Without The Breakdown... Hopefully.

Dear 2009,
You have made my life a living Hell. Never have I had a worse year. Never have I cried so much, and been so unsure about everything happening to me. You suck 2009, you really, really suck.

Get Out!!

**********

Dear 2010,
I'm really counting on you. Please don't let me down. Please help me to find my place. Help me to not feel alone, and to not feel bitter. Help Husband get back to his job, and therefore back to some semblance of happiness. I don't want much, just the normal things that most people have in life.

Hoping For the Best,
Tori

Post Christmas Post

Ug, I've totally been avoiding writing. I just have nothing interesting to say.

No word on fertility treatments because there is still no word on Husband going back to his old job. I keep going through these crazy mood swings... I'll be super happy for a week or so, and then really depressed and crying for a couple of weeks. I think I've "gotten over" the miscarriage. I obviously won't even forget it, but I am not so sad about that specifically. I'm just sad about infertility. I'm just sad that it's going to be so hard to have babies. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I'm just repeating the other blogs I've written...

Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? At the beginning they are having a surprise party and Adam Sandler's character walks in and they all yell "SURPRISE", and then they realize it's not the right person and someone tells him "we wasted the good surprise on you"... that's how I feel. I don't feel that way specifically toward the baby I lost, but just the fact that we wasted the happiness and the surprising our families and everything on something that didn't work out. I know it won't be the same next time I tell Pat. He won't feel the same. I won't feel the same. It won't be the same when we tell our families. I was foolish to let myself get so excited, and I wish I could take that back.

I've got this week and next week off work. I don't know if that is good for me or bad. On one hand I can relax and do stuff around the house. On the other hand... I'll probably just relax and actually do nothing around the house.

I made it through Christmas, and only cried when Pat and I opened cards to each other, which is much better than I thought I would do. We got some good presents, and had a good time with family. I felt really sad a couple of times, but managed to push it back, and not let the emotions get to me. We are going to keep New Years really low key, last year on New Years was my first big break down about ttc. It had been like 9 months of trying, and we knew there was going to be a pregnancy announcement from some friends... and I was fed up. I still am. I decided that going out was probably a bad idea.

More than likely we'll be sitting around, playing the Wii we got :D
It's sooo much fun, and has been great bonding time for Pat and I. We've totally ended up laughing and flirting and just having fun for hours playing the games we have.

I have a lot of personal goals and/or resolutions that I am trying to get in order, and will hopefully get around to posting. In general they involve eating less, working out more, being less bitter about life, and getting my home more organized...we'll see how those go, lol.

Happy New Years to all!

What a Week!!

Oh my gosh! This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I honestly thought I was taking the miscarriage, and infertility in general pretty well, until it snuck right up on me and kicked me in the uterus. I have never spent so much time thinking that I hated my life, and wishing I could just erase the last couple of years. I can not stand being sad and depressed, and usually do a good job of pulling myself out of it, but wow...
I'm totally going to blame some of it on pms, since AF showed herself on Saturday. I had forgotten how unruly my body was when not on fertility meds, and I had been spotting for over a week when she made her official appearance. So, I am blaming some of my outrageous hormones on that.
I've come up with a plan though, to hopefully pull myself out of this funk. Well, when I say I've come up with a plan, what I mean is that my good friends have noticed my serious crappy state of mind and want me to seek some counseling, andddd that is what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just trying to figure out if I want to go through our medical insurance (I emailed my doc yesterday) or if I want to pursue counseling through the church I attend. Both have the pros, but I don't really feel like either have their cons. I am really trying to avoid medication, and am hoping I can deal with it all naturally. I feel really drawn to going through the church, even though they are not licensed counselors... I may just do both, lol.
My Hubs has been such a trooper through all of this. He's held me while I've cried, and made me laugh with ridiculous jokes. I am soooo thankful that I have a supportive husband who understands that I am a crazy, grieving, infertile woman who sometimes just freaks out for no reason at all. We celebrated 9 years together the other day, and vowed that we'd do all we could to make the rest of our years together infinitely better than the last couple have been. I know he'll make such an amazing father some day.

