Friday, July 24, 2009

I Am Promising Myself That I Will Update This Later....

I'm sitting, I'm waiting, I'm worrying...

I'm not even at the RE's office yet, and I'm already feeling anxious.

We won't be doing any cycles until at least November, and I'm already panicked.

I know the Hubs is capable of handling the decision we are making about family building, and yet I'm terrified of what our lives will be in a year.

I can't stop myself from being overwhelmingly emotional about the road that lies ahead.

I am on CD3 today (what great timing!! A RE appt on CD3!! what are the chances?). What does being on CD3 even mean to me anymore? We aren't TTC, right? We won't be doing any DI cycles until the end of the year, but I can't stop counting my cycle days. I can't stop stressing every month about having an "regular" cycle.

Last night I went to dinner with a teacher friend I hadn't seen since early June, when we had still been on the road to adoption. I didn't bring up fertility stuff... I know I do it too much, I'm trying not to force my IF issues on people. Read my post about my self-diagnosed SAD (Social Acceptability Disorder... wow... SAD... what a horrible made-up-disease acronym). Anyway, she brought it up, asked if we had picked an agency and whatnot. I told her about the new "plan", or plan of a plan. The first thing she said, "wow...will your husband be able to handle that?", my response "it was his decision" (Sidenote: it was really OUR decision, but I have told him numerous times that I am fine with whatever family building option we choose, as long as it included a family). Her next concern, "do you think he's just worried you'll resent him if he doesn't let you be pregnant"... HOLY HONEST OPINIONS!! Did I mention I'm on CD3!?!?! I can't take heavy emotional topics like this!! My Hubs and I are totally open about our feelings, and I do not think that at this point he feels that way. I think he wants to be a dad... more than anything. I think he is incredibly selfless and strong for giving me, giving us, the chance to use DI. I will admit that it terrifies me that he'll pull away later on... but he can't, or doesn't want to, think about that being an option... Wow...this is not where this blog started out at... lol, but I do tend to ramble.

Anwhooo, I digress...

Back to our RE appointment.

I have so many questions!! So many! I promised myself that I'd write them down, and I didn't. Now I'm mentally going over them. Thinking about writing them down on the way to the appointment, which is in 40 minutes!!

I want to know everything... I want to know everything will be okay.

I want to know that my Hubby and I will leave the hospital with a healthy child within the next year and a half or two... is that to much to ask? I know it is...

I am hoping I doing cry when I am there... My emotions have been on edge all day (all week really). I cried when my car didn't pass it's smog test, I almost cried when the pool maintenance man got on my case at work today. I'm thinking that I'll make a fool of myself at the docs. My guess is that it'll be when we discuss money... ug, money!

Okay, as the title says, I will update this after the appointment, and the bloodwork... oh, gotta love bloodwork...

Bye Lovelies!


  1. Sweet friend, I am praying for you. Praying that God calms your heart & your anxious mind. Praying that you get a load of answers to all your questions. Praying they have nothing but great news for you. Praying that all your bloodwork comes back perfect. Praying that this time with knit yours & Pat's hearts closer than ever before. Praying that you get the family you have dreamed of. Love you, sweet girl!

  2. I know, and you know it too, that Pat would never do anything he wasn't sure about. Do not let peoples curious questions dampen your trust in the decision you BOTH have made. I've watched your relationship from the first day he walked into our house with that big goofy grin and wouldn't stop talking about "this girl"... he loves you.. and together you guys are an admirably strong team. You're decision won't be understood by everyone, but it's YOUR decision. You are both in my daily prayers, and as always, I believe in you both and know you'll grow stronger TOGETHER thru this process! Love you!!!


My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE ----- I stole this from C :D

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