A New Story Begins

Hello from Mommy-land. It is totally UNREAL to have this perfect little guy in my life. I've been wanting to update for a while, but I don't really even know how to put into words how I feel about everything, from labor to coming home, and now just over a week since I met my son. It's just unreal.
I have SO much to write about, but I'll dedicate this post to the labor and hospital stay... it's a long one, sorry in advance. On Thursday the 6th I had an appt in the morning. My doc told me that I hadn't made any change in the past two weeks... still at 1cm, and 60% effaced. I was totally bummed. Pat and I went to lunch, and I jokingly put on facebook that I was wallowing in self pity. During that day, even when we were at the docs, I kept telling Pat that I felt like I had bad gas pains (sorry, TMI lol). They weren't horrible, but just kind of persistent all day. Later that evening I felt what I thought might be a contraction, but it was just a quickish, bad pain in my back, so I wasn't sure. When I talked to my dad that evening I told him I'd maybe had a contraction or two, but was still not really sure. About 6pm I started having regular contractions... all in my back. I probably should have guessed then that things would get painful fast haha. By 8pm my contractions were definitely regular, definitely painful, and still all in my back. I tried various positions to help, sat in the bath, sat on the exercise ball... all that good stuff. Our plan was to go to my moms, who lived closer to the hospital, once I felt like I couldn't be at home. That happened around 11pm. By time we got to my moms, around 11:40ish, I was in a lot of pain. We stayed there as long as I could handle it, and headed to the hospital around 1:15am. At that point my contractions were 4min apart, which was our goal for going from home to hospital.
By time we got there I was pretty out of it. I threw up a couple of times, and the pain was really bad. I hadn't felt any of the contractions in the front because the back labor was SO intense. The doc did a check and LUCKILY I was dilated to 5cm. She also confirmed what I guessed as soon as I realized what I was having was back labor... Drake was "sunny side up". I got the epidural as soon as I could.
Once the epidural set in it was smooth sailing for quite a while. I progressed pretty fast from 5cm-9cm, and then everything stopped. My contractions, which had been off the charts were suddenly barely registering on the monitor. That lasted almost 5 hours!! They put me on pitocin, which didn't seem to be doing anything, and finally discussed a c-section. They said they'd turn up the pit one more time and then in a half hour make the call. Luckily things decided to pick up again.
I started pushing at about 1:30pm and 2 hours later, at 3:33pm, my beautiful son was born. He was immediately perfect and immediately the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though everyone had told me that it would be amazing, I just had no idea. Amazing didn't, and still doesn't even begin to describe it.
After I got all stitched up (blah) we moved to our room. The next few days (from Friday afternoon to Monday) are kind of a blur and mostly just all run together. The best thing I did, by far, was send the Husband home for two nights so that he could get some rest! We did have to stay an extra night because Drake had jaundice, but luckily we didn't have to spend an extra three days with him in the NICU because his labs began to even out.
Getting discharged from the hospital was the point where things got real, haha. I just kept thinking that at any moment I'd wake up from the amazing dream I'd been living in, or that the hospital staff would decide we really didn't get to have this perfect little guy all to ourselves. But, they basically kicked us to the curb with our baby, our bags, and our stockpile of stolen hospital supplies.
Overall we couldn't have asked for a better experience. It was amazing. My husband was amazing... BEYOND amazing. I don't think I have ever been so proud of him. Our son is unbelievable. I'm just so in love. It's hard to imagine life without him now. It's hard to imagine when he wasn't in our lives. He's perfect, and beautiful... and yes, all the crap we went through to have him was TOTALLY worth it.

Amazing

Drake Patrick 10/7/11 3:33pm 8lbs 7oz, 20.5in long




I'm totally in love :D
I'll update more later this week.

Ummm, Hello?

Baby!! Hello!!! Today is October the 4th! Today you should be bursting forth into the world!! But alas, you are staying put. I almost don't blame you. It's gotten a bit cold outside over the last couple of days, and I am sure you are nice and snuggly and warm. But, you move so much, all the time, and you would have SO much more room if you were out here. More room than you can even imagine... and there are blankets, so you could be snuggly and warm too!! We are anxiously awaiting you baby boy!! Take pity on your poor parents and show up soon!!
So, yea... still pregnant. I feel crappy, but not horrrrrible. I think I could definitely feel worse. Mostly I'm just impatient!! I mean, come on kiddo!! We waited forever for you, don't make us wait PAST when you should arrive! I haven't really gone crazy with the "how to induce yourself" stuff. Mostly I've just been eating some spicy foods, walking and sitting on the exercise ball. I know there are other things I could be doing, so maybe I'm not desperate enough... or I don't think I'm lucky enough for those things to work. One of those.
I have an appointment on Thursday, and my fear is that I won't have any progression past where I was before (1cm and 60% in case you forgot). I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'd be sad. I'm not sure if they'll discuss induction at that point, or just say they'll see me in a week. I guess we'll see.
Here's a pic from today... hopefully the last weekly pregnancy pic I'll take!!