Oh! Shout out to a fabulous friend who got her bfp last week!!! YAY!!! Our flawed logic was totally correct! You deserve it lady!

I'm Still Alive

I just have nothing to say.

Thanksgiving came and went, nothing was too exciting.

I am down to writing one more reflection, and just polishing up my portfolio for school.

I am going to start substitute teaching until I can find a full time job teaching.

I might start my Masters in the Spring

The end of February will be two years since I went off birth control.

I just have nothing to say.

It Was Nice While It Lasted...

It really was...

For almost a week I got to be in the blissful land of happiness that is known as pregnancy. Unfortunately, I overstayed my welcome, and have now been kicked back to that sad sad country known as infertility. Even further, I am being kicked down to the southern part of that country referred to as uninsured.

We've been dreading December 1st. December 1st is when we lose the amazing, fabulous, ridiculously good insurance that has afforded us the luxury of pursuing fertility treatments. Unfortunately, we have now reached a somewhat early end to the luxury, as with this miscarriage the hcg will not be out of my system in time to squeeze in one more try. Major suck. We won't pursue treatments that we aren't covered for, mostly because they'd cost about double what we make in a month... so obviously we just couldn't do it. And, I've already maxed out my credit card paying for the donor sperm that has come with each cycle we have done.

Right now we are just dealing. Just trying to make it through each day without having complete breakdowns. One Wednesday I went in for a fourth hcg, and my numbers went down to 324 (bringing the total to 371, 313, 360, 324) so we knew it was not going to be a viable pregnancy in any way. On Thursday I went in for an early (5 week) ultrasound, to see if the doctor could see any dilation of my fallopian tubes, since they were sort of suspecting ectopic. They couldn't find anything, and wanted me to go in for another hcg Friday, and another ultrasound on Monday. I went in Friday, and the numbers came back at 286... Game. Over.
I guess I already knew that... but it's just hard to hear. I guess I should have been happy to know that everything was starting to "resolve itself", but how the hell do you be happy about losing a baby? HOW? You just can't.

I can say honestly that I am distraught by this. It's horrible, and it comes in terrible sneak attacks. I went through this whole day being fine, until around 8 when I started to just descend into crappiness. It's horrible because on of my best friends is pregnant, and has a fabulous 18 month old, and I have NEVER felt jealous or angry while hanging out with them, until now... (sorry friend if you are reading this... I love you). Suddenly it effing sucks about 1000 times more than it did before to be around pregnant people. I think I have a hard time being around this particular (amazing) friend because from the moment I got my bfp I was THRILLED that we would get to be pregnant together. I thought about it so much, and now knowing that won't happen is a killer!

The Husband is not doing well with it. He wants a reason, not that I don't, but I think the whole needing a reason is more of a guy thing. He wants to know how we can avoid this next time. I keep telling him that it just happens sometimes, but he says that isn't a good enough answer. I understand... it's really not a good answer. It's a crappy answer.

I just want to know that all of this shit is happening for a reason. I want to know that some day I will have a healthy baby. At this point I'd be happy with one... I don't need two or three, I won't secretly wish for twins... I just want one. One.

I wish that none of our cycles had been successful. It would have been loads better than this. I knew this was a possibility, I knew it was. I mentally prepared myself for it, even before we started the cycle... but that just didn't make it easier. Quite honestly there has been one part of this whole ordeal that kills me more than anything else. The part that is so shockingly unfair that it actually makes it hard for me to breathe when I think about it. Being able to see my husband happy for four day. My husband who has been depressed for about 3 years now, because his sister is dying, because he can't get work in his trade, because he can't have children... was actually happy. Blissfully, delightfully happy. I haven't seen him smile and laugh like he did last week in so long. I haven't gotten to experience his joy for soooo long, and having back was amazing...and having it taken away has been torture.

Right now we are just keeping our heads above water. We know this won't destroy us, we know we'll make it through, but that in itself is the crappy part. We are in our 20's... we shouldn't be concerned with things hopefully not destroying us. That shouldn't be happening. We should be planning and having a family, not quitting the pursuit of a semi-biological family because we can't afford the thousands of dollars a month that it'll take to make that happen.

