What's a Life Without Dedication?

HEY GUESS WHAT?
It's National Infertility Awareness Week...are you aware? You are here, you should be. If you'd like to become more aware, I'd suggest visiting my new fav fertility (or lack there of) site:

Fertility Authority!
www.fertilityauthority.com

They are great, and are the authority! You wouldn't argue baseball with Sports Authority right? I thought not. If something says it's the authority, just believe it, unless it's someone who says they are the $10 IVF Authority...don't trust that one.

I am probably getting way too obsessed with all of this, not like I wasn't before, but now I just feel like there is a world of information out there... and I want to learn all of it! I want to be able to "be my own advocate". All of the books suggest that we need to know all that we can, so that we don't get taken advantage of, and more importantly so that we understand all that the docs will be doing to our bodies. I just need the info!

Speaking of info, look what I got!!





How can getting books in the mail be the best and worst part of my day? Actually how can anything be the best and worst part of my day? I've been feeling this emotion quite a lot lately actually. I guess it's part of the roller coaster...

Speaking of which... we are still WAITING...oh my gosh, it's never ending. I should have known it would be bad when the Urologist said "about a week" for the results. ABOUT A WEEK!! What does that mean?? Don't they know how important this is?? I want a specific time and date, not an "oh I was too busy and didn't get around to calling" which in my mind is an exact translation of "about a week"... If they don't call by Friday I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind.

So, let me stay on this current trail of thought, which is complaining. I have had such trouble sleeping in the last few weeks. Actually I have always had some trouble sleeping, and last year was considering getting a prescrip...why didn't I get one?? Come on, all you TTCers know why...

Why would I get a prescrip if I was going to be pregnant!?!?! right?? Ug, I now know I just can't use that as an excuse. It's like "I can't buy these clothes because I'm planning on losing weight"... it's just nonsensical.

On the upside of things, my student teaching is going great...while I have tended to, on this blog, be a one subject type of girl, I just wanted to say that right now I am loving teaching fifth grade! I never ever thought I would want to be around fifth graders all the livelong day, but golly, they are just great. Makes me fear my old class of first graders!!

Another upside, my super duper cute nephew came over earlier in the afternoon. I may be bias but he's pretty much the best.



You want to snuggle him don't you? Yea, you do, just admit it. We made rice krispie treats, he decorated them to the EXTREME! We also played hellsa High Ho Cherry-O, and read a bunch of Clifford books. It was a fabulous afternoon. The Husband and him also bonded over some Rock Band, ahhh teaching a new generation to waste their days away, I love it.

Ug... there is always so much I want to say on here, and I forgot it throughout the day... I should really start writing down all my witty fertility jokes...

Later Days <3

(10 points, and a gold star, if you can tell me what cartoon that's from... Mrs.Webb *hehehe* is excluded from this competition, maybe Numero Uno as well...)

Show and Tell, Show and Tell, SHOW AND TELL!

Ya, that's right, Show and Tell...for me...not for my students, for me!

I'm taking part in






So, here is what I picked, it might not seem like much, but I will explain how it defines me :D









Here is the story... I got this bag on my honeymoon, which was in Disneyworld, but was not in 1971 as the bag states :D
That actually is three parts of the story.
1) Great memory of my honeymoon
2) A great canvas tote (more on this later)
3) A great reminder of my ability to spend tons of money on all things Disney, especially marketing ploys "buy $30 of stuff and get this bag for $10" SURE!!

I loved my honeymoon, it was so fabulous just to be alone with Husband for 10 days, far away from California, far away from family. That's probably horrible to say, but it's nice to get away sometimes. I feel like the next line I wanted to write should be written this way.... "twas a simpler time of life".... ya, I realize it was less than a year ago, but in my TTCing mind that's forever! I bought my copy of What to Expect while on our honeymoon... it was the month I was sure I'd get pregnant, the month we officially started trying, even though we'd been kinda trying for three months before that. I want to go back to that time, kinda...mostly if only to reclaim my sex life (sorry, TMI, but that's the way TTCing goes). okay, onward!
Canvas totes... I know I love 'em! As a teacher I think I pretty much have to. This particular canvas tote is the one I carry everday, as I make my way to the indentured servitude that is student teaching, knowing that one day I will teach masses of youngins all the stuff that the state wants me to teach them (bitter? not really, just realistic). This bag represents me as a teacher. My lesson plan, my curriculum books, my cute teachery classes... all in this bag.
I don't think I need to explain too much about how I spend all my money on disney stuff...



btw... I also collect Disney pins (this is about a tenth of the collection). There is no way to justify this collection...

Love you all!!