Oh Em Gee

I remember a few months ago talking to a friend and saying "wow, I am in the 100 day count down to this baby!" and her response was "wait until you are in the 10 day countdown!" Guess what!?!? That is where I am today! 10 days until my little guy is due. Now, I know that he could come anytime at this point (please Lord, after all we've been through, get this baby here ASAP) or it could be a couple weeks past that date (in which case I will probably totally lose my mind). But in general it is just totally UNREAL! After nearly 3 and half years, we am less than two weeks away from becoming a family of 3... it blows my mind. I had my 38 week appointment last Tuesday, and was really hoping for some good news from my pelvic exam... even though I know at this point that dilation and effacement can stay the same for weeks. I was really hoping to be at least a couple cm dilated, which didn't happen. I'm only at 1cm. But, I was 60% effaced. So, although it's not crazy progressed, it's at least a start. I will say that I still have quite a bit of anxiety. As excited as I am, and as much as I have no reason to think that anything is wrong... I still worry. I worry that something horrible will happen to him in the next couple of weeks. That's part of the reason that I just want him here NOW!! Even though I know that just starts a whole new kind of worrying. I am trying not to stress too much, but man, after waiting SO long, it's hard to not be constantly nervous. I don't have too much else to update. I'm really uncomfy, but that's to be expected with only a WEEK AND HALF LEFT!! AHHHH!! I'll leave you with a picture :)

3 Weeks Left

So... I started writing this post over 2 weeks ago!! I am such a blog failure right now. I'm unmotivated about pretty much everything. I'm keeping most of what I had previously written, so... when I apologized for not writing, really I'm double apologizing for then and now :)

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Oh my goodness! Sorry I haven't been writing more frequently, but I'm definitely getting to the point where I am pretty unmotivated to do anything.
The phase where I loved pregnancy and had the glow is officially over. Now I'm just huge and uncomfy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still happy and feel SO incredibly blessed and excited to be getting close to meeting this little monster... but wow... pregnancy at this point is just yucky. I do think my body will be partially trained to run on exhaustion by time Drake arrives, because at this point if I get one and half hours of uninterrupted sleep at any given point, I am lucky.

On a more positive note, I had two AMAZING baby showers!! I am so so so grateful for all the friends and family that showed up (and those who didn't) to support the Husband and I. The first shower was thrown by one of my bff's and my mom and was terrific! The other was thrown by a couple of Husband's cousins, and was also amazing. I can not believe all the thoughtful gifts that we received. It's easy to see that Drake is already very loved :D

I can't say that too much else is going on. I've been semi-nesting lol. Basically I'll get short bursts of energy to do tons of stuff, and then I just want to sleep. Or, I'll get a huge burst of cleaning/organizing energy and work all day and into the night on stuff... and then barf because I've totally overdone it...yuck.

We have started our childbirth classes which are pretty much exactly what I thought they would be. Our last one is on the 22nd. I'm secretly hoping that Drake arrives before then, but I'm sure that's wishful thinking.

I'm still plugging away at my Masters work, and hoping over the next week that I can get a few weeks of work in, so that I'm not worrying about that too much right when Drake arrives. Luckily my professors are really cool and I'm sure they'll be fine with me taking some extensions.

Otherwise things are just moving along... slowly. We have everything we need to take care of this little dude. We are excited and anxious beyond all belief. At this point I'm not too "worried" or "scared" (people keep asking me) about labor... because obviously it's not going to be pleasant, but what it will be is the end of a 3 year journey to hold this little miracle in our arms.

Can the next three weeks please go by super fast...

(p.s. I'm not even entertaining the thought that I'll go past due lol)

Is This Real Life?

Is it possible that I really only have 8 weeks left of this pregnancy? Mind. Blown.