Is this my life? Is this our life? I'm pretty sure this isn't what either of us signed up for.

So, as you can tell, right now we are putting ttc on hold, at least for right now. We don't know when we'll be able to try again... it could be 2 months, it could be a year. It all depends on when the Husband can get back into his construction job, and back to the fancy union insurance, which hopefully won't have changed their infertility coverage by the time we get it back. I am planning to keep this blog up and running during our ttc hiatus, although it will be with super boring stuff, especially since school is over for me right now (wooo hooo teaching credential).

I know this crappy situation will someday be worth it. I believe that. I have to believe that. Someday my husband and I will be parents (and damn good ones at that!).

The Only Thing To Be Said Is...

Holy Crap!! This has been the most emotional 6 days of my life!!!

Let me take you back to Wednesday. I slept like crap on Tuesday night, so I woke up in the morning and tested...which I am normally so against...

lo' and behold



Cue the overwhelming happiness! I was shocked and excited. I silently screamed for about 5 minutes, then I told the Husband. He too was very excited.

Next step, my 14dpo beta, on Thursday

371

Cue the total freak out!! AHHHHH! Lovely high number!

This is where it gets crazy. I went in on Saturday for my 16dpo beta. They of course were backed up at the lab so I didn't get the results until last night.

310

:( That was the worst thing I had ever heard... why would that happen??
That is just adding insult to injury. A miscarriage to infertility. Why? And why did we tell our parents before the second beta. I wanted to kick myself.

Today I went in for another beta. I spent most of the day between feeling numb and crying. Husband was destroyed. We were so confused.

Today's beta... 360

WTF!?!?!?!?!

Now we are still just confused.... 371, 310, 360...

I don't know what's going on. I know there are a couple of options. I know we are not out of the woods. I will most likely have another beta on Wednesday.

I want to be happy about this. I want to know this will work out, but it's not starting out well. I am mentally preparing myself for a miscarriage, while still hoping and praying that things will work out and that in 8 months we will be parents.

I will update you (and by you I mean the literal one person who reads this... even though I talk to you every day anyway) when I know more.

LOL... ohhhh life... ohhhh infertility... ohhhh insanity.

Word of the day:

Infersanity: /n/ The insanity brought on by infertility. Tori was suffering from a severe case of infersanity

10dpo The Quick Update

Well, another cycle is slowly (ohhhh so slowly) winding down, and I have no idea what my feeling are about it. I can't say that I have any symptoms that scream "pregnancy"... at least none that don't also scream "progesterone". I've definitely got the heartburn, the cramps, the aching errr... well, who cares... the aching boobs, and I'm so very tired.... but that really means nothing for someone who is all hopped up on the P ;)

I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but darn it hard! We've only got one more try (at least in the near future) before our insurance runs out, and I am thankful for that one try, but man, I hope we don't need it.

I am not going to test until Thursday, and normally I wouldn't even do that, but as usual I've managed to have some miraculous planning on this cycle. Thursday is also the day I go in for my beta (blood pregnancy test), and I'll get the results on Friday morning... why is that significant? Oh yea... Friday is my last day in my student teaching class. I love my class, and I know I'll probably already be a little bit of a wreck having to leave them. I thought about not calling until school was over for the day... but please!! That just seems like torture. So, if I can get my good cries out on Thursday, then I'll be good on Friday when I call, or at least if I cry they'll just think it's because I'm sad to leave them.

On the school note, I've only got about... hmmm... two weeks left of work, and then I am done with the teaching credential program! I've got one more standardized test to take, but other than that I am done!! I've met my goal...teaching credential by 23! I've got two teaching/professional goals that follow. One I'll probably meet, the other one maybe not. One is to start my Masters, and be done within two years of starting it. The other was/is to have my own classroom by 24, but I am kinda hoping this doesn't happen. Why? Because at this point if I get pregnant, I'll probably be having the little soy bean too close to the beginning of the school year for me to start... which is fine by me :D

So, that's what I've got going. Staying hopeful, but not getting my hopes up.

