It Was Nice While It Lasted...

It really was...

For almost a week I got to be in the blissful land of happiness that is known as pregnancy. Unfortunately, I overstayed my welcome, and have now been kicked back to that sad sad country known as infertility. Even further, I am being kicked down to the southern part of that country referred to as uninsured.

We've been dreading December 1st. December 1st is when we lose the amazing, fabulous, ridiculously good insurance that has afforded us the luxury of pursuing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, we have now reached a somewhat early end to the luxury, as with this miscarriage the hcg will not be out of my system in time to squeeze in one more try. Major suck. We won't pursue treatments that we aren't covered for, mostly because they'd cost about double what we make in a month... so obviously we just couldn't do it. And, I've already maxed out my credit card paying for the donor sperm that has come with each cycle we have done.

Right now we are just dealing. Just trying to make it through each day without having complete breakdowns. One Wednesday I went in for a fourth hcg, and my numbers went down to 324 (bringing the total to 371, 313, 360, 324) so we knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy in any way. On Thursday I went in for an early (5 week) ultrasound, to see if the doctor could see any dilation of my fallopian tubes, since they were sort of suspecting ectopic. They couldn't find anything, and wanted me to go in for another hcg Friday, and another ultrasound on Monday. I went in Friday, and the numbers came back at 286... Game. Over.
I guess I already knew that... but it's just hard to hear. I guess I should have been happy to know that everything was starting to "resolve itself", but how the hell do you be happy about losing a baby? HOW? You just can't.

I can say honestly that I am distraught by this. It's horrible, and it comes in terrible sneak attacks. I went through this whole day being fine, until around 8 when I started to just descend into crappiness. It's horrible because on of my best friends is pregnant, and has a fabulous 18 month old, and I have NEVER felt jealous or angry while hanging out with them, until now... (sorry friend if you are reading this... I love you). Suddenly it effing sucks about 1000 times more than it did before to be around pregnant people. I think I have a hard time being around this particular (amazing) friend because from the moment I got my bfp I was THRILLED that we would get to be pregnant together. I thought about it so much, and now knowing that won't happen is a killer!

The Husband is not doing well with it. He wants a reason, not that I don't, but I think the whole needing a reason is more of a guy thing. He wants to know how we can avoid this next time. I keep telling him that it just happens sometimes, but he says that isn't a good enough answer. I understand... it's really not a good answer. It's a crappy answer.

I just want to know that all of this shit is happening for a reason. I want to know that some day I will have a healthy baby. At this point I'd be happy with one... I don't need two or three, I won't secretly wish for twins... I just want one. One.

I wish that none of our cycles had been successful. It would have been loads better than this. I knew this was a possibility, I knew it was. I mentally prepared myself for it, even before we started the cycle... but that just didn't make it easier. Quite honestly there has been one part of this whole ordeal that kills me more than anything else. The part that is so shockingly unfair that it actually makes it hard for me to breathe when I think about it. Being able to see my husband happy for four day. My husband who has been depressed for about 3 years now, because his sister is dying, because he can't get work in his trade, because he can't have children... was actually happy. Blissfully, delightfully happy. I haven't seen him smile and laugh like he did last week in so long. I haven't gotten to experience his joy for soooo long, and having back was amazing...and having it taken away has been torture.

Right now we are just keeping our heads above water. We know this won't destroy us, we know we'll make it through, but that in itself is the crappy part. We are in our 20's... we shouldn't be concerned with things hopefully not destroying us. That shouldn't be happening. We should be planning and having a family, not quitting the pursuit of a semi-biological family because we can't afford the thousands of dollars a month that it'll take to make that happen.

Is this my life? Is this our life? I'm pretty sure this isn't what either of us signed up for.

So, as you can tell, right now we are putting ttc on hold, at least for right now. We don't know when we'll be able to try again... it could be 2 months, it could be a year. It all depends on when the Husband can get back into his construction job, and back to the fancy union insurance, which hopefully won't have changed their infertility coverage by the time we get it back. I am planning to keep this blog up and running during our ttc hiatus, although it will be with super boring stuff, especially since school is over for me right now (wooo hooo teaching credential).

I know this crappy situation will someday be worth it. I believe that. I have to believe that. Someday my husband and I will be parents (and damn good ones at that!).