I think things are finally starting to get real... like, really real. Real enough, in fact, that we finally painted the nursery and even got the furniture. I still keep thinking that I need to slow down...that I shouldn't be rushing into it, but I guess at 32 weeks, I'm not really rushing.

The most exciting thing to happen recently was our 3d/4d ultrasound!!! Is technology amazing these days or what. It's like, almost too amazing, like scary amazing. We ended up getting to go twice because the little monster in my belly had the umbilical cord in front of his face, and when prodded just moved it more in front of his face. When we went back he had changed his body position to head down, but guess what was still right by his face in EVERY shot... yup, the cord. We did get some really cool pictures though... really cool, mildly creepy, pictures :)


Holy baby!! His eyes are open in this one, and yup... there's that cord, right there by his chin.


UH oh!! Frowny face :( The weirdness by his eye is the distortion from the umbilical cord... erggg, that cord, it better just stop giving me issues now!


We got a bunch more, but those are two of my faves :) So, needless to say I am totally in love. Not that I wasn't before, but this made it a bit more real.

Also, here is a picture of what we've got in the nursery so far... Really exciting I know. There is also a dresser, but it's apparently impossible to get the entire nursery in one pic.

We are planning on doing a pirate theme, which kind of just includes a lamp shade, and a small wall mural of a treasure map... maybe a couple pillows, haha. Kind of a theme.

Other than that, not too much is going on. I didn't get hired back to work, which is frustrating. It's rough being a teacher right now. Teachers in our district who have been there for five years didn't get hired back this year, so sad :( I can only hope things will get better, when I decided to be a teacher I definitely didn't see myself being 8 years into my education and not having a job. BUT, I'm sure once my little guy bursts onto the scene I will be happy to not have a job to worry about.

Other pregnancy things... The two biggest are general discomfort and insomnia. The insomnia is out of control. I can usually bet that at least a couple times a week I won't get to sleep until 3 or 4am, not fun. The discomfort I can deal with, even if that means I sometimes get nauseous in the evenings, not my favorite. I also have crazy dry skin that is horrific on my feet. YUCK!!

OH!! I have a baby shower next weekend, and one the weekend after that!! AHH!!! Then we'll really need to figure out space issues in our house! I think after those things will really start to go fast. Or they'll just go by horrifically slow for the next 8 weeks... ugggg!! HURRY OCTOBER, HURRY FAST!!!

No new belly pic this time... hopefully once soon!! Also, sorry for how rambly this post is. Today has not been my favorite day for a few reasons... erggg... trying to keep the pregnancy crazy inside... not easy!

Welcome to the Third Trimester...

Here's a full body rash as a welcome gift. Yea... because what every pregnant woman needs is more crazy medical shiznit. On Monday or Tuesday (I really can't remember which) I noticed I had an itchy rash on my upper arms... the next day it was on my legs... now it's down my arms, down my legs, all over my thighs and starting on my belly. NEAT. Real Neat. I went to my doc and my OB... both of whom weren't really sure what to make of it. They think it COULD be contact dermatitis, or PUPP (preggo rash) OR a medication reaction... so really, it could be many things, they just aren't sure which. I did get a referral to a dermatologist, so we'll see how that goes. Mostly now I'm just itchy, and it's hot out, and I look kinda like a lizard.
Okay, not that I have gotten that out of the way... let's get to the exciting stuff... I'm in my THIRD TRIMESTER!! HOLY WOW! 12 weeks-ish left until I get to meet this crazy little monster. I absolutely love, love, LOVE feeling him moving all the time. Even if that means I am awake at 3am while he kicks my tummy hard enough to make it sore to the touch. It is SOOOOO worth it. We are hopefully painting the nursery within the next week, and maybe getting the nursery furniture within the next couple of weeks.
I still feel like, in a lot of ways, I am stuck in infertility/loss mode, and am putting stuff off that I should be getting together. Even though it is all feeling more real, I still wake up every day thinking something horrible will happen. I REALLY hope that feeling goes away soon. I have been steadily increasing the dose of meds I am on for a health issue over the past few weeks after I totally got caught by my OB for not taking the dose I was supposed to, I was just taking a couple (hundred) mg's less that prescribed... oops. Taking these meds while pregnant FREAKS me out to no end. But, I have reached the dose I'll be staying on, so that makes me fairly happy.
How am I feeling otherwise? Pretty decent. Sleep is crappy still, but it's Summer, I'm not working so it's manageable. In the last couple of weeks I have started to get a bit uncomfy, I def have a pregnancy body. As my husband so eloquently put it the other day "you totally look pregnant now, not just fat". Thanks husband :)
My mind is still pretty much broken, which made writing a research paper to finish up this semester of my Masters program super fun. Otherwise I'm feeling decent, and being super thankful that the last week has been relatively cool for a California Summer.
I can only assume that the baby is doing well... Like I said, he moves around like crazy, and I'm measuring correctly, and his heartbeat is good, and he's head down... so all those things bode well :)
Coming up in my future (other than the arrival of my little boy, hehe):
3D/4D ultrasound, hopefully within the next couple of week
My baby shower at the end of August
Childbirth classes, hospital tours, pediatrician picking... OH MY!

