Rambling Rambles, and Show and Tell

Well hi there folks!

So, I can't really say that I have anything new to say about adoption, or foster/adoption (which is still what we are leaning towards). I have gotten a bum load of books to read, and am mostly just reading/stressing about the dreaded homestudy!! bummbummmbaaaaa... ya, the whole thing seems terrible, but I'm sure we'll make it through. At this point we are going to a foster/adopt orientation class on June 2nd (also my birthday) and hopefully we'll get some fabulous information.

Other things that are going on:
I only have 4 more days with my fifth grade class!!! It's so bittersweet. In Dec/Jan I was so terrified to go be traveling into fifth grade, and now I can't imagine being without those punks ;)
Now, that's overreacting a little bit, because in Fall I'll be back in fifth, but with a new group of kiddos. I'm sure it'll be bittersweet then as well, and in Dec when I leave for good I am sure I'll cry, I'm already tempted to cry now...

Oh gosh, I am totally in irrational, crazy b**ch AF mode! I just totally freaked out because I can't find the battery charger for my camera, or rather, the camera I'm borrowing from my mom, lol. I had to take some deep breaths, and stop myself from slamming stuff around. I do have another camera, which is pissy, and sometimes refuses to do anything that I want it to.

Okay, good news... and I am pulling a little bit of a two birds with one stoney right here.... it's time for....



The big news this week!!! My new netbook!! AHHHHHH! Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually don't have this little beauty in my hands yet, but she's on her way... well, it could be a he or she...we are waiting to find out the gender... hahahaha, oh jokes....btw, my desktop is a girl, my last laptop was also a girl, the one before that was a boy... thier names, respectively, Molly, Lola, and Mario (my car, a girl, is Charlie).


Awesome right? Just what I need for school stuff and blogging, and sooo tiny. Better than lugging my desktop around everywhere (AF makes me say weird things, blame her). I am pretty excited about this whole ordeal. I ordered from Verizon, so I had to sign up for their wifi anywhere thinger, but that's okay... I got the computer itself for a great deal. And I should it on Tuesday, my actual bday.

My other show and tell.... rollerblades! ya, I said it... not only do I have a new pair, but I may be in a roller gang. My good friends, #1 and #3 and their baby "the Tot", as well as Husband and I have been going blading just about every night...here is a pic of the blades... or rather, the blade...



I quite like them.

Okay, I'd better get going... I am in major psycho mode right now, lol... it's probably better if I just stop while I'm somewhat ahead, or at least while the Husband still loves me... lol

Going For It...

Yay! Name changing time!

This blog shall hereby be known as:

We're Opting For Adopting

yay! This might be grammatically incorrect, I can't decide. It's too much to think about, but it's cute... so I'm keeping it, lol.

HEY YOU!

Ya, all three of you who sometimes read this, lol!

So, I've been thinking about a new blog name, but I've been seriously coming up short on names... until today, maybe.

how about..... drumroll....

"We're Opting for Adopting"

???

Anyone???

Confirmation = Determination

So, even though we have pretty much known for 2 weeks that adoption was going to be our option, it was still a little difficult to see it (ya, in an email) this morning. Our Doc reviewed the lab results with another doctor and neither saw any sperm sells (LAME). He is supposed to call to discuss our "options" but hasn't yet. He talked to us about using a sperm donor before and when we both said we weren't interested he said he'd bring it up again if we got to that point... we are here, and still not interested.

I've been asked by quite a few people why we are not interested, and really, I guess all I can say is that we just aren't. I don't really have a "good" reason. I have a few selfish ones i.e. if I am going to be pregnant I want it to be with Pat's baby, not someone elses... and a couple other reasons, but mainly we just aren't.

