I Have A Hard Time Waiting.

I admit it. I knew about 20 seconds after we got the call about the grant that we would be back into treatment as soon as possible. Even though the grant doesn't cover everything... even though we should probably wait a bit longer... even though... oh forget it, I'm out of reasons, and tired of waiting!!
We aren't going to start cycling this month, or even next, but maybe within the next three months! AHHHHH!!!! WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS! Holy cow! I called and made an appointment at the clinic we'll be using now, since we aren't bound by insurance (lucky us... no insurance, lol). We started a new donor search and have even narrowed it down to a few key players with names like The Viking and Roller Gang (lol, naming our donors is our favorite part).
My husband has been in a better mood since he found out about the grant, and the possible start of treatment, although we are both really scared about starting again. I don't think we'll be truly happy until there is a little bundle of joy in our arms. That saddens me a little. I wish we were still blissfully naive about baby making. But, at the same time, I know this whole experience will make us stronger, better parents. And that eventually we'll achieve our goal of bringing home a beautiful little tot... or two, lol.

Of All The Days.

Today is the day I've been dreading. The day that the little computer web site calculator thinger told me I'd be having my baby. Now, I know that it is called an ESTIMATED due date, but still... I've been wishing the world would just skip this day for the last 8 months. Yesterday I was a wreck. It was one of those sudden crash and burn situations. I felt happy and energized all day, and then around 3 I just lost it. I'm not sure if it was getting off work and having time to think... or my Hubby posting "who wants to be born in July anyway" on his FB that set me off... but whatever it was, it was bad. Luckily my husband sat with me, and hugged me and let me being a ridiculous mess of crying, and then took me to dinner. I fell asleep when it was still light outside.

This morning I woke up at 5... decided I didn't have the energy or motivation to go to my normal Friday swim workout and when back to sleep. The phone rang at 6:30. Weird. Our ringer was off, but we both woke up when the answering machine clicked on...

Cue crazy coincidence...

The machine picked up, and it was a board member representing a grant we had applied for months ago. We hadn't heard from them, and naturally just assumed that they had received more needing applicants.

Well, apparently our story really touched them because they are offering us $3000 towards treatment. I cried on the phone. I said thank you 100 times. I told the man who called that today was my edd (estimated due date), he said it was divine providence, and I agree. I cried when I got off the phone. I jumped up an down.

In the fertility treatment world $3000 isn't a fortune, but in our fertility treatment world, it's the jack pot. It's hope. It changed a day we've been dreading to a day full of possibilities.

Jumping back into fertility treatments seems terrifying and exciting all at once. I called a fertility clinic for pricing, and while their prices are high, they actually aren't as high as I thought they'd be. I feel like I can almost plan again. I've been paying off my credit card, which was full of our past cycle debt, and once we get everything confirmed through the grant we may start doing some more serious planning.

This day still hasn't been the greatest. There are lots of feelings. Mostly of guilt and failure, but at least now I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's dull. Mostly today I am just thankful. Thankful for this grant and for organizations that give couples like Pat and I a chance. Thankful for my amazing friends that wrote beautiful, thoughtful, AMAZING recommendations letters for us. And thankful for hope. Thankful that I'm letting myself not be totally destroyed by this day. Just thankful.




Side note: I'll write more specifics about the actual grant and the organization once they make their official announcement of recipients.