Oh, I thought I'd leave with a little bit of humor... this is my life... those who I talk to regularly... or really those ttc or struggling with infertility will all totally get this. btw... Hopefully everyone gets that this does not mean blog comments lol... just general every day comments.

Gimme the Good Stuff!!

I came home from my CD2 doc's appt on Tuesday with a vast assortment of syringes and needles. What a weird thing to have just laying around the house....

This cycle is when things start to get really real. We need this to work, and fast. For one, we lose our good (amazing, fabulous, best thing going for us right now) insurance on Dec 1, when Husband becomes eligible for the crappy insurance at his new job. This week I am going to try and see if there is any way we can keep the good insurance, rather than accepting the bad... but I don't think so. We have this cycle, and the next... and then we are SOL, at least until Husband can get back to his old job. The second reason it's getting real is because I expressed my concern about the first issue to the NP that "cycles me" and she has decided that we need to step up the drugs, skip over step two (which would have been Femara), and go straight to the good stuff... injections.

I started on Wed (which was CD3), and went back in yesterday for some monitoring. Right now I've got some follies happening, so that's fabulous. I had one that was 12mm (pretty good), one that was 10 (good) and a BUNCH of smaller one. I don't know if any of those will actually do anything, but maybe. Right now I am hoping that I release 2 or 3, but I'd be happy with one.... I'd be happy with anything I can get.

We just need this....

It is mildly terrifying. I am scared of getting over stimulated, and I am scared of getting pregnant with multiples. I've had three medical professionals tell me, in the last 5 days, that I am at a very "high risk" for multiples. I think it would be a little less scary if they didn't use the phrase "high risk". I don't know... I just want a baby... can I just have that??

In other, totally ridiculous news, that I told Kate I'd definitely be venting about. I found out that someone I know is pregnant again. Oh? Pregnant again you say? Not such a big deal...people do have more than one child. Oh yea? Their other child is barely out of the womb!! Oh, and they are unemployed, high school drop outs... yea.. no big deal. The best was the way I was told... it was phrased to me as "I have some great news, wanna hear" from another relative. WHEN I ASK, WHEN, WOULD THIS EVER BE GREAT NEWS TO ME!?!?! You want to know when... never. NEVER! I know that I shouldn't be mad about other people getting pregnant, and I'm not really even jealous, I'm just baffled. Baffled at life's little unfairities (yea... I made that word up).

Let's seeee.... no, nothing else is really going on with me. I have another appointment on Monday to see how my follies are doing, and I will have my IUI at some point next week. I'm just a ball of emotions, as usual. I wish I could be hopeful, but sometimes it just feels like I go through the motions each month with no real hope of actual getting pregnant. I'm ready for it, Husband is ready for it... come on baby! Be ready to come to us!!

Oh... this is cycle number 20 since I went off birth control... that's a special little thought for me to keep in my mind... lucky number 20...maybe...hopefully?

Third Times a Charm? Hopefully....

So, I've been not so great at keeping this thing updated, but I've got a couple of excuses...lol.

School has been insane!! Luckily, I will be done with my student teaching in about a month and a half, and then after one more standardized test, and some paperwork, I will be a fully qualified, fully unemployed, fully teachery teacher!! I'm super excited, although I'd be a bit more thrilled if I had a job lined up. Right now I'm planning on subbing, which is a great job that involves no responsibility or planning after each day is over! That's my kind of job!!

Aside from that I've pretty much just been so down about fertility that I haven't wanted to depress everyone else with my crappy thoughts, lol. I've been doing with the "if you don't have anything nice to say" approach, but I figured today I could break the silence a bit.

This morning we found out that cycle 2 was a bust.

It sucks, bit time. "Sucks" doesn't even cover it, but since I don't want to burn anyone's eyes with what I want to say, so I'll leave it at that.

The big decision now is whether we want to step up the fertility drugs this month. I've got mixed feelings about it, since there is a chance of getting overstimmed, andddddd since we lose our insurance in two months, a cancelled cycle is the last thing we need. No matter what we decide I am done with clomid, it thins out my uterine lining too much, and is probably the reason that the last two cycles have failed.