So, moving on swiftly to adoption. We are terrified, but excited. We know it's going to be a long, crazy, emotional process, and can I say we are totally "ready" for it? No. I don't think we can be, at least not at this point. It's still pretty new...very new. I've contacted a bunch of agencies (wow, are there a lot!!) and we are signed up to go to a couple of classes over the next couple of month. Really the only thing keeping us from starting the process is Husband being out of a job. He's been jobless since November :( He feels so bad about it, and now with the added sterility...well, he's just not a happy camper. He's searching for a job hard, and I'm confident he'll find something, hopefully still in his field (he's a carpenter... Jesus's job right? Hecka Holy). Anywhoo, like I said, we are terrified, and excited, and looking for info, and trying not to go crazy!!!

We started our major house clean and organization today, get prepared for that homestudy...no time like the present, right? We've gotten rid of a TON of stuff, and put lots and lots in our garage sale pile.

OH!! I am going to be changing the name of my blog. Now that I have somewhat come to grips with the fact that "fertility wishes" will not be answered, and "BFP dreams" will not come true.... I just think I need a change. This might end up with me changing the blogspot address as well, but since I'll only have to inform like, 6 people lol, I'm not too worried. I don't know what I'll call it yet... is "The Road Less Traveled" too cliche? Is "Adoption is the New Pregnant" offensive? I don't know. Once I think of some real witty and awesome sounding names I may post a poll... not sure yet.

So... I'm sure there is more I want to say, but I can think of it. One of my adoption books arrived in the mail today, sooo that'll keep me from doing all kinds of schoolwork :D

Oh! Can you tell I'm a student and teacher at heart? This is the binder for adoption info I put together.




Oh... and here is a pic I took of my nephew at the fair over the weekend. He was so brave on all the rides!!

Nothing like...

A final confirmation of our inability to have children first thing in the morning.

More to come later today.

The Diagnos-tist with the Mostest

So, we are pretty much up poo creek without a paddle.

Having said that, we are pretty hopeful lol, if that makes sense at all. I think once I explain the the "poo creek" is a hope of natural fertility, and the paddle is made of a giant sperm... or maybe the creek is the sperm, and the paddle is... oh nevermind, you get the picture... hopefully, or maybe hopefully not.

We have poor Husband's official diagnosis: severe hypospermatogenesis... ya, say that three times fast, or even one time fast, it's pretty difficult.

Basically it just means that there is little to no sperm production. We are still awaiting the call to find out if it actually is "little" or "no", but we have pretty much decided that our new action plan is adoption. For IVF to work (if there is any sperm) we'd have to do TESE, which is a search and rescue mission in the ball area to find the sperm. Since Pat's production is very limited at best the doc said it'd be fairly invasive since they'd be rooting around in there quite a bit... I haven't thought of a clever name like ballopsy or balltrasound for that one yet... kind of a ballsection? I dont know. After that'd we'd be looking at IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically when they have to "incubate" the sperm outside of the body until they are all grown up and ready to do the deed. We've talked about this, and WOW, I think we might just pass up the crazy medical procedures and lowered chances of an IVF working and head straight down Adoption Ave. We aren't totally decided on this, and we know, from talking to the doc that he is still very unsure whether there is any sperm at all, in which case adoption isn't the most likely option, it is the ONLY option.

So like I said, we are many things right now
devastated, hopeful, scared, flabbergasted... so many other things, and most of them happening simultaneously.

I feel like it's not even my life. I was talking to a friend, and rattling off adoption facts, and I felt like I was just talking about something a friend was going through, or even just about something I had no connection with, but I guess I know that I do, it's just hard to accept. What step is that? denial? Maybe that's not a step, I think it's in the grief circle, not sure.

So, all of this being said, my blog is going through an identity crisis!!!! At this point I think "wishes of fertility" are pretty much non exsistent, and my "bfp dreams" are pretty much gone. I am currently thinking of new blog titles, and may even change the URL depending on what I come up with. Right now I'm liking "The Road Less Traveled" just because I really like the quote by Robert Frost.... although at the moment I feel a bit like this...

Defeated, at least for now...

We left the house for 30 minutes today.
During that 30 minutes the Urologist called and left a message.
"few to no sperm, I'll call next week to discuss options, but it looks like there isn't production"

Shit...