Things are definitely starting to get interesting!!
And, before I go... here is an new belly shot... also, sorry for not updating for a month... Oops, I'll try and be better about that!!

24 weeks!

Holy cow! I think I've said this before, but wow... it is going by so fast, and so slow, all at the same time.
I've been meaning to post pictures since our anatomy scan... and I am going to be that type of person who posts their baby's parts online. Probably makes me a bad mom already, butttttt you'll all just have to get over it ;)

So... picture #1, not the greatest profile since he insisted on having one hand in front of his chin, and the other by his forehead... but still very cute. I love his little nose and lips... and all of him :)


Next picture... yup, I'm doing it. Here's his boy parts.


And, finally, here is a new belly picture. Taken just moments ago in fact. Definitely moving past the "maybe she's just getting fat" phase of pregnancy.


I've been feeling pretty good. School is OUTTT FORRR SUMMMAAAA, so that's always nice. What's not so nice... the fact that at this point I don't have a job lined up for Fall. Someday I hope that education will be a priority again, and that teachers will have jobs... and classrooms won't have 35 students in them... anddddd that's another story.

Back to how I'm feeling in regards to pregnancy:
Sleep - Crappy... but what else is new
Energy - Not much, but not the horrible exhaustion that it was. Easier now that I can sleep in :)
Mind - Pretty much broken, I can't think or concentrate,and I hear it doesn't get better. Fun.

How's the baby? Well, I can only assume from his NON STOP movements that he's doing well. I still freak out EVERY day that something bad will happen, but I want to believe this is real. Maybe once he's here I'll know it's real... although I guess I know I won't ever stop worrying...

I've got more to write... including a post about the baby shower that my class threw for me, that was the CUTEST thing EVER!! EVER! But, I want to sleep now.

Bye Lovelies :)

It's a...

BOY!!

I know... World. Shocked.
I didn't really feel like I felt one way or the other but even I was surprised lol!
SO VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED of course, but surprised.

It was so very amazing to see the little dude (hehee) squirming around in there, and seeing and then feeling him kicking me when he didn't like being prodded for 25 minutes. I'll put pictures up sometime soonish, but since our scanner is not connected, it's quite the process at the moment.

19 Weeks... say what!?!

So, yet again I've waited a month in between blog posts. Bad me! So, what's going on? Here is a short update:

1) My belly at 18 weeks... I haven't taken a pic this week.


There is definitely something happening in there! Speaking of which...

2)Baby Movement! All the time! I started getting the little flutters around 17 weeks, and in the last week there have been some definite kicks, some of which can be seen and felt outside my tummy. So strange, but so so amazing!!

3) BABY PICTURE!! It's from our 16 week (surprise) ultrasound. Sometimes it's really good to know people who work at the hospital!



SO AMAZING to see the little babe-a-roo wiggling around in there. The doc took a long time looking at the baby... we got to see it's little fingers and toes and it's little alien looking face :)
The doc tried to see the gender, but baby was not being cooperative! She did see enough to make a tentative guess, but I don't want to give that away yet!
I'm posting a poll on the side to see what you guys think

4) Our anatomy scan is ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!! Ahhh!!! So exciting! Of course I'm nervous, but mostly just excited, and PRAYING that baby will be cooperative so I can start buying stuff :) If it's a girl, the first stop after the doc's will be to Targ.et, where there are outfits I already have to buy!

lastly, and this one is mostly just funny
5) I told my class of 6th graders that I was going to have a baby... and by told I mean they all knew, and finally confronted me about it hahaha. They are much more observant that I thought, even sighting how I had "lots of doctors appointments, but didn't seem sick". They have been very cute about the whole thing, and ask me questions about it all the time. AND they are always offering to carry stuff for me, can't beat that!

