A Nice Punch in The Face...

to end the year.

My period started early... It's been late for the last three months, but this time it was early.
Because it's early and the RE's office is closed today-Mon, and because we'll be out of town Monday... We'll be canceling this cycle I guess. Even if we were here on Monday, we'd still be outside the CD 1-3 testing area.
I just really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up for this cycle. I knew better than that. 2010 was the year of NO TREATMENT. I guess I shouldn't have expected that AF starting on the last day of 2010 would be anything but bad.
I put in a desperate voicemail and email to my doc to see if anything could be done on CD5 of a cycle, but I pretty much doubt it.

Right now I am beyond sad, and pretty pissed... but I guess I need to buck up, and get ready for our weekend get away...which happens to be to the Happiest Place on Earth, haha...That is some kind of sick joke I think.

I can't believe that it's been a year since my last resolutions post. I'll do another one when we return for our trip. I'm just trying to hope that 2011 is a whole lot better than 2010.

Back in the Saddle

And by saddle, I mean stirrups.

I went in for my saline sonogram today, and as suspected it was all clear... yay me. I'm not really mad that I had to redo it... Lord knows I'd hate to get started and then find out something was wrong, but wow... I hate that procedure. I had it done last year, and yup... still uncomfy. I CAN NOT relax while I'm on the table, I shake from straining my muscles, and by time I leave I'm sore, even if the whole ordeal wasn't painful. It's ridiculous.

I had to get a blood test done (redone) that the RE forgot about last time. Forgetting stuff is pretty common for him...

BUT, I did find out that I'll be cycling with the NP there, who I love :) We were supposed to meet today to go over our plan, but she wasn't able to. I was fine with that since the only real discussion will be about the meds. She sent me an email about everything though, which I thought was nice of her since we couldn't meet.

Overall, I am really happy to be back at Kaiser and getting ready to cycle. I'm comfy with them, and they've gotten me pregnant before. The Husband is comfy with them, which is really important to me too.

In other news....
*I am done with the first semester of my Masters program!! Woo Hoo!! Even though it's a bit of a soul sucker, I'm reallllly glad I am doing it.

*This is my last week working full time with my AMAZING sixth grade class. Even though there are a lot of them, and they sure are full o' hormones, I love those kids, and will miss not seeing them every day. After winter break I'll be in there w-f each week. Bittersweet. We'll see how it goes.

*I have been reading a ton lately, and need to update my reading goals. I read the Hunger Games trilogy...it was AWESOME! I highly suggest it. Now I am reading The White Queen by Phillipa Gregory, it's also really good. It's for book club... the bood club where I've only managed to get through one book on time, haha. Mostly it's just a time-to-hang-out-with-good-friends club, which is fine by me.

*Also, not real thrilled about the holidays... everyone dealing with IF knows why. I'm trying, and I am SUPER excited about getting a Kindle... hopefully. But, I'm not really in the spirit, and the Christmas cards of friends with babies are pouring in.

All my IFers... I love you guys. Be strong this holiday season. Our time will come :)

Obviously...

I should have known that I would not waltz into my RE's office and expect them to say "sure, as soon as AF shows, we'll start your cycle!" Why did I even think that was possible, lol... because it's NOT.

So, here's the deal.
One, I have to get some tests repeated because it's been over a year since treatment. This includes a whole heck of a lot of blood work, and a saline sonogram (joy). I'll do the bloodwork on CD3, and the sono around CD10. So, no cycle this month :(
Two, my doctor doesn't want me to use Bravelle as my main medication because I have such a high risk of multiples. This is a really tough pill to swallow. If the last cycle we did (in Oct 2009) hadn't been successful, it'd be different, but it was. And it was successful using Bravelle, which makes the thought of NOT using it mildly terrifying, like we are destined to fail if we use anything else. The doc said he'd leave it up to me, and I still could use only Bravelle, but he's more comfy with me using Femara, with a possible Bravelle booster. SO frustrating, especially since an amazing lady from my IF support group offered me some Bravelle free of charge. Unless I either come to my senses, or get told I have no choice... well, you pretty much see where this is going.
Finally, the doc is confident that we'll be able to start cycling in Jan, but of course had to add the "no guarantees" in there.... Thanks for that.

So, unfortunately I won't be cycling during Christmas, which is what I really wanted. Boo! But, what can you do. We are getting closer at least... closer than when we had no insurance, no money and no hope.

Now I just have to pray that all my repeat bloodwork and my saline sono comes back good. Nothing like more stress, eh?

Another Step Forward!

I have an appointment on Wednesday!! It's a "re-consult", but may also end up being my beginning of cycle appointment, since AF is due to arrive any day now. I am hoping hoping hoping that as of Wednesday-ish we will be officially cycling again!!! We'll see how the week pans out :)

Is That Opportunity I Hear Knocking?

Wow. I am the ABSOLUTE worst at blogging. If I ever manage to have a baby in the future, just assume the blog is done, because I'm already proving I can't maintain it, lol.