So... that's where we stand. We feel like we're stuck behind some window watching as all our friends effortlessly get pregnant.

We are trying to stay hopeful, but we know there is a chance that we may be waiting a long, long time for this.

Another Cycle, Another Dollar

Cycle number 2 has officially started! Well, it started a couple of days ago I guess, but this is when I'm writing about it.

I'm feeling good about this cycle so far. I'm trying to keep my thought positive.

Last night I started my clomid, which is the same dose as last cycle, whoo hoo! The NP at my office had talked about cutting it because I had had 3 follies with a fourth that wanted to make it, but the good doctor doesn't think cutting the dose is a good idea. Bring on the follies and the hot flashes!!

At this point I am guessing that my IUI will be next Friday, just because that's how my cycle days landed last month. We are using the same donor, which I feel good about, because he really was our top choice, and I think he's a really good candidate.

Downside of this cycle... I am going to be away at camp with my fifth graders the week I supposed to test!! I'm thinking that each month there will be something even crazier that I'll have to do each cycle while I'm waiting to find out. First, a trip to visit family, now a trip to camp... Any suggestions for next month? Maybe a trip overseas?

Husband and I dealt better than either of us suspected with the last cycle not working out. I figured we'd be a wreck for the weekend, but really, we just weren't. By Sunday I was pissed about the money we had spent, but that's about it. We are both just stoked to actually have a chance at this, so it didn't totally destroy us that it didn't happen the first time.

I really don't have much else going on, fertility related that is. I am thinking about volunteering for RESOLVE, which is the National Infertility Association, as a peer group leader, but I'd probably not be able to do it until I was done with student teaching in November.

Soooo, I guess we'll see what pans out. Right now I'm just taking things one day at a time, and trying not to think to far ahead about what could or should happen in the cycle. I'm hoping, wishing and praying that this will be the cycle that we get our bfp, but I'm not counting on it, or getting my hopes up.

Bye Lovelies!

Nothing Like...

A fresh batch of failure to start off a weekend.

I got my beta results back... not pregnant.... cue the two day pity party.

IUI #2 here we come.

I am happy that I get to stop my progesterone... the non stop headache has not been pleasant.

Hopefully AF will show so we can get the next round started.

Umm Duh.

I pretty much forgot to mention the highlight of the past week.

Last week while I was in New Jersey I got to make a little side trip to see my good friend Kate!!!

Kate is one of the IF girls that has kept me sane for the last year and a half. She's one of my every day talk to-ers. I'd probably have gone totally crazy, and spent $1000 on wasted pregnancy tests without her there to keep me positive, and keep me from testing at 2dpo :D



Oh, on the same subject. The planning for this trip totally made me feel like a fifteen year old. Do you remember how that was? I felt like I was right on the edge of having my independence, but my mom still wanted to "keep an eye on me". For one, I was forbidden to drive the car. Hi... I'm 23, married, and maybe pregnant... I just completed around of semi-intense fertility treatments. Anyway, once I got there it was also a bit like this, as my mom and Kate met, we ate lunch, and then I was given like 3 hours to hang out with my friend. It was quite the experience in humiliation.

On the upside, Kate and I had a great time trucking around on water taxis, looking at old homes we wish we could purchase, and sweating our butts off until we stopped and ate some delicious gelato. Oh, well, the gelato came 2 hours after a fabulous seafood lunch, and an hour before the fudge... it was a bit of a food adventure which is fine. by. me.

Thanks Kate for showing me around, and just being awesome in general!

Updatey Update

Today I am 12dpo, yippee!!

I was out of state for the last week, so I didn't post, even though I thought about it quite a lot, and actually wrote a really long entry that I'll post here in a couple of days.

So, everything is going fine I guess, lol.

I would say that I've had pregnancy symptoms, but any symptom I think I may have had, or may be having is easily explained away by the crazy dose of progesterone I've been on since 48 hours after the IUI.

