I'm Still Alive

I just have nothing to say.

Thanksgiving came and went, nothing was too exciting.

I am down to writing one more reflection, and just polishing up my portfolio for school.

I am going to start substitute teaching until I can find a full time job teaching.

I might start my Masters in the Spring

The end of February will be two years since I went off birth control.

I just have nothing to say.

It Was Nice While It Lasted...

It really was...

For almost a week I got to be in the blissful land of happiness that is known as pregnancy. Unfortunately, I overstayed my welcome, and have now been kicked back to that sad sad country known as infertility. Even further, I am being kicked down to the southern part of that country referred to as uninsured.

We've been dreading December 1st. December 1st is when we lose the amazing, fabulous, ridiculously good insurance that has afforded us the luxury of pursuing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, we have now reached a somewhat early end to the luxury, as with this miscarriage the hcg will not be out of my system in time to squeeze in one more try. Major suck. We won't pursue treatments that we aren't covered for, mostly because they'd cost about double what we make in a month... so obviously we just couldn't do it. And, I've already maxed out my credit card paying for the donor sperm that has come with each cycle we have done.

Right now we are just dealing. Just trying to make it through each day without having complete breakdowns. One Wednesday I went in for a fourth hcg, and my numbers went down to 324 (bringing the total to 371, 313, 360, 324) so we knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy in any way. On Thursday I went in for an early (5 week) ultrasound, to see if the doctor could see any dilation of my fallopian tubes, since they were sort of suspecting ectopic. They couldn't find anything, and wanted me to go in for another hcg Friday, and another ultrasound on Monday. I went in Friday, and the numbers came back at 286... Game. Over.
I guess I already knew that... but it's just hard to hear. I guess I should have been happy to know that everything was starting to "resolve itself", but how the hell do you be happy about losing a baby? HOW? You just can't.

I can say honestly that I am distraught by this. It's horrible, and it comes in terrible sneak attacks. I went through this whole day being fine, until around 8 when I started to just descend into crappiness. It's horrible because on of my best friends is pregnant, and has a fabulous 18 month old, and I have NEVER felt jealous or angry while hanging out with them, until now... (sorry friend if you are reading this... I love you). Suddenly it effing sucks about 1000 times more than it did before to be around pregnant people. I think I have a hard time being around this particular (amazing) friend because from the moment I got my bfp I was THRILLED that we would get to be pregnant together. I thought about it so much, and now knowing that won't happen is a killer!

The Husband is not doing well with it. He wants a reason, not that I don't, but I think the whole needing a reason is more of a guy thing. He wants to know how we can avoid this next time. I keep telling him that it just happens sometimes, but he says that isn't a good enough answer. I understand... it's really not a good answer. It's a crappy answer.

I just want to know that all of this shit is happening for a reason. I want to know that some day I will have a healthy baby. At this point I'd be happy with one... I don't need two or three, I won't secretly wish for twins... I just want one. One.

I wish that none of our cycles had been successful. It would have been loads better than this. I knew this was a possibility, I knew it was. I mentally prepared myself for it, even before we started the cycle... but that just didn't make it easier. Quite honestly there has been one part of this whole ordeal that kills me more than anything else. The part that is so shockingly unfair that it actually makes it hard for me to breathe when I think about it. Being able to see my husband happy for four day. My husband who has been depressed for about 3 years now, because his sister is dying, because he can't get work in his trade, because he can't have children... was actually happy. Blissfully, delightfully happy. I haven't seen him smile and laugh like he did last week in so long. I haven't gotten to experience his joy for soooo long, and having back was amazing...and having it taken away has been torture.

Right now we are just keeping our heads above water. We know this won't destroy us, we know we'll make it through, but that in itself is the crappy part. We are in our 20's... we shouldn't be concerned with things hopefully not destroying us. That shouldn't be happening. We should be planning and having a family, not quitting the pursuit of a semi-biological family because we can't afford the thousands of dollars a month that it'll take to make that happen.

Is this my life? Is this our life? I'm pretty sure this isn't what either of us signed up for.