Good news is actually abundant right now, although every day I'm afraid it'll get somehow jinxed and we'll be back to the land of crapola haha.

First and foremost, I think we may starting treatment THIS MONTH!! WHAT??? Yea, I said it, THIS. MONTH. I'm at about CD8 right now, and man, I cannot wait until AF shows. Hopefully all goes well, and we'll be cycling very soon :)

Other super good news, the Husband is working, and happy!! Both of those are amazing because it's been a long time since he was either of those. We are both a little wary of the holidays, especially since my stepsister is expecting her baby here within the month. BUT again, hopefully once we are cycling, it'll be a little easier to handle.

Other work related... I think I'll actually have a job for the rest of the year, wooo hoo!! The teacher I am currently working for (while she's on maternity leave, obviously) only wants to come back 40%, so that'd leave me teaching the other 60% in the class, which is amazing. I would be pretty darn devastated to leave my group of kiddos at this point.

As far as my new years goals... I'm meeting many of them, I think.

-I've lost about 25 pounds in the last year and a half
-I haven't read 25 books, because I keep reading the SAME ones over and over lol.
-I don't know how domestic I've become... I've done some fancy cooking, and a bunch of gardening, but not very much crocheting (I want to get back to that)
-I am almost done with my first semester of my MASTERS which is really exciting, although I wish I could put a bit more into it.

I can't say that that much else is going on. It's busy, but in a good way. I CAN NOT WAIT to start treatments!! Wish me luck!! I'll write more about our plan and our donor when I actually figure that part out, haha.


OH!! A big CONGRATS to Kate over at Steady as it Comes, who welcomed her BEAUTIFUL baby boy, Griffin, into the world this past week! FINALLY!!!!

Slacking... But What Else is New.

I know, again and again I say that I am the worst blogger, but I never change. And in reality, I guess the WORST blogger would create a blog and then never write at all, so maybe I'm just sort of the bad, haha.

Not too much is new on the baby front. We are hopefully going to start cycling next month, but it's not for sure... because....

I GOT A TEACHING JOB!!! That's right! It might only be a half year job, but it MIGHT go longer. Either way, it's a consistent job teaching sixth grade (the grade I was scared to teach). Now, granted I've only had 3 days with these kiddos, and it's probably still our "honeymoon period" but so far, so good! I am loving it. I like the dynamic of a sixth grade room, and I LOVE the curriculum! This will be the week we really start getting into the real work and I am psyched!

Also on the academic front, I am starting a masters program. That, I believe, was one of my goals for the year, and if all goes well I should be admitted and starting the real work in the next couple of weeks. I am really excited to get this started, and excited to have a classroom to work in, rather than having to volunteer.

That's just about it for me right now. I'm still wanting to start treatment next month... the only thing that would stop us is if I feel too stressed from teaching, but I'm hoping I can use the next couple of weeks to decide on that. The possibility of treatment gives me so much hope, and having a steady job gives me even more. I am so excited about stuff right now, it's a great feeling.

I see good things in the near future!

I Have A Hard Time Waiting.

I admit it. I knew about 20 seconds after we got the call about the grant that we would be back into treatment as soon as possible. Even though the grant doesn't cover everything... even though we should probably wait a bit longer... even though... oh forget it, I'm out of reasons, and tired of waiting!!
We aren't going to start cycling this month, or even next, but maybe within the next three months! AHHHHH!!!! WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS! Holy cow! I called and made an appointment at the clinic we'll be using now, since we aren't bound by insurance (lucky us... no insurance, lol). We started a new donor search and have even narrowed it down to a few key players with names like The Viking and Roller Gang (lol, naming our donors is our favorite part).
My husband has been in a better mood since he found out about the grant, and the possible start of treatment, although we are both really scared about starting again. I don't think we'll be truly happy until there is a little bundle of joy in our arms. That saddens me a little. I wish we were still blissfully naive about baby making. But, at the same time, I know this whole experience will make us stronger, better parents. And that eventually we'll achieve our goal of bringing home a beautiful little tot... or two, lol.

Of All The Days.

Today is the day I've been dreading. The day that the little computer web site calculator thinger told me I'd be having my baby. Now, I know that it is called an ESTIMATED due date, but still... I've been wishing the world would just skip this day for the last 8 months. Yesterday I was a wreck. It was one of those sudden crash and burn situations. I felt happy and energized all day, and then around 3 I just lost it. I'm not sure if it was getting off work and having time to think... or my Hubby posting "who wants to be born in July anyway" on his FB that set me off... but whatever it was, it was bad. Luckily my husband sat with me, and hugged me and let me being a ridiculous mess of crying, and then took me to dinner. I fell asleep when it was still light outside.

This morning I woke up at 5... decided I didn't have the energy or motivation to go to my normal Friday swim workout and when back to sleep. The phone rang at 6:30. Weird. Our ringer was off, but we both woke up when the answering machine clicked on...

Cue crazy coincidence...