On the subject of the progesterone... it sucks. That's pretty much all I can say about it, haha. It's the worst part of the cycle by far (unless I get a negative blood test, then that'll be the worst). Why is it so bad you ask? Oh, because I am putting these oral pills...well, not in my mouth, I'll tell you that much. Twice a day I put one of these lovely yellow pills as close to the possible fetus as it can get... if you get my drift. My body actually seems to be absorbing quite a bit of this lovely little, side effect riddled, hormone. The rest it just spits back out...awesome.

So, these two days, Wednesday and Thursday, are the tough ones. The ones where I am going crazy about finding out if our $800 investment paid off, or if I'll be looking forward to the whole crazy experience again.

I don't really have too much else to say, except that of the many crazy things I've started doing to up my chances this cycle, I'd have to say that holding my laptop down by my knees as to not overheat the possible baby is the craziest, and the one that's hurting my arms the most.

Bye Lovelies.

IUI #1 (and hopefully only)

So, here is something I never thought I'd say, let alone every be excited to say...

Today I was inseminated with donor sperm... and I am ecstatic! Actually it has been a rush of many different emotions, but mostly I've been happy.

Here we go... the details of



We got to the appointment promptly at 8:30, with our huge tank of potential baby in hand. They called us in pretty quickly which was nice, since I was starting to get anxious. The process was pretty interesting. We went with Nurse BB into what Pat later told me was the...eh hem... "specimen collection" room, lol... I was wondering why there was a chair and a tv in there... but anyway, we went in, and Nurse BB went over our personal info, and looked at our IDs. Then she took the tank out of the box, and opened it... this is where I started to feel like my life was a science fiction movie. Smoke poured out of the tank, it was very dramatic, haha. Then Nurse BB pulled stick out of the hugemongous tank that had one little tinnnnny, half a cc vial of future human. I would say that this is when it "got real", but pretty much every minutes since it's been getting more and more real. Anyway, we went through all the information checking with the vial and then she told us to go hang out in the coffee shop and "just relax" for the next 20 or so minutes... ya... I'll try that.

While we were there we had some fun with our camera, lol.




(Hubby wants me to say he doesn't think this picture is good of him, and he's not happy about it being here)



and my fave...




After our little adventure in coffee land we headed back upstairs to the RE's office. This is when I really started getting nervous, and when they called us back to the room, I starting sweating...lol. The funniest part of the IUI was definitely the doctor asking is Hubby wanted to push the syringe of semen into the catheter... he politely passed on that opportunity. The IUI was easy peasy, I barely felt the catheter, and the whole thing took all of 4 minutes. So, as of 9:51am this morning, I have been inseminated.

The rest of the day has been... slow. I am already hating the tww and I am not even a day into it!! Ahhh! But I'm trying to stay hopeful, but it's hard. I'm trying to think positive thoughts, but those nagging little negative ones keep sneaking in. I've definitely been having ovulation pains today, which makes me super happy, and I'm hoping hoping hoping that those little spermies are finding at least one of those eggs!!

Right now I'm just impatiently waiting... and trying not to stare at the evidence of the insemination that I was able to keep...




oh... p.s. that little vial held well over 25 million lovely sperm, with good motility :D


Wish me luck!

Bye Lovelies!

IUI TOMORROW!!

Okay, so I'd totally be lying if I said I wasn't at all excited, but honestly, I've been doing pretty good so far about not getting my hopes up.
I feel like I have good chances... what with a possible 4 eggs being released, and our donor having super good sperm (hahaha, such weird things become normal to say when dealing with infertility). Anyway, I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, and I appreciate all of my friends who have been telling me that even if I'm being pessimistic, they'll be optimistic for me (I love you guys)

So, last night... the shot, super easy! I did record the entire thing on my webcam, but it didn't really pick up my audio, so I am going to narrate over it. In the meantime, here are some pictures!!!! Aren't you lucky!









I've decided to add something new to the blog this week.
sooo, welcome INFERTILITY JEOPARDY!!

This might eventually become a game, but right now it's just starting out with me.

