Saturday, July 4, 2009

Home for the Holidays

Let me just be real clear about my overall message of this post...

Holidays SUCK for all IFs! Ya, I said it... and I mean it... lol

I don't care if it's Christmas, or 4th of July (a Happy one to you, Reader), or freakin' Arbor Day... it sucks. Being around any group of people on these holidays sucks even more. I'm about to go to a BBQ full of people who know we've been trying for a year and a half or so now. I'm very self conscious about this. Now, I know I'm not the center of all these people's thoughts, but people know that extreme want for a baby that Hubby and I have had, and I know some of these people are going to be thinking "well, it's been an awful long time since they first started"... I am sooo hoping we don't get asked how it's going, because it seems that, on this topic especially, well... I just say the most tactless things. My general answer is to laugh and say "ohhhh ya know, turns out we cant actually have our own kids" and hope that they caught the gigantic "STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS" undertone.

I know that thinking is flawed, flawed because we put our business out there. We enthusiastically proclaimed to the masses that we wanted a baby, STAT, at the beginning of last year. Our closest peeps even knew that we started trying before our marriage. We didn't care, we wanted a freakin head start!

Something else that I am hoping to avoid at this BBQ. The fact that Hubby and I have also arrived at a whole new and strange point in our IF journey with the people who do know our situation. It's an awkward place... A place where friends don't want to tell us they are pregnant. They don't know how to approach the subject, and that makes me feel so sad. I've found out twice about people being pg randomly through others, who just assumed that out of anyone, Hubby and I would already know. We didn't...we don't... people think we'll freak out, that we'll be mad, or won't be happy for them.

Every IFer knows that pain in their heart when they hear someone else is pg... but it's not because we are mad at them, we are just sad for us. We are the queens (and kings) of the 10 minute pity party, the "I need a good cry" before we call this person to congratulate them. I'm realizing that while I hate being kept out of the loop, I also think it's okay for me to have this reaction, as long as I keep a happiness for them (and hope for myself) in my heart. It's okay to cry, and even "freak out" a bit...although probably not in front of that person. Hurt is okay, anger is okay, as long as it is something that can be moved past.

I think I've been doing a better job at controlling my IF emotions since I've been going back to church (non churchy people don't leave now, I wont get preachy). I think that in MY case, this has helped, which is great... I think that exploring what is out there to help has been a great step for me. I've been trying to pray before I go into a situation that might be hard for me (suspected pg announcements, lots of baby, that kind of situation) and it really seems to be helping me keep my nerves under control.

I guess I'll end with what has become my new daily mantra. It's not one that's easy to hold on to, because it does take so much faith, but it is something I'm chasing after, something I'm hoping will help me cope in the months and years ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Love All of You! Happy 4th... don't set fireworks off too close to any vital parts...we don't need to complicate things more! We all need all that we can at this point!


  1. Aww Tor, I'm so sorry. I know that awkward place you are in. I know we have different TTC stories, but we both the pain & heartache that goes into losing something that you thought was yours for the taking. At least we have each other to talk to when we need to be really sad for ourselves. Love ya girl!

  2. Thank you for this post...We sort of avoided the big BBQ get-togethers this 4th...Not for "that" specific reason, but all the families seem like a constant reminder of what we do not have...Its hard to explain, but IF-ers get it.


My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE ----- I stole this from C :D

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