The machine picked up, and it was a board member representing a grant we had applied for months ago. We hadn't heard from them, and naturally just assumed that they had received more needing applicants.

Well, apparently our story really touched them because they are offering us $3000 towards treatment. I cried on the phone. I said thank you 100 times. I told the man who called that today was my edd (estimated due date), he said it was divine providence, and I agree. I cried when I got off the phone. I jumped up an down.

In the fertility treatment world $3000 isn't a fortune, but in our fertility treatment world, it's the jack pot. It's hope. It changed a day we've been dreading to a day full of possibilities.

Jumping back into fertility treatments seems terrifying and exciting all at once. I called a fertility clinic for pricing, and while their prices are high, they actually aren't as high as I thought they'd be. I feel like I can almost plan again. I've been paying off my credit card, which was full of our past cycle debt, and once we get everything confirmed through the grant we may start doing some more serious planning.

This day still hasn't been the greatest. There are lots of feelings. Mostly of guilt and failure, but at least now I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's dull. Mostly today I am just thankful. Thankful for this grant and for organizations that give couples like Pat and I a chance. Thankful for my amazing friends that wrote beautiful, thoughtful, AMAZING recommendations letters for us. And thankful for hope. Thankful that I'm letting myself not be totally destroyed by this day. Just thankful.




Side note: I'll write more specifics about the actual grant and the organization once they make their official announcement of recipients.

Updating My Goals, and Sneaking Back into the Blogosphere

I know... I've been MIA. I am not great with blog updates. Mostly because I simply have nothing to say. Things have been pretty darn depressing around here, but I'm expecting that any minute they'll get better, lol. I've been expecting this for the last couple of years... so it's got to happen soon, right?

I decided that at the very least I should update some of my goals, since I am still working on most of them :D

1. Lose 25 pounds: I'm glad I'm starting with this one, because I have been kicking butt on this goal. In the last weekish, while AF has been here, things have been up and down, but the week before that I had a couple incredible weigh-ins, and I'm sticking to those. 23 pounds down since last year at this time!! Woo hoo!! In honor of that good news, I'm putting my weight loss ticker back up on my blog, just to make myself feel good. haha.

2. Read 25 books: I'm kind of sucking at this, but I'm planning on getting back on track, especially since it's summer, and my job isn't going to involve a lot of planning. I think I've read about 10. I need to get back to Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (sent to me by the fabulous Melissa over at Banking On It). I know it's going to be really good, but I need to get back to actually reading it... which might mean dealing with my issues... ahhh!

3. Take my GREs and apply for a Masters program: nopedy nope nope

4. Get and stay pregnant: no, you have not missed that post... no treatments in site.

5. Get myself back to church: no... I haven't had the drive I know I should to get back there. I finished up that bible study, but haven't gotten back into another :(

(this goal update is actually making me more depressed lol)

6. Infertility Awareness: I haven't made the huge advances I'd like to, but I'm definitely out there talking about it, making people aware of the issues, so that's a plus.

7. Start my book: no, not yet, but I am taking the advice from the other Melissa over at Stirrup Queens, who is doing a little blog series about being published :D

NEW ONE

8. Become a little more domestic (haha): Okay, so I am now the proud owner of an amazing garden. I planted it a couple months ago, and it is just amazing!! I will post pictures soonish. Also, along with the occasional crochet order, I JUST (JUSSSTTT) fished my mom's sewing machine out of our garage (apparently it was living in our garage with a bunch of her other stuff, who knew) and I am excited to make an apron, or a quilt, or some other crafty crap. I swear, not being able to fulfill my goal of motherhood has made me want to do hells of other woman stuff. It's disturbing.

Well, I actually have a couple other things I think I want to write about, but I don't want this post to be insanely long and (more) boring, so I'll stop here for now. Thanks to those of you who are still reading!!

Byeee Lovelies :D

Still

Still here. Still infertile. Still no treatment plan in sight.

Still nothing new to write about. Still no motivation to think of anything to write about.

Still waiting for that to change.

Ohhh Sneaky Infertility

Why do I assume things won't bother me? Even though I know they are bugging all my other IF friends? Today is a perfect example. All week I told myself that Mother's Day was not going to get me down... why would it? It's not a holiday I put much thought into normally. It's not like I count down the days until it's here. It's not Christmas. I've been working in a kindergarten room the last couple of weeks, and even doing the Mother's Day stuff in there didn't impact me at all. I thought I was totally safe.

Then I woke up this morning and logged into FB. Cue the breakdown. I think what really get's me is just being reminded that my entire group of close friends are now moms. Sometimes more than once. Most of them all in the time we've been trying. It's not so much being left out of the club, it's more just not having a place to belong at all. Feeling so stagnant in my own life, that it seems like I'll never move forward.

The stagnant feeling unfortunately extends way past infertility in my life... but I guess that's another story.

Luckily I think I'll be able to avoid most people today, since I have some work to do at the school I'm working at. I called my own mom, and sent a couple texts, but I'm not doing a status update about a day that doesn't apply to me, and I'm not sending out any kind of mass text to everyone. If the Hubs wants to do it, that's fine. But for me, my goal for today is just get out alive, and start a new week tomorrow.