Hope everyone is well!! Take a look at the poll, and make your guess!

15 weeks

So, I've decided that not enough is going on to be doing a post each week. I mean, I could write about stuff... but it would getting boring faster than it already does.

Right now I'm just really darn happy to be safely out of the first trimester. Even though I am still a bit of a stress case, it is a lot of weight off my shoulders :)

As far as symptoms, the only ones that are really bugging me are the crazy dreams, and the lack of sleeping. I don't know if my dreams are waking me up... or if I just can't sleep and the fatigue is giving me crazy dreams... I don't know. It's not fun though.

Other than that most everything else has either dissipated or completed gone. My boobs aren't hurting too bad anymore, although I have gone up a full cup size, with no indication that the growing will stop. Also I'm still peeing a lot, but that isn't really annoying, it just is.

Best thing to happen in the last couple of weeks... the arrival of the fetal doppler that I bought off ebay, lol. It's so very nice to just hear the little babe-a-roo's heartbeat tickin' away. I try not to do it everyday... but that's difficult. Luckily I can hear it really quickly at this point, so it only takes about 2 minutes, and doesn't consume my entire day... because if it took that long, I'd totally let it.

Here is my new belly pic. It's a couple days before 15 weeks is officially here, but I felt compelled to take it today :)




It's still not super impressive, but I think I'm almost to the point where I look a little more than just suddenly fat. Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I'll actually get an actual "wow, there's a baby in there" type belly :)

13 weeks

I totally skipped a week. Mostly because nothing exciting was happening. Not that anything is happening now, but I want to keep up on the updates :)

Since my last update I had my first, no RE's office, OBGYN appt! During this appointment I almost committed murder. Why? Because I was told I was getting an ultrasound, and then when I got there, I didn't get one. Apparently the person who told me I was getting one didn't realize I had had one before leaving the RE. So... they had the u/s machine in the room...and then took it out. Cue the rage. Actually, I held it together well, I didn't even cry. I just thought lots of angry thoughts.

We did get to hear the heartbeat, which was really nice. And the doc said everything was going really well :)
I'm still REALLLLLY nervous, but am starting to actually feel like this could be really REAL. AHHHH!!
Today I even made it real enough to buy a couple pairs of maternity pants. Not that I am showing a bunch, but my pants no longer button comfortably... most don't button at all. I am definitely going to be wearing the capri pants that I got though. They are allll kinds of comfy.

As far as symptoms, most of them are really mild at this point. What is sticking around, and maybe even getting worse, is the fatigue. I feel like I never really wake up fully... but then again it could also be because I don't really sleep at night. Sleep, in fact, has been horrible at best. Not sure if that is from pregnancy, stress, or some other health things I've got going on...
I have random quick bouts of nausea, but nothing major at all. I'm emotional, which is probably the one that the Husband notices the most... poor guy.
That's really it, other than some lingering boob pain, lol.

I'll leave you with my first belly pic. Today was the first time I've had the courage to take one.



Goodnight!

11 Weeks

These posts are getting more and more boring. So much so that I skipped a WEEK!! Great, I'll have nothing to remember 10 weeks, haha.

So, like I was saying. Nothing is really new. Same symptoms, same fears, same insane countdown until the 21st, which is only 6 days away!!!

I'm terrified. Beyond terrified... I keep thinking that something will go horribly wrong at the ultrasound. I have no real reason to think that, but I think it's impossible not to.

I will definitely post next week... hopefully with some new pictures of the tiny fetus that seems to be getting to all the food that I eat before I do, leaving me constantly starving.

9 weeks

These are going to be some boring posts for a while. Sorry.

Nothing new and exciting is happening. I'm just going along, trying to keep positive. It's really hard. I want to be happy and sure about this pregnancy, but mostly I'm just depressed. I'm really hoping that things will change one I'm out of my first trimester. My first trimester which, by the way, seems like it's 10000000 weeks long rather than just 12 (or 14 depending on what you are going by).

As far as symptoms...
-Nausea, mainly in the evenings, or when I let myself get too hungry
-CRAZY vivid dreams!! Like super real and mega crazy. Things like leading a tribe of people away from a volcano, or riding a giraffe though a field of foam shapes. Sometimes very realistic also, but mostly just strange.
-Headaches... I'm prone to these anyway, so I'm not sure that this is just pregnancy
-Fatigue. Can I just sleep all the time???
-Emotions. Embarrassing crazy emotions... Crying for 20 minutes after yelling for 10 minutes at my husband for stupid stuff. Poor guy.
-Restless Legs. Not bad, but another thing I've had issues with before. I haven't had too bad of a problem with it over the last year... until the last couple of weeks. Not sure whether it's the pregnancy, or the nervousness that comes with it.
- Shortness of breath/awareness of breath. This is a weird one. I guess I've heard of it in early pregnancy. When I'm laying down I feel this the most. Suddenly it feels like breathing through my nose isn't enough. I almost HAVE to breath through my mouth to feel like I'm getting enough air. It's not scary, just interesting.
-Sore boobs. Real sore. Nuff said.

Other than all that fun stuff, I'm just going crazy waiting for my ultrasound which isn't until the 21st!!! ahhhh!!! I'll also be 12 weeks then, so that'll be milestones of all kinds :)

Oh... and someone who is "in the know" told me I looked like I was "starting to show" today. No no... I'm just getting fat. Thanks.

8 weeks

The hardest part of all of this is the not knowing.
I've seen the little Pumpkin Seed, and heard it's beautiful heartbeat... but only once. Between then and now, WHO KNOWS what could be going on??
Could everything have gone wrong since then? I don't know...
I don't do well not knowing. I'm not the type of person who can live in blissful ignorance and be okay.
The thought of waiting two more weeks for an ultrasound seems like a LIFETIME away. It seems an impossible amount of time to wait.
I know that every woman goes through this, and maybe I shouldn't complain... but I am.
I'm worried that the progesterone is what is causing everything I'm feeling. I'm also worried about having to stop the progesterone on March 8th. I think I'll be weaning myself off of it, since some ridiculous part of my mind is certain that the progesterone is the only reason I'm staying pregnant.

Other than those little freak outs, here is what's going on.

Symptoms:
- PAINFUL boobs! That's pretty much been constant since about the time I got my bfp, but wow... sometimes it actually makes me wince. I've started wearing a sports bra to bed, and while they still hurt, at least they don't wake me up when I roll over at night.
- Sickness. For a while it was WAY worse at night. The only times I've actually barfed have been at night, but I actually think I've gotten that under control. Now the queasiness lasts pretty much all day. I'm still working on making that distinction of starving = barfy = eat. It's such a weird sensation.
- Cravings. Mostly just for random things. Things that seem like I HAVE to have them or I'll die. Some favorites so far... bean and cheese burrito, mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, sou.r pat.ch kids candy
- Exhaustion. This actually just recently started. I'm the type of person who is pretty much always a little tired, but this is definitely more than that.
- Emotions. Just all over the place.
- Constipation, heartburn, gas

I've got the mandatory prenatal class at the hospital on Wednesday. Husband can't go because they only offer it on Wednesday :(
I'm really not looking forward to it, but to set up my next appts I have to go.

Hopefully they'll give me some free stuff :)

Behold...

Our little Pumpkin Seed!

I think I can finally breathe... a little.

This was definitely the best Valentine's Day gift I could ever have hoped for.
I am measuring at 6w6d, which is exactly what I am supposed to be. We got to hear the little sprout's heartbeat, which was cruising along at 126.

I know we still aren't out of the woods. It's early. I know this is still a touch and go time... but at least we've got some more hope.

I signed up for my prenatal class, and now I need to choose and OBGYN.

OH... and my estimated due date is October 4th... Yay for all the holidays falling during maternity leave!!

I'll update more soon.

6w5d (almost)

I'm actually still on 6 weeks, 4 days, but it's night so I'm close.

Tomorrow morning at 9:30am I'll have my first ultrasound.

I'm terrified.

I just keep thinking that nothing will be in there. I have no reason to think that, but I just can't get it out of my mind.

If it goes well it'll be the best Valentine's Day EVER... if not... then the worst.

To add to all that fun I have a GNARLY cold!! I'm a teacher, so of course I have to expect that some of the little sickly children will rub their sickly little germies on me. BUT, I do not need this right now.

I am thinking about getting in the shower to get rid of some snot, hahaha... that's TMI, but who cares. I need to get it out.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonight, although honestly I haven't been sleeping well at all. Between my boobs hurting when I toss and turn and the CRAZY dreams I've been having... sleep has not been my friend.