So, Infertility Jeopardy Round 1
Let's choose Pictures, for about $750...




hmmmm... okay, I'm ready to answer.

What is.... something I never thought I'd have in my house...

Bye Lovelies <3

What Can I Say... I'm An Overachiever

So, I went in for my CD10 u/s this morning... wishing, hoping, and PRAYING that I had at least one follie (for my non IFey friends, that's where the egg will eventually come out of), and low and behold... I'm just a darn overahiever!

4 FOLLIES!!! Holy crapola! In reality I only, probably, have 3 that will release eggs, which is good, since technically if there are more than three they are supposed to cancel the cycle. But there they were, two 17mm follies on one side, one 17mm and one 15mm on the other side. I'm stoked, but nervous... I don't want quads, lol, or even triplets (don't get me wrong I'd take them!).

So, what does this mean? Well, first it means I will take my HCG trigger shot tonight!! Whoodeee whoooo! I'm not nervous at now... why you ask? Oh, because today after my short "injection class" at the hospital I had to give myself a practice shot. It was super easy and not painful at all!! The Husband is still going to record me doing the step by step tonight, which he's weirded out by, but tooooo bad!
So, trigger shot tonight, and then FRIDAY at 8:30am I have my IUI!!! AHHHH HOLY CRAP!!! Is this really happening?? Finally?! Pinch me please! Owww. After that it's just the normal, craptastic, two week wait... fun.

Other than that I will say that I am mildly weired out that from where I am sitting I can see the tank that holds our potential future children. When we got the tank I just stared at it, Hubs said "did this just get real?". We are both excited, anxious, scared, and a million other emotions.

I can't wait for the next step of the adventure to begin, and although I know that it might not work this time, I have a good feeling about it, and Hubs and I are just happy that we finally have a chance!

I'll finish off with some pictures that the Husband was super uncomfy about taking, hhaha...







Bye Lovelies!!


oh!! hopefully I'll get that video up tomorrow!

CD9 Theee Fiiiiiinaaalll Countdowwwwnnnn

So, today is CD9, and my emotions are taking over. Not sure if it's the clomid (I def blame the breast pain, hot flashes, and ovary pain on that) or what, but man! my emotions are on overdrive!!

Tomorrow I go in for my CD10 ultrasound, and hopefully all will go well. I am hoping to have 2 or 3 follies that are all ready to release good, healthy eggs. I know that I am not supposed to want more than one, but I just want high chances!!

If all goes well tomorrow I will either be giving myself my trigger shot tomorrow or on Thursday. I am totally nervous about it, but have vowed that I will do it by myself, and am making Pat record it so that I can post it here!!! Aren't you guys lucky?? You'll get to see me be a total nervous wreck, almost live!!

So, that's what's going on. I will try and post tomorrow, although the next couple days will be a bit crazy, for some reason I thought it was smart to schedule an observation at school on Thursday... how very wise of me.

Well, wish me luck, wish me follies, send me baby dust! The final countdown has begun!!

Bye Lovelies!

Day 3 of Clomid...

Hello hot flashes!!

Wordless Wednesday #1

The Best Laid Plans of Infertiles

So, yea... it's been a while, I know.

What's been going on? So very much.

First, we'll get this outta the way because no one cares about this part, lol. School started. Woo Hoo. Back with a new class of awesome 5th graders. I never, ever thought I'd love 5th grade, but now I find myself hoping that that's where I'll get placed once student teaching is done. The first week of school is crazy, but it was fun. I am already ready to be done in November :D

Okay, on the fertility side of things.

1) I thought I got our insurance cancelled. I freaked! If you are one of the people I talk to outside of this blog, you know that "freaked" is probably an understatment. I didn't notice it until Friday evening, and had to spend the whole weekend having mini panic attacks. I called Monday, they said my mistake was "no big deal". I wanted to say WELL THEN WHY, ON MY STATEMENT, DOES IT SAY IT IS A BIG DEAL... WHY ARE THE WORDS PERMANENT CANCELLATION USED!! DON'T YOU KNOW I'M INFERTILE!?!? AF IS ABOUT TO ARRIVE, I NEED THIS INSURANCE!" Anyway, I didn't. I just said okay.