Ug, I don't even want to write, mostly I just want to throw things...
We don't have any news, Husband had his biopsy Friday, and we'll be waiting "about a week" for the results...lovely.

I'm just having a hard time today. Nothing really set it off, although going to buy clothes and realizing how much weight I've gained since we started ttc didn't really help.

I guess we are just waiting...

I bought some books about IVF the other day off of Amazon, gotta love those used books. We also went to an IVF clinic and got a ton of information, so that was nice. Their statistics pretty much rock, and that was the high point of my friday, although, considering the day consisted of Husband being in pain, I guess it was mostly just the not sucky point of the day.

We really like Husband's Urologist, although we probably won't stay with Kaiser for our IVF cycles, if they ever happen. Yes, I know this post is all over the place, lol, I'm just writing as I think, and since I think all over the place this is the result. We've pretty much come to the realization that we'd be waiting until Dec or Jan for any real move towards IVF. It seems like forever but since Husband is still awaiting a job, I'm still in school, and the grants for IVF take quite a while to go through, I guess that's where we stand. That might be why things aren't so great today, that's a tough realization to come to considering I could have a 3 month old right now if we'd gotten pregnant right away. argggg....

So, again, skipping back to where I was before... the Urologist... Here is a montage of Husband's moods.








Poor Husband right? I really do feel bad for the guy, but not bad enough to let him not do the testing.

Also, we mighhhtttt be looking into a "procedure", and by "procedure" I mean a four hour ball surgery for Husband. It's a vasoepididymastomy, how bout that!? Impressed? It's really a reverse vasectomy, even though DH hasn't had one, lol...mind blown? Mine too. They think the problem is that Husband has some sort of breakage... I'm sure I've explained this. Anyway, we don't know if our insurance is going to cover it, and it only has a 40% chance of working...again, what lovely odds... but we are looking into it. Again, all of this is assuming Husband is producing, which have I said, we don't find our for A WEEK!!! stab me in the eye....

I don't really have anything else to right except that today sucks, and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to go make brownies, which I'm sure will help with the weight gain right? uggg... I better just stop writing...

How Would You Feel About Having Them All At Once?

Oh, gosh... I am the worst at blogging lol...
My plan was to update every time we got a new test result, and alas, I have failed horribly. We have had quite a few tests, but today got a somewhat real type of answer, or at least a narrowing down of options. Soooo here we go...

Husband went in for his blood work and everything was a-okay. I wasn't ever really thinking that was going to be a prob since he started growing a beard at 10. His FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is at a good level, which indicates that his body should be producing sperm. That made us happy. Moving on...

Husband had his ultrasound (his balltrasound) and that went well. He does have cysts on his epididymus which is apparently pretty common, and they don't think that is the reason for the blockage. His testes otherwise looked good (another good sign that he is producing).

Now on to the real fun. We went to see the Urologist today... I can think of no other name for this guy than Dr.Goofy-Guy (I may shorten this to Dr.GG soon, as he may be a fixture in our lives for the next few years). Anyway...we go in and are chatting about the regular questions, the tests we've done and whatnot, and then he asks "how many kids are you guys planning on having?" We answered "oh, 2 or 3, we really aren't sure".....his response, and the point where I knew it wasnt going to be great news.... "how would you like to have them all at once?" ya... suddenly I could only remember 3 letters of the alphabet. I.V.F.... not exactly what we were hoping for.

So, long story short of this appointment, because wowzers I am tired.

The Dr.GG says IVF is our mostly likely option, going off the fact that he thinks Husband is producing. We'll know that for sure after his biopsy on Friday (poor Husband), well, probably on Monday, not directly after.

So, with all that being said, I'm handling things pretty darn well, and so is Husband. We know we'll be parents someday, even if it's not the way we planned it to be, and I guess that's all we really need to know. We've been able to joke about things a bit...ex.
Husband: We need to buy a new truck
Me: We need to buy a baby
That kind of general malarky.
I know we'll be alright, it's just hard, anyone going through this knows how crappy it is to see pregnant women everywhere you go, or to see a pregnant woman smoking, or to hear about a teenage friend or relative who got pregnant "accidentally" (btw... I don't believe in accidental pregnancy...you'll prob here me complain about this more in the future). We're dealing, moving forward and looking at our options, weighing them out, trying to decide what we want and when we want it (What do you want? A BABY! When do you want it? Now!). Things are moving along though...the waits are killer, but friends (extra thanks to #1 and #3, you know who you are, we love you guys) and work help to pass the time.
I'll try and be better about updating, promise :D

While trying to find a picture for this blog I came across this... again, trying to end this on a somewhat funny note...this picture weirded me out.
Does this mean that Husband wants to be a naked pregnant woman??? Not sure... you be the judge...