Hope everyone else out there is getting through the day alright. I cannot wait for my RESOLVE group tomorrow!!

I Survived

A couple nights ago the Hubs and I climbed into bed semi early-ish to just lay and talk. About 10 minutes after we laid down, I got the call I've been watching and waiting for. The call that my best friend was going into labor. My best friend who, along with her husband, has been with me every step of the way through my infertility journey. They are more than friends, they are family and yet I have been simultaneously dreading and hoping for this pretty much since the day we found out she was pregnant.
I pretty much immediately went into survival mode, mostly because I was the designated night time babysitter of her toddler and had to get my stuff packed for the next day and scoot my booty over to their house (I seriously should have packed a "ready to go to the hospital" bag for myself... or, I guess, a "ready to babysit while your friend goes to the hospital" bag). Their toddler, hereafter to be known as The Tot, was already asleep so I pretty much did the same. The next morning while I was getting ready for work I got a text that the baby should be born within the hour... I cried. A couple hours later I got a text picture of a fabulously healthy, beautiful new baby. I cried. I went home at lunch. I cried. After a couple more moments throughout the day, I pulled myself together and Hubby and I headed to the hospital to meet the newest member of our second family. The entire way there I told myself it was okay to cry, they'd understand. We got there and I looked at that brand new tiny little dude and... I didn't cry. I DIDN'T CRY! That was pretty much the shock of a lifetime. All I wanted to do was hold him, and I did, and it was fabulous. The only time I almost cried was when Pat held him, but that always makes me a little teary eyed anyway... it's just so darn cute to see.
I hate the conflicted feelings that come with infertility. How can I simultaneously be so happy, and so sad at the same time? So excited and yet so angry? It defies nature. I am still having the ups and downs that come with a new baby that isn't mine, especially since I had that small glimpse of being pregnant at the same time my friend was, and knowing that I should be due in 10 weeks, but am not. I know there will be more ups and downs, there always is. But really I'm chalking this one up as a win, since I can actually be around the little dude and not totally break down.


If I knew I wouldn't get the virtual stab from everyone out there, I'd post a picture of the little cutie patootie that, like his older brother, has totally stolen my heart. I can't wait to hold him lots more! Good thing his mommy is sympathetic to my craziness. For now I have one more day to hang out with The Tot before his little brother comes home to ruin his life, lol.

Advocacy - Again.

For some reason this seems to be the part of my resolutions that I have been keeping up on. I've got two new projects that I am going to work on.

The first one I found out about through one of the best fertility blogs out there, Stirrup Queens.
Project IF, which is an ongoing advocacy project run through RESOLVE, strives to get bloggers to unite and get talking about infertility and the challenges that we infertiles go through to build our families.
IF you'd like to participate, head on over to Stirrup Queens, read up on the full project and leave your "What IF".
The second part of the project will be announced later on this month, on both the RESOLVE and Stirrup Queen's websites.

The second advocacy project I'm going to work on is having a sock drive. That's right, you heard me, a sock drive. If you have been in the IF community for long, you've probably heard of these, and maybe even participated in one. If not, the idea is that us infertile girls spend wayyyy to much time with our feet up in stirrups, and that we should at least be able to look at pretty socks while we've got our feet up. I love the idea because it's simple, affordable... and because I have a weird sock obsession to begin with. So, I did a little searching and I found a really cool site that is all about donating socks to infertile girls (and maybe even guys... I know my hubby spend a fair amount of time on a table getting prodded). The site is, aptly name, Fertility Socks. It's set up really simply, with some good info, and a way to donate, as well as sign up to receive some socks.



My plan is to start my very own sock drive, and hopefully get a good box load to send to them. I'm going to post it on my Facebook, and hopefully I'll get a little bit of the idea of the whole thing out there...without just sounding like a total crazy freak :D

On the everything else side of things, nothing is new. I am anxiously awaiting official confirmation that I am a REAL fully credentialed teacher. They don't send me anything, no plaque, no certificate, but I'm still excited for it to tell me online that I am a real, qualified... unemployed teacher.
Nothing at all is happening on the baby frontier. I'd like to say that I'm not thinking about it, and just going about my merry way, but obviously that's a lie. I think about it all the damn time! It's never ending. Even when nothing is happening, and there are no plans for anything happening... it's still just always at the front of my mind.
I've been somewhat on the verge of another emotional breakdown, although I'm holding it at bay pretty well... I think. I think it has something to do with the fact that baby number #2 is about ready to arrive for my best friend, and being around her fabulously pregger belly is getting harder and harder. Especially because pretty much just cry every time I think about the baby actually arriving. It's such a... I don't even know... paradox? conundrum? pain in the ass? One side of me is DREADING the arrival, the other part of me just can't wait to meet the little guy. UG, infertility, you are a confusing skank indeed!

