2 was a bust.

It sucks, bit time. "Sucks" doesn't even cover it, but since I don't want to burn anyone's eyes with what I want to say, so I'll leave it at that.

The big decision now is whether we want to step up the fertility drugs this month. I've got mixed feelings about it, since there is a chance of getting overstimmed, andddddd since we lose our insurance in two months, a cancelled cycle is the last thing we need. No matter what we decide I am done with clomid, it thins out my uterine lining too much, and is probably the reason that the last two cycles have failed.

So... that's where we stand. We feel like we're stuck behind some window watching as all our friends effortlessly get pregnant.

We are trying to stay hopeful, but we know there is a chance that we may be waiting a long, long time for this.

Another Cycle, Another Dollar

Cycle number 2 has officially started! Well, it started a couple of days ago I guess, but this is when I'm writing about it.

I'm feeling good about this cycle so far. I'm trying to keep my thought positive.

Last night I started my clomid, which is the same dose as last cycle, whoo hoo! The NP at my office had talked about cutting it because I had had 3 follies with a fourth that wanted to make it, but the good doctor doesn't think cutting the dose is a good idea. Bring on the follies and the hot flashes!!

At this point I am guessing that my IUI will be next Friday, just because that's how my cycle days landed last month. We are using the same donor, which I feel good about, because he really was our top choice, and I think he's a really good candidate.

Downside of this cycle... I am going to be away at camp with my fifth graders the week I supposed to test!! I'm thinking that each month there will be something even crazier that I'll have to do each cycle while I'm waiting to find out. First, a trip to visit family, now a trip to camp... Any suggestions for next month? Maybe a trip overseas?

Husband and I dealt better than either of us suspected with the last cycle not working out. I figured we'd be a wreck for the weekend, but really, we just weren't. By Sunday I was pissed about the money we had spent, but that's about it. We are both just stoked to actually have a chance at this, so it didn't totally destroy us that it didn't happen the first time.

I really don't have much else going on, fertility related that is. I am thinking about volunteering for RESOLVE, which is the National Infertility Association, as a peer group leader, but I'd probably not be able to do it until I was done with student teaching in November.

Soooo, I guess we'll see what pans out. Right now I'm just taking things one day at a time, and trying not to think to far ahead about what could or should happen in the cycle. I'm hoping, wishing and praying that this will be the cycle that we get our bfp, but I'm not counting on it, or getting my hopes up.

Bye Lovelies!

Nothing Like...

A fresh batch of failure to start off a weekend.

I got my beta results back... not pregnant.... cue the two day pity party.

IUI #2 here we come.

I am happy that I get to stop my progesterone... the non stop headache has not been pleasant.

Hopefully AF will show so we can get the next round started.

Umm Duh.

I pretty much forgot to mention the highlight of the past week.

Last week while I was in New Jersey I got to make a little side trip to see my good friend Kate!!!

Kate is one of the IF girls that has kept me sane for the last year and a half. She's one of my every day talk to-ers. I'd probably have gone totally crazy, and spent $1000 on wasted pregnancy tests without her there to keep me positive, and keep me from testing at 2dpo :D



Oh, on the same subject. The planning for this trip totally made me feel like a fifteen year old. Do you remember how that was? I felt like I was right on the edge of having my independence, but my mom still wanted to "keep an eye on me". For one, I was forbidden to drive the car. Hi... I'm 23, married, and maybe pregnant... I just completed around of semi-intense fertility treatments. Anyway, once I got there it was also a bit like this, as my mom and Kate met, we ate lunch, and then I was given like 3 hours to hang out with my friend. It was quite the experience in humiliation.

On the upside, Kate and I had a great time trucking around on water taxis, looking at old homes we wish we could purchase, and sweating our butts off until we stopped and ate some delicious gelato. Oh, well, the gelato came 2 hours after a fabulous seafood lunch, and an hour before the fudge... it was a bit of a food adventure which is fine. by. me.

Thanks Kate for showing me around, and just being awesome in general!