Things I'm Realizing...

Okay, so I have been doing an incredible amount of soul searching, and an incredible amount of blog reading over the last week, and I am starting to realize some things.

1. Why are half the infertility blogs I read about teachers? I feel like almost every "about me" section I have read mentions "teacher" as an occupation, and many of them talk about Spring Break over the past couple of weeks. Is this some sort of sick joke that all of us teachers are being subjected to?!?! HAHA be around kids ALL DAY but too bad you can't have your OWN!

2. There is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy, and reading blogs that I can relate to is helping me with this issue in a huge way.

3. I have reached that point. The point where I will sacrifice almost anything to have a child. I know we can't afford much (I'd like to thank the economy for Husband being out of a job since before Thanksgiving), but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. If we can't buy a house for 10 years (we'll keep renting from my mom) , if I can't start my masters program (there's not jobs anyway), if we can't have the best of whatever we want (we need to save and budget more anyway) that's absolutely fine! If it'll give Husband and I the chance to be parent's then we'll do it.

4. I've started to believe in weird "signs". I was actually going to write a separate post about this,but just didn't. The biggest one was connecting with a friend from high school I haven't talked to in, gosh, we'll say 3 years, approximately, the night before Husband's SA. We got to talking about stuff and she explained that she too had been going through infertility treatments, and that they were dealing with the dreaded "Male Factor". The next day when we found out about Husband big ole zero I sent her a message, and got a great empathetic, informative email back. Weird that it would happen like that. The other things are smaller somewhat but still interesting. One of my "besties" is here on the Earth, and thus here in my life because of sperm donation (and a fab mom who rocks my world). My grandma was adopted, and always used to tell me what an amazing experience it was and how loved she felt. I drive the same road almost everyday and the day I was finally able to pull myself out of bed and go to the gym there is a new billboard up.... California IVF! I know, these all seem like not that big of a deal, but to me, well... I don't know, I'll just drop this topic.

5. I HATE telling family members about stuff, and I hate getting stupid ttc advice... I'll stop there on that one.

6. I LOVE being able to talk to my friends about way gross body stuff they don't want to hear about, and still know that they are listening and that they care.

7. Go with me here, it's a bit of sad humor... Husband and I will probably never have to use birth control again... how bout that...silver lining? yea... it's there

8. I love my husband. This past week has been incredibly rough for both of us, but we've had some great heart to hearts, and really gotten a lot of feelings and a lot of love out in the open. In a way it's been a relief to get all the pent up frustrations out, now that we aren't just reaching around in the dark for answers.

9. Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seat, pull down firmly on the restraints, and hold on for dear life... the fertility treatment roller coaster is about to depart!

Of SA's, AF's, CDs and Balltrasounds

Alright, I'm back!

After a week of feeling like total death, and not wanting to get out of bed, I have decided that I need to just stay positive about all this sh*t that is currently happening.

The Husband went in for his follow-up SA today. The results were supposed to take two weeks (in a normal situation) to get back, but as we suspected there was nothing in the semen to analyze, and thus we got the results this afternoon.

Our actual RE called us, we were out, and when we came home and I heard the message I knew it obviously wasn't going to be great news. We called back, he was with a patient, and the receptionist said he'd call back, he didn't call back in an hour... we called again, lol. And he was available!
As the phone rang Husband looked at me and said "no matter what they say, things will work out, we're in this together"... I felt instantly better about everything.

Dr. DBD (this is what I will call him, it stands for "Don't Be Discouraged", which is something he said to us about 10 times in our 4 minutes conversation) confirmed that indeed Husbands's sperm count is zero... "not a single sperm" he told us in his thick Indian accent. He is sending Husband to an Urologist who specializes in Male Factor Infertility. Before he goes in for this (the 20th...yay waiting) he is going to have blood work done, to check his hormone levels, and a testicular ultrasound (henceforth to be referred to as a balltrasound haha). Then he'll see this specialist who will most likely do a lot of poking and proding...this is Husbands payback for saying he wouldn't have to do anything uncomfy...HA!

In Tori news... My period (to be referred to as AF...short for Aunt Flow...sorry, I have realized I talk in ttc code a lot of the time, and not everyone who reads this is ttc-ing) is just about here, and never have I been so ready for her to just show herself! Once I am on CD1 I can get ready for my bloodwork on CD3... Husband and I are going in for our respective bloodworks together...how's that for "cute infertile" huh? His and Her's bloodwork. Our new joke about everything inferility is for Husband to say "we are in this together" and me to answer "present a united front!"... okay... it's not really a joke... we just say it to make ourselves feel better lol.
I'm trying to think if anything else is happening with me...no...lol.