Oh gosh, sorry for this UBER long post. In other, other news, I've lost a couple more pounds (146, woot woot!!), and read a couple more books. I'm starting a new one now called Healing Mind, Healthy Woman (thanks a bunch to Melissa over at Banking On It for sending me a copy).

Okay... I'll stop boring your ears...errr eyes... off.

Hope all is well out there in the blogoverse!!

Don't forget that NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) is quickly approaching, April 24th-May 1st :D

Happy Blogaversary To Me!!!

Cripes, I almost forgot that today is my 1 Year Blogaversary...Blogday? I don't know. Either way I'm not real enthused about it.

It's probably got something to do with knowing that TOMORROW is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I know, a little dramatic, but true. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husband's first 0 sperm count. I guess maybe finding out I was having my miscarriage should trump that, but for some reason it just doesn't. Maybe it's because I know pregnancy, in theory, can happen again. Hubby's sperm count, on the other hand, has pretty much no chance of every magically appearing. It's just not going to happen.

I've thought about both of these anniversaries a lot over the past couple of weeks. Last March (and really all the months since) have been difficult. Not that we never had anything bad happen to us before, but his first 0 count was so devastating, so completely life altering, that I still think about it at least 3 times a day... and that's being very modest. I probably think about infertility in general at least 20 separate times a day... gosh... it really is a problem.

I have been pondering what I would write about. I want to say something like "the last year has really shaped me into a stronger person" or "my husband and I have become such a magnificent team over the past year", but really, while that all may be true, what jumps to the front of my mind is that I F%*&ING HATE INFERTILITY and that I feel like I will never bounce back fully from this past year, and that I feel like not only have we not moved forward, but now we not only have infertility, but we also have (at least) one dead baby. That's how I really feel about the situation if I don't reign in my emotions.

I know that I am stronger... I know that. Unfortunately I'm weaker in the sense that I have labeled myself an infertile, and now have a hard time getting away from it. I am going to work more on being an advocate (I feel like I've really found something I can make a difference in with this), and put less focus on just being childless, that's a new goal of mine. I know there are some things that just can't change right now, but I know that there are some things that can. I am still continuing to work on myself, and my relationship with my hubby, and there are lots of things in life that I can make the best of right now, because I know that I am blessed in many ways.

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I thought about not even posting a blog entry for today, but I think I need to, at least for myself. I think I need to be able to label how I'm feeling, and I guess the optimist in me thinks that someday I'll look back and thing "hahaha, look how silly and angry I was, now I have fabulous children, and I am so happy... I can't even imagine how I was back then".

I really hope that happens.

Reaching A Goal

So, as I've mentioned before, one of my New Year's Resolutions was to become more of an advocate for infertility awareness. I wasn't really sure how to go about this, since I've got no money or power of any kind, lol. One thing I figured I could easily do was get information about, even if it's just on a small scale, about what it's like to go through treatment.

Apart from this blog, I also write for Fertility Authority. I wrote this blog about being an advocate.

**********

I am out of the closet . . . the infertility closet.

My friends know, my family knows, my coworkers know . . . heck, the random person walking down the street might know something about our infertility.

If you know me at all, you most likely know that my husband and I are infertile. You probably know that I’m a teacher, I love kids and that we’ve always wanted a family. You know we started trying two years ago and that we’ve undergone treatments. You may also know that one round of treatment was successful, at least for a little while.

If you bring up babies in a conversation or ask me why I don’t yet have a baby, prepare to know. In detail. If you ask my husband, prepare to know even MORE detail.

Why? Because I know that for changes to be made in the way people think about and treat infertility, people need to talk about it. I know that it’s a rough subject and I know it can be uncomfortable, but most important subject are.

The need for advocacy, when it comes to infertility, is vital. If you are currently on your own infertility rollercoaster, then you are probably already aware of the lack of knowledge most people have about the subject. Dealing with people who aren’t going through the same thing can be really difficult. People, in general, don’t get it. They can’t unless they’ve been there, and while I’d never wish infertility on anyone, I definitely wish they had more knowledge about it.

Teaching people about infertility seems to happen in layers. Layer one seems to happen when you don’t want it to. It’s the layer that happens when people ask, “Why haven’t you started a family yet?”

Now, I know that not everyone is comfortable answering directly, but if you are like me, then normally it goes something like this, “Actually, we’ve got a whole team of professionals working on that for us, hahaha” or, “Actually we would love to start a family, but for us it’s going to be a long journey.”
Layer one, for me, is the hardest.

After that, the layers, seem to be a little easier. I like to tell people a little bit about what type of infertility we’re dealing with, and what our treatments are/will be, and what our experiences thus far have been.

Then I like to delve into a bit of advocacy. I want people to know that most insurance doesn’t cover infertility. Not because I want their pity, but because people need to know that insurance, basically, is not covering procreation. For many people this means that if you are unable to procreate in a totally naturally way, then you are unable to have a family. I want people to know that even if treatments are “covered,” like with the insurance we used to have, that it can still cost thousands of dollars per cycle.

