I Survived

A couple nights ago the Hubs and I climbed into bed semi early-ish to just lay and talk. About 10 minutes after we laid down, I got the call I've been watching and waiting for. The call that my best friend was going into labor. My best friend who, along with her husband, has been with me every step of the way through my infertility journey. They are more than friends, they are family and yet I have been simultaneously dreading and hoping for this pretty much since the day we found out she was pregnant.
I pretty much immediately went into survival mode, mostly because I was the designated night time babysitter of her toddler and had to get my stuff packed for the next day and scoot my booty over to their house (I seriously should have packed a "ready to go to the hospital" bag for myself... or, I guess, a "ready to babysit while your friend goes to the hospital" bag). Their toddler, hereafter to be known as The Tot, was already asleep so I pretty much did the same. The next morning while I was getting ready for work I got a text that the baby should be born within the hour... I cried. A couple hours later I got a text picture of a fabulously healthy, beautiful new baby. I cried. I went home at lunch. I cried. After a couple more moments throughout the day, I pulled myself together and Hubby and I headed to the hospital to meet the newest member of our second family. The entire way there I told myself it was okay to cry, they'd understand. We got there and I looked at that brand new tiny little dude and... I didn't cry. I DIDN'T CRY! That was pretty much the shock of a lifetime. All I wanted to do was hold him, and I did, and it was fabulous. The only time I almost cried was when Pat held him, but that always makes me a little teary eyed anyway... it's just so darn cute to see.
I hate the conflicted feelings that come with infertility. How can I simultaneously be so happy, and so sad at the same time? So excited and yet so angry? It defies nature. I am still having the ups and downs that come with a new baby that isn't mine, especially since I had that small glimpse of being pregnant at the same time my friend was, and knowing that I should be due in 10 weeks, but am not. I know there will be more ups and downs, there always is. But really I'm chalking this one up as a win, since I can actually be around the little dude and not totally break down.


If I knew I wouldn't get the virtual stab from everyone out there, I'd post a picture of the little cutie patootie that, like his older brother, has totally stolen my heart. I can't wait to hold him lots more! Good thing his mommy is sympathetic to my craziness. For now I have one more day to hang out with The Tot before his little brother comes home to ruin his life, lol.