Well, okay... non ttc related (aka most of you will probably stop reading now)
I have to have a sigmoidoscopy on Friday. This is like a small colonoscopy, and is mostly for the 50+ category of people, and apparently also me...lucky. Luckily my doc prescribed me some meds for this experience, because as a friend's husband so eloquently put it "the emotional ramification of a butt-pedo are irreversable". Anywhooo, this means that starting tomorrow morning and until 4pm on Friday I will be loading myself full of laxitives and clear liquid (TMI, and I dont care! suffer with me!). Also, all this fun sickness and ttc stress has given me a huge cold sore! (I am woman, hear me bitch!)

And, further out of ttc and body stuff.... Husband may be getting a new job, we are in the early application part of this, but keep us in your thoughts/prayers/journals/blogs/hearts (hehe), because if we are going to need IVF we need some serious steady money!!

Let's end with a laugh!

It's A Guy Thing.

So...it has taken me 4 days (holy wowzers, has it only been 4 days) to get up the nerve to write about this, because that makes it seems a little more real, and real is something I'm currently against.
Now, I'll warn you that not all is known...so mostly this is a lot of overreaction on my part (kind of), so just bare with me.

So, the Husband went in for his Semen Analysis (SA) which I didn't even mention (except for the cup) in the last entries. I thought that of everything we did this would be the most insignificant and painless part of testing...

Prepare to be blind-sided...

As I sat here at my computer waiting for my Strep Test results Tuesday night, talking to K, and exhausting the web I got a familiar little ding that lets me know I have email. Thinking it's my strep results I click on it.
It was Husband's SA results... I perused them thinking I wont even have to worry about this...at the top there was the "collection" time, the read time, blah blah...then a lot of them are saying "NA" or "See Report", whatever... I dont know about this stuff....and then, the stomach punch.

Sperm Count: 0

ZERO?!?! This can't be right I thought... I looked at it again and again.... I spend a lot of my days teaching children how to correctly form their numbers, and let me just say that this was the most horrible zero I had ever seen in my life.

I started to get hot, and nauseous, I kept looking at it, I knew it was right, but I kept thinking that maybe they just left a number off of the front, and a five or six zeros off the end, HOW COULD IT JUST BE ZERO? I mean, there is stuff there!! I've seen it (TMI) I know something happens!

So, I freaked out, and cried, and eventually after hiding myself away in the office for about an hour told Husband, he too, freaked out in a man way. We talked things over, and decided we shouldn't get too worked up until the next day.

Soooo... Wednesday morning we called and got the confirmation. We were not pleased, to say the least. It just seemed so inconceivable that we would have to deal with this! Male Factor Infertility!?!? This thought had crossed my mind, but not in a legitimate way. I was just so sure it was me! Me with all the spotting, and the crazy cycle symptoms! ME! Not Husband, he shouldnt have to deal with this...neither should I, but I don't want it to be him :(

Now, after I let this sink in for a bit, I got into my normal mode...RESEARCH! I was looking up everything, EVERYTHING! And from what I have learned over the past couple of days there are options, and hope...quite a bit of both actually :D

We are thinking that our most likely option is going to be Interuteran Insemination (IUI), which is covered by my insurance luckily, and possibly In Vitro (IVF) which is not covered! Side note...I have been doing all kinds of bragging about my insurance and how it's super good, and what kind of cruel irony would have me have to get like the one treatment that isn't covered!?!?! argggg!!! okay...calm down, count to ten....alright, better. There is a slight chance that he might not be producing at all but I am ignorning that since it's not a very likely thing. He goes back in to give another "specimen" on Wednesday morning, and those test results take TWO WEEKS! How many two week waits (tww) do I need in my life? Apparently at least one additional one...
They will hopefully be able to figure out more details about the issue then.

So. Here I am...Here we are. Husband and I, infertile (although the receptionist at the RE clinic told Husband we were "the cutest couple ever"), so I guess we are "cute" and infertile...just what we always wanted to be right?


In my research I have come across an amazing book that I highly recommend to all those going through anything vaguely similar to me.
Here it is, The Infertility Survial Handbook : Everything You Never Thought You'd Need to Know (understatement of a lifetime!)




I know this is so much more I wanted to say in this blog, but it's late, and I'm tired, and since I have seriously fallen off the diet wagon this past week (I eat my feelings) I am going to attempt to get up and get back to the gym tomorrow, and back on my diet Monday...wish me luck!

OH! And to my friends out there who have listened to me cry and complain over the past week (and past 13 months!!!) Thank you so much... I love you guys so much, and you are the reason I am still sane. Love you! <3