People don’t know this, they really don’t. They don’t get that this is like saying, “If you can’t walk into a building naturally, you don’t get to come in” or, “If you can’t see a book, you don’t get to read.” It’s unfathomable to me, and it should be to anyone, that a person’s right to have a family can be denied, even though -- as we all know -- many people out there choose to recklessly play with their lives and have children in unstable homes every day. These people aren’t “tested,” they aren’t expected to pay thousands. They get what is natural, and so should we.

I refuse to be ashamed of the path that my husband and I are taking to achieve having the family we deserve. I don’t want my children to ever feel ashamed that their family was not built in the “normal” way. Advocacy can help change the way that people view fertility treatments, and hopefully over time, it will change the way that insurance companies see treatments as well.

There is no pity at my party. I am proud to be an advocate.

Check out My Etsy!!

So, apparently crocheting is all the rage? Have you heard? Well, hear it now! If you thought that menopause inducing hormone shots, and bottles upon bottles of drugs were all you needed to feel old... guess again! Now you can add needle crafts!

And, because it is common knowledge that I am a total follow of fads... okay not really, I'm always a day late and a few thousand dollars short... I decided I'd jump on the bandwagon. After all, I've got nothing else going on, right?

So! Without further adieu... ANNOUNCING...

FERTILE THREADS <---- click me! click me!!

My totally awesome, crocheted item, store! Right now I've only got baby hats listed for sale (ironic, ya?), but soon enough I will have more kid and adult size beanies, and hopefully scarfs and other biggish stuff. I'm really excited about it, and excited about the name! All of the money from this store is going towards paying our fertility treatments, and while we probably won't be starting anytime soon, we will at least, hopefully, have a little extra dough when we do!

In other, totally exciting news... I PASSED my last big test for my teaching credential!!! AHHHHHH!!! Now all I've got left to do is get my CPR re-certified (oops, forgot I needed that) and within a couple of weeks I'll be fully credentialed, and waiting for the economy to slap me in the face with a crazy lack of jobs!
Still excited though :D
YAY!!!

Oh, and I finally broke 150 pounds, I'm almost down 10 pounds!!

Bye Lovelies!

Worst.Updater.Ever.

Ya, I know... I am just plain horrible at updating. There is no excuse for it, other than the fact that I just don't have that much going on.

I need to catch back up on my Thankful Thursdays, and I plan to do that, buttttt, my other excuse for not updating that I am really trying to spend less time on the ole' interweb. I know, not very conducive to a successful blog, but I'm trying.

Let's get right into my lack of stuff going on, with a thoroughly unexciting update on the goals I set at the beginning of the year.

1. Lose 25 Pounds - HAHAHAHA, I think I've lost 5, which is something, but really... I could be making a better effort. I've lost the last 3 since I started back to work full time, so hopefully that keeps working.

2. Read 25 books - I'm actually doing pretty well on this one.
Here's what I've read thus far:
Peter Pan
Sookie Stackhouse Novel 8
Sookie Stackhouse Novel 9
Percy Jackson and The Olympians - The Lightning Thief
... I think that's it... but I'm pretty much on track, I think.

3. Take my GRE's and apply for a Masters program - no.. just no.

4. Get (and stay) pregnant (for 9 months... then bring home a baby) - hmmm, lemme check... no annnddd no. No progress, no pregnancy, no money... no

5. Get Myself Back to Church - I've been attending a bible study, but have yet to get back to an actual service... I am sooo antisocial!!

6. Be An Infertility Awareness Advocate - Every gosh darn day!! I haven't made any really awesome, world changing steps with this, but it is something that I talk about, and hopefully I've helped at least one person become more aware.

7. Start My Book - Still no... I mean, I have some materials and even a concept map of sorts, but nothing further.

And there ya have it. My very uninteresting update.

Other random things...

I've started to crochet a scarf (woo hoo!). I actually learned to crochet a couple of years ago, but never really pursued it, now with some free time on my hands it just seemed like the thing to do. I've got about 2.5-3 feet of a cute gray scarf happening. Hopefully I finish it.

Today I found a new obsession... ancestry dot com... thanks to Kate for introducing me to this hour wasting awesomeness :)

And a final word (or words)... being out of school is strange. Just working, with no studying or homework or paper grading is crazy!!! So much free time!!!

I am loving it! lol.

I actually have a really good blog to write, but it'll take time and emotions, so I am saving it.

Thankful...errr...Friday and IComLeavWe

Hi IComLeavWe-ers! As usual I am a day late and a dollar short, lol.
Welcome to my page, If you didn't see on the Stirrup-Queens page, my blog is mainly about male factor infertility and sometimes about loss, with just a sprinkling of my experiences teaching thrown into the mix. Feel free to checkout the timeline located on the left hand side of the page to get a general idea of our infertility journey. I recently started a new segment called Thankful Thursdays which I managed to get out on time for 2 weeks... that's pretty much typical. Hope you enjoy :D

Appropriately enough, Thankful Thursday (Friday) this week is all about the amazing online IF communities that I found.