2) Yesterday was CD1!!! YAY!!! This is going to be the first month Hubby and I actually have a shot at this whole pregnancy thing!! Sidenote: I was so horribly ill yesterday, I guess it was food poisoning that just didn't set in for a while, Hubby and our friends had it also, and we are all better now, so I guess that's what it was. So, I still had to go in for my CD1 ultrasound and stuff even though I was dying of sickness, but the RE's office was great and I was in and out of there within 15 minutes.

3) The Plan: Here is what this cycle will look like
CD2 (today) - I have to go in for some bloodwork and pick up my prescriptions
CD3-7 - 50mg of Clomid each night
CD10 - another ultrasound
CD11 - HCG trigger shot
CD12 - (August 28th!!) IUI!!!
CD13-AF showing/1st Trimester - 200mg prometrium (progesterone) vaginally a day

I need to call the Cryobank and get the donor sperm here by the 25th so that I can take it into the office with me on the 26th (my CD10 appt).
So, that's it... that's what this cycle looks like for me. It's funny how my non IF friends keep saying how "crazy" this regimen is, and all my IF friends keep saying how easy I have it, lol. Which I know I do, clomid and a trigger shot is nothing compared to what some of my lovely ladies have to go through each month.

Other than that the only thing coming up is a trip to New Jersey. The husband is none to happy since this trip takes place a couple days after the IUI, and he apparently thinks I should be on immediate bedrest after the procedure. I am hoping it makes the tww go by fast! The day I get back I'll be on CD10 I believe, so then I'll only have a few more days of waiting to see if we start the process again, or if I am finally preggers!! Also while I'm in New Jersey I think I'll have the chance to make a quick side trip and visit my good friend Kate :D I'm super excited about that, although it'll prob be a huge cry-fest lol.

Well, that's what's going on with me, lol. Sorry if my writing is more rambly than usual, I am still in sickness hangover.

Bye Lovelies :D

The TWW

Oh the two week wait... I've not been missing that! Now I am right back into it.

I had my saline sonogram today (mild ouchies)! My tubes were clear, yay!!! the saline passed right through and it was cool to see the little bubbles cruisin' around in there. Also, while he was doing the exam I asked the RE if he was going to check my follies... he said that they normally didn't, and asked me when I normally ovulate (what cycle day). I told him it was normally around day 12 or 13, and that today was 11, so he said he'd check it out if he could get a clear view... and he did, of one side at least. I had one good 19.4mm follie!!! YAY!!! that's awesome. I'll probably still end up using Clomid, and then doing a HCG trigger to they know exactly when I'll O, which is fine with me. I'm just super excited that all looks well on my side. I was nervous that we'd be in that "lucky" 10% that both have fertility probs (that would be super lame! to say the least). Anyway... sorry if I'm not making sense, I just took a 7-9pm nap... very strange...


OH! I am going to have to make this blog private... I've been going back and forth on it, but my class at school is going to be having a blog. I'm already wondering what I'm going to do since when you sign in you have access to both... I'm not sure how I can make one hidden... we'll see... That won't be happening for a few more weeks though :D

Oh! but anyway (haha, wowzers at my line of thinking), we will be doing a cycle in AUGUST!!! HOLY CRAP!!! I'm so excited... now I'm just in the tww until my period starts and we get this all started! AHHHH!!!!

(yay!!)

Bye Lovlies

As Promised!!!

Let me just start by saying wowzers...powerzers....

So, I promised (mostly myself) that I would update this after our RE appointment, but so much has happened since then, that it has taken me all weekend to get my thoughts together.

So, the appointment itself was fairly normal, except that it started super late, and we were there for almost 3 hours. Oh, and the fact that no one told me that I'd be getting a vag u/s... what a lovely surprise, right? I had that done, and lucky for me I am producing follicles like crazy... CD3 with about 20 of them growing around in there. Figures I'd be all follied up, and Husband is all spermied down...

We had our little "consult" with Dr.Good (that