So, as you can tell, right now we are putting ttc on hold, at least for right now. We don't know when we'll be able to try again... it could be 2 months, it could be a year. It all depends on when the Husband can get back into his construction job, and back to the fancy union insurance, which hopefully won't have changed their infertility coverage by the time we get it back. I am planning to keep this blog up and running during our ttc hiatus, although it will be with super boring stuff, especially since school is over for me right now (wooo hooo teaching credential).

I know this crappy situation will someday be worth it. I believe that. I have to believe that. Someday my husband and I will be parents (and damn good ones at that!).

The Only Thing To Be Said Is...

Holy Crap!! This has been the most emotional 6 days of my life!!!

Let me take you back to Wednesday. I slept like crap on Tuesday night, so I woke up in the morning and tested...which I am normally so against...

lo' and behold



Cue the overwhelming happiness! I was shocked and excited. I silently screamed for about 5 minutes, then I told the Husband. He too was very excited.

Next step, my 14dpo beta, on Thursday

371

Cue the total freak out!! AHHHHH! Lovely high number!

This is where it gets crazy. I went in on Saturday for my 16dpo beta. They of course were backed up at the lab so I didn't get the results until last night.

310

:( That was the worst thing I had ever heard... why would that happen??
That is just adding insult to injury. A miscarriage to infertility. Why? And why did we tell our parents before the second beta. I wanted to kick myself.

Today I went in for another beta. I spent most of the day between feeling numb and crying. Husband was destroyed. We were so confused.

Today's beta... 360

WTF!?!?!?!?!

Now we are still just confused.... 371, 310, 360...

I don't know what's going on. I know there are a couple of options. I know we are not out of the woods. I will most likely have another beta on Wednesday.

I want to be happy about this. I want to know this will work out, but it's not starting out well. I am mentally preparing myself for a miscarriage, while still hoping and praying that things will work out and that in 8 months we will be parents.

I will update you (and by you I mean the literal one person who reads this... even though I talk to you every day anyway) when I know more.

LOL... ohhhh life... ohhhh infertility... ohhhh insanity.

Word of the day:

Infersanity: /n/ The insanity brought on by infertility. Tori was suffering from a severe case of infersanity

10dpo The Quick Update

Well, another cycle is slowly (ohhhh so slowly) winding down, and I have no idea what my feeling are about it. I can't say that I have any symptoms that scream "pregnancy"... at least none that don't also scream "progesterone". I've definitely got the heartburn, the cramps, the aching errr... well, who cares... the aching boobs, and I'm so very tired.... but that really means nothing for someone who is all hopped up on the P ;)

I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but darn it hard! We've only got one more try (at least in the near future) before our insurance runs out, and I am thankful for that one try, but man, I hope we don't need it.

I am not going to test until Thursday, and normally I wouldn't even do that, but as usual I've managed to have some miraculous planning on this cycle. Thursday is also the day I go in for my beta (blood pregnancy test), and I'll get the results on Friday morning... why is that significant? Oh yea... Friday is my last day in my student teaching class. I love my class, and I know I'll probably already be a little bit of a wreck having to leave them. I thought about not calling until school was over for the day... but please!! That just seems like torture. So, if I can get my good cries out on Thursday, then I'll be good on Friday when I call, or at least if I cry they'll just think it's because I'm sad to leave them.

On the school note, I've only got about... hmmm... two weeks left of work, and then I am done with the teaching credential program! I've got one more standardized test to take, but other than that I am done!! I've met my goal...teaching credential by 23! I've got two teaching/professional goals that follow. One I'll probably meet, the other one maybe not. One is to start my Masters, and be done within two years of starting it. The other was/is to have my own classroom by 24, but I am kinda hoping this doesn't happen. Why? Because at this point if I get pregnant, I'll probably be having the little soy bean too close to the beginning of the school year for me to start... which is fine by me :D

So, that's what I've got going. Staying hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.

Oh, I thought I'd leave with a little bit of humor... this is my life... those who I talk to regularly... or really those ttc or struggling with infertility will all totally get this. btw... Hopefully everyone gets that this does not mean blog comments lol... just general every day comments.