The online infertility communities that I am involved in have been the only reason I have stayed sane over the last two years. They are my lifeline. I know I can almost find one person online that I can talk to about what I am feeling. I also know that when I do find another IFer to talk to, that they won't judge my feelings, which is something hard to find when dealing with fertility in general. I've talked to my online IFers numerous times about the fact that we are so glad to have found each other, even if we wish it had been under different circumstances.

I'd like to give a couple of special shout outs to women without whom I would have totally gone crazy through my infertility journey :D

Kate: You are amazing! I hope you know you are. Thanks for listening to me cry, complain, laugh, cry more, and be angry darn near every day over the last couple of years. You are an amazing mom already, and someday we'll both look back at this crazy journey and, well... we probably won't laugh, but we'll flip off the past and just be happy with our babies :D Oh, and thanks for taking me around Baltimore! You're awesome!

Andrea: We are so alike it scares me...lol. You've pulled me through a lot of hard times. I am so very glad that you are pregnant!! You are going to be an amazing mom. Thanks for helping me keep the faith :D You always leave me smiling (that's what she said ;0 )

Melissa: Yay!! Someone who lives in my timezone! haha!! Boo for someone else who has to deal with male factor, it's a big lame suckhole, but I am glad that I finally have someone to totally relate to... I know that have to relate over that sucks :(
It also sucks that we are both on our forced break, but I know that one day we'll get through that, and we'll eventually have beautiful little DI babies which we can hopefully take to Disneyland...and we'll all eat at the Blue Bayou, right? RIGHT?

Courtney and Tamara: Thanks to both of your for your ongoing listening and advice, and congrats again on your beautiful, beautiful babies :D


If I've forgotten anyone I'm really sorry. Just know that I am grateful for every single person I've met during this crazy journey :D

Because you have found this site, I'm guessing most of you are at least involved in some type of online IF community, if not, I highly suggest you get involved, not only for the support but for the infertility awareness. There are lots of great sites out there with tons of great advice, and people who will listen to your IF journey and not judge, and not make comments we are all tired of hearing!! (bitter? me? no way!!)

Have a great weekend everyone!! And a great IComLeavWe week!
:D

Thankful Thursday #2

Well, it's already become apparent to me that I am going to be really bad about this whole post every Thursday thing, but I am trying. Today has been a little crazy, but I know I've got to keep this going!

So, without further adieu, my thankful Thursday for this week is dedicated to....

My mom :D

I have always been very close with my mom, and now that I am an adult, I am so happy that she is also one of my best friends. When I was 4, my parents divorced, and my mom took on the tedious role of raising me while working full time. She did a fabulous job, if I do say so myself :D
We of course had our rough spots... I think we'd both like to erase 7-9th grade from our memories... but overall we have remained very close, and I know that she is someone I can turn to for help in any situation.
The last couple of years have really shown what a great mom and friend she is. Infertility is such a touchy subject, and I know that families struggle with how to talk to their daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, ect. who are going through it. My mom has done an amazing job. She has never tried to give advice on the subject. She's stated several times that she has no idea about it, and therefore shouldn't be telling me what I should do. She 100% supports us using donor sperm, and has 100% listened to me ramble on and on and on and onnnnnn about babies, ttc and fertility over the last two years. She is one of only 3 people, outside of the IF community, that I know I can call with my infertility gripes, and she'll listen without judging.
I know that my children will be very loved by their Grammie, and that they will creat many great memories together.

<3 Love you Mommo

Resolved

Last night I had the fabulous opportunity to attend the RESOLVE peer-led support group in my area. I am already in love with it, lol. It is so nice to be around people who understand, really, REALLY (unfortunately) understand.

I have, unfortunately, gotten to the point where it is really hard for me to talk to people who aren't going through infertility about what is going on with us because I get too frustrated! I try not to, and I know that people's advice is (for the most part) meant with good intentions, but every time I hear "you're still so young, you've got time" or "just relax" I want to scream!! I obviously know Pat and I are young to be going through this... I know we still have "plenty of time"... I know it, and don't need to hear it from other people lol. Sorry, just had to vent a bit :D

Buuutttt I digress. The group was really good. I think there was 5 of us, and we just sat around and talked and laughed. There was no crying, which is nice lol, especially since I've become such a crier lately. I know there were a lot of regulars who weren't there last night, and some new people that couldn't be there, but it was really nice. I guess it's always nice to be around like-minded people.

Let me also make a point of saying that this experience really put me in my place. I know my situation sucks, but wow... why do such good people have to go through such shitty things. More specifically, why can't treatment be affordable? It doesn't have to be cheap... just reasonable. I've talked about this a bit before, and one of our discussion topics last night was about giving back to the infertility community once we have reached our goals. Just being at that meeting made me want to be involved in something like this so much more. It's so unfair to see women who would be magnificent parents waiting years and years just to save up money for one round of IVF! I don't know how I'd go about setting something up, and we discussed how we could all do something as a group, but I just think it is such a great idea. Some way to give back to a couple, or a woman who desperately wants, but is unable to afford treatment. It really made me count my blessings, and realize that even though we can't afford treatment now, that someday we will get our good insurance back, and will be able to afford it then.