Don't get me wrong here, I am so very happy that I am getting to experience pregnancy. I am totally fine with the nausea that comes and goes at the strangest of times, and I'm also fine with the non stop gas!!

I think that if tomorrow goes well that I'll be able to breathe A LITTLE. I know the next fews weeks are still going to be rocky... and by next few weeks I mean the next 33 give or take. Haha.

I'm realizing that this post is ALLLLL over the place. So, I'm just going to go sit in some warm water and then try to sleep.

Good night!! Wish me luck!

5w5d - Still Crazy

Well, I am quickly approaching my 6 week mark, and am feeling just as crazy as I have been since I got my BFP. I am trying as hard as I can to just enjoy this, but it's nearly impossible. My biggest fear, other than nothing on the ultrasound in ONE WEEK, is that all my symptoms are just from the progesterone suppositories (yuck) that I'm taking 2 times a day. I try to convince myself that this probably isn't very likely, but it's hard to believe myself sometimes :)

I will say that I have at least been reading WTE, and downloaded their little tracker app, and have looked at some other baby related stuff so that I can enjoy this potential little pumpkin seed a little bit. I think that if the ultrasound next week goes well I'll be able to breathe a little easier. I'm sure I'll be a stress case still, but at least I'll have had my "see it to believe it" moment.

So, at just under 6 weeks, this is what I've got going on.

A baby: The size of a sweet pea (awww)

Symptoms: Most noticeable - crazy boob soreness (yowza), and gas. Bad gas... bad gas cramps. Bad gas cramps waking me up at all hours of the night and making me take lots of a gas x. Other symptoms - VERY mild waves of nausea, HUNGRYYYYY all the time, peeing lots, tired a lot, bloated.

Emotions: All over the place. "Emtional" should probably be in the symptoms list, but I think part of it has to do with the hormones, and the other part is just general pregnancy stress.

A Husband: I think he's doing alright. He's excited, but trying not to be. I want him to enjoy it though.

An Ultrasound: NEXT MONDAY!!! AHHH!! Praying praying praying that we see a little bean in there!

4w5d - Rollercoaster

Oh my goodness!! I'm starting to feel like the infertility roller coaster was just the practice coaster before stepping up to the big leagues!
Pregnancy, even at this very very early stage, is insanely nerve wracking!! I am totally over analyzing every little thing. I try not to, but it's impossible.

The most frustrating part is that I want to be happy and excited, but I'm not :(
I just can't get my hopes up. I know that at any point something could go wrong... I can't stop the feeling of dread. I am really hoping that if things keep progressing for the next few weeks the way they are supposed to, that I'll eventually start feeling a little better.

So, in week 5 of my pregnancy, this is what I've got...

A baby... the size of an orange seed

Symptoms... like heart burn, incredibly sore breasts, some tiredness, and some crazy emotions

An ultrasound.... on Valentine's Day (which I'm really hoping goes well, or that will be one crappy holiday)

A husband... who is also having a hard time being happy, even though he wants to be.

A hope... that is could be the end of our wait.

Hopefully in the next few weeks things will get more interesting, in a good way.

Cautiously Optimistic...

Well, after a very interesting week I can at least go through my Friday feeling pretty decent.
Just as any average, crazed, IF beaten girl can be expected to do, I started testing last Saturday. I told myself it was stupid as I was doing it, but I couldn't help it.
Saturday night: light positive
Sunday: light positive
Monday-Wed: Progressively darker

OH! And more importantly. Tuesday I had a little issue that landed me in the ER, and while I was there they did a blood hcg.... a day early (winner, me!)

Tuesday (13dpiui): 144

I've been avoiding posting because last time my second beta is where things went wrong. My numbers started going crazy, up and down and up and down. I didn't want to post if it was going to be like that.
Well, I called this morning, at 6:30, of course, and....

Thursday (15dpiui): 541

I'm pretty pleased with that. More than tripled seems like a good progression. I'm still scared, and I'm sure I will be through this entire ordeal. But, at least I'm starting to let myself believe that I MIGHT have a baby in my future.

Symptoms:
headache
cramps (these scare me, even though apparently they are normal)
very mild heartburn/indigestion
very very mild nausea
tired

I am calling the nurse at the IF clinic later so that I can schedule an ultrasound. I'm still nervous that all will go wrong, like I heard the number wrong, or who knows what else...
But, I'm going to try and relax and enjoy this, and pray pray pray that this might be the time it works out :)

IUI #4 - Done and DONE!

