Ug, I've totally been avoiding writing. I just have nothing interesting to say.
No word on fertility treatments because there is still no word on Husband going back to his old job. I keep going through these crazy mood swings... I'll be super happy for a week or so, and then really depressed and crying for a couple of weeks. I think I've "gotten over" the miscarriage. I obviously won't even forget it, but I am not so sad about that specifically. I'm just sad about infertility. I'm just sad that it's going to be so hard to have babies. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I'm just repeating the other blogs I've written...
Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? At the beginning they are having a surprise party and Adam Sandler's character walks in and they all yell "SURPRISE", and then they realize it's not the right person and someone tells him "we wasted the good surprise on you"... that's how I feel. I don't feel that way specifically toward the baby I lost, but just the fact that we wasted the happiness and the surprising our families and everything on something that didn't work out. I know it won't be the same next time I tell Pat. He won't feel the same. I won't feel the same. It won't be the same when we tell our families. I was foolish to let myself get so excited, and I wish I could take that back.
I've got this week and next week off work. I don't know if that is good for me or bad. On one hand I can relax and do stuff around the house. On the other hand... I'll probably just relax and actually do nothing around the house.
I made it through Christmas, and only cried when Pat and I opened cards to each other, which is much better than I thought I would do. We got some good presents, and had a good time with family. I felt really sad a couple of times, but managed to push it back, and not let the emotions get to me. We are going to keep New Years really low key, last year on New Years was my first big break down about ttc. It had been like 9 months of trying, and we knew there was going to be a pregnancy announcement from some friends... and I was fed up. I still am. I decided that going out was probably a bad idea.
More than likely we'll be sitting around, playing the Wii we got :D
It's sooo much fun, and has been great bonding time for Pat and I. We've totally ended up laughing and flirting and just having fun for hours playing the games we have.
I have a lot of personal goals and/or resolutions that I am trying to get in order, and will hopefully get around to posting. In general they involve eating less, working out more, being less bitter about life, and getting my home more organized...we'll see how those go, lol.
Happy New Years to all!