Nothing new is really going on at this point. Work started back up yesterday. I'm just substitute teaching, and so far have picked up two jobs for this week. We'll see how steady the work is, I'm hoping I can at least work 3 days a week.

I'm going to post up some links on here, just in case you happen to be looking for a peer-led RESOLVE support group, or are looking for a possible fertility treatment "scholarship"

RESOLVE - Main Site
You can find local info by clicking on the side link by that name

The Tinina Q. Cade Foundation, Inc. - They have a few different grant options, some go up to $10,000, applications will be up in the Summer it looks like.

Parenthood for Me - This site is currently accepting applications for Summer grants.

Hope those help!!

Thankful Thursday #1

I've noticed that a lot of times this blog is just one big ol' pity party, so I've decided to create a new weekly blog called THANKFUL THURSDAY ( I know you can see it in the title... but repetition is good right?). Some Thursdays might be more serious, some not so much. Some might be short and simple, while others might require some explanation. I'm hoping I will stick with this... and hoping that it will pull me out of my frequent pity parties, and help me realize just how much I really have. And with that... let the first Thankful Thursday begin with my thankfulness for...





My Husband
Yea, I know, not the most creative first Thankful Thursday post, but pretty much the most important.
My husband is someone that I am incredibly privileged to know. He's my knight in shining armor, and all that cheesy stuff. He might piss me off more than anyone else I know (well... maybe more than anyone, although at this moment, maybe not), but he also makes me laugh more than anyone. We've been together for 9 years, and every day I learn something new about him... I never get tired of learning. The last two years have been hell, and yet, with him by side, I know we'll get through whatever is thrown at us. He likes to remind me that without him, I could have avoided the last two years of pain. He has said that he thinks I should leave, that he thinks he is forcing me to miss out on a normal pregnancy and child raising experience. He doesn't realize that I wouldn't have it any other way... okay... that's kind of a lie. I would take fertility... with him. If it's not with him, than I don't want it.
Once we were talking about what life would be like without each other and he said he could never imagine getting to know someone again as well as he knows me, and I completely agree. I can't imagine it, and I don't want to. He is all I want and all I need. He is the father of my future children, and I realize that it might not be the "normal" way of having babies... but who wants normal right?
I am so thankful that every day I am lucky enough to have him in my life.

New Years Resolutions and Delurking!

Hi Lovelies!

First, I am going to make a quick mention to the fact that this is National Delurking Week. I myself am really bad about reading blogs and never commenting them or choosing to follow them, but still reading them all the time. So, if you are out there, and you sometimes read this blog, leave a comment, even if it's just to say hi :D Happy Delurking!!

So, I decided I would write down some resolutions on here... not that that means I'll keep them, but I think that since I am my blog's biggest fan, I'll at least see them often enough to maybe want to try for them.

1. To lose 25 pounds - I figured I'd start with the one that I am least likely to follow through on. I always want to lose weight, although I guess I've been told by more than one person that if I REALLY wanted it, I would do it. Well, I'm starting off right. I got a Wii Fit Plus from my mom for Christmas, and have really been making an effort to do it each day. I have also been adding a 2 mile walk with the dogs in each day, and changing my eating habit, so we'll see how it goes. I'm hopeful!!

2. Read 25 books - Really I should be able to do more than this, especially since I've already gotten through 2 this year. But it seemed like a good place to start.

3. Take my GRE's and apply for a Masters Program - This is just something I know I need to do. Right now I'm not working full time, so there is no better time to get ready for some awesome standardized testing, right? I can't decide what I want to get my Masters in, so... that'll probably be the bigger decision. I'm thinking as a reading specialist, or something to do with English learners.

4. Get (and stay) pregnant (for 9 months... then bring home a baby) - Sorry, just had to sneak that one in there...

5. Get myself back to church- I am going to start attending a "healing" group this week, and am really hoping it gets me back into a comfy relationship with God.

6. Be an infertility awareness advocate- Not just for me, but for people in general. I am actually not totally sure how to do this, lol, but I've got some ideas. I am going to start going to a support group that RESOLVE offers, and I am going to try and be more diligent about writing on this blog and on my Fertility Authority blog, and I am also planning on volunteering some time for RESOLVE. Those should get me started.

Lucky Number 7: Start my book... yea, I know, crazy... but hey, what is life if not crazy? More to come on this later... this post is getting wayyyy to long.



Wow... can I just say that I love the movie Baby Mama... even though it deals with pregnancy and babies... it also deals a hell of a lot with infertility...
One of my favorite lines "these hormone injections make me wanna punch you in the face right now"... oh Tina Fey!

So, that's the deal. That's my deal. Yay 2010!! Let's do this!!!