Well, things yesterday went off without a hitch. The only crappy part was that Hubby wasn't able to be with me during the IUI, darn work. Actually, I take that back, I can't bad mouth a job that at least gives us some insurance....

SO, now I wait... wait and wait. Currently my whole life is waiting. Waiting on fertility treatments, waiting on news about my other health stuff. Waitttttttttingggg.

My first beta will be on the 26th...ahhh!!!
This cycle I'm noticing how tired the meds made me. Maybe it's because I've got more going on. I don't know. I've also been super emotional... and strangely not about the things that I probably should be upset about. Instead I notice myself tearing up at random moments in the book I'm reading, or during a tv show. Me no likey. I guess there is only more of that to look forward to.

My least favorite part of any cycle,the progesterone suppository part, starts tomorrow night. I really hate those little buggers. But, I will obviously take them diligently and act damn happy about it if they help get and keep me pregnant.

Over the next couple of weeks I've got a massive amount of school and work stuff going on, but I am definitely trying to not let the stress get to me. I think I'll be taking quite a few evening baths... not too hot of course... over the next couple of weeks.

Deep breaths... relaxing... positive thoughts :)

2011 Resolutions...and more issues

Well, I guess I'll start out by saying that I've had some health stuff come up... of course. Nothing is easy, and I don't expect it to be. I'm going to hold off on posting more about the stuff going on until I know more about it. Good news... we don't need to cancel the cycle. The testing, and even it's potential results shouldn't affect treatment or pregnancy. Still scary, but I'm honestly trying not to stress much until I've got some definite answers.

On to more exciting, or at least, less depressing stuff...

My fabulous, wonderful, awesome.... 2011 New Years Resolutions
Although I can't say that I fully met all of last years resolutions, having them here kept me a little more accountable.
LAST year my goals were...
1)Lose 25 pounds - I believe I lost about 15 since Jan, maybe 20. 24 total since I started to trying to lose weight 1.5 years ago. I'm feeling like I'm at a totally healthy weight now :)
2) Read 25 books... I didn't keep track of this well...I was darn close, if not there
3) Start Masters - Yup
4) Get and stay pregnant - obviously not :(
5) Get back to church - no, although I'm feeling decent spiritually
6) Be an infertility awareness advocate - not as much as I would have liked
7) Start my book - no.


THIS YEAR!!

1) Read 25 books in this, my 25th year. I'm already on book number 4. Have I mentioned that I got a Kindle yet?? If not, I did, and I love it.

2) Maintain a healthy weight. Right now I hover around 135-137. I want to keep it that way until I'm pregnant. Then I just want to maintain something healthy.

3) On that note... bring home a baby. Not really sure if I can resolve myself to do that anymore than I already have... but I will darn sure try :)

4) Graduate from my Masters program. I should be done in December... If I get pregnant and am due in fall/winter...that should be really interesting.

5) Attend professional development for teaching

6) Have a 2011-2012 contracted teaching job

7) Start my book... can't give that one up.

8) Keep staying crafty. I am LOVING crocheting, and wish I did it more. It's fun, and relaxing

9) all that other boring crap, lol... keep my house clean, eat healthy, blah blah blah. Stuff everyone wants to be better at :)

So, there ya have it. Those are my goals. I'm going to add a little widget about the books I've read :)

As for this cycle.
-Tonight (CD8) is my last night of Femara
-Approx. Sun-Tues (CD9-11) Bravelle/Menopur injections
-Approx. Tuesday HCG Trigger
-Approx. Thurs Donor IUI #4

I go in Monday morning for a follie scan. I'll post what I find out then :)

Hope everyone is having a productive and happy new year <3

Being Hopeless...

is apparently what I need so that things have a chance of working out, lol.

I got a call from my RE yesterday (while we were at Disneyland, woo hoo) that they'd be able to see me today, CD5, to start my cycle.
I went in this morning, and got things all set up. I am going to be doing a combination cycle of Femara and Bravelle, which is new, but I'm sure will be fine.
It's crazy that next week I'll be having my IUI... I had totally written off the chance of anything working out this month. I think that worked out for the best actually. We went to Disneyland without the stress of starting meds or anything treatment related. It was really nice to just hang out. It rained, at times it poured, but overall it was a great time. We ate delicious food, and saw World of Color, and had a hilariously (albeit mildly painful) ride on California Screamin' in the rain.
GOOD TIMES... and now hopefully a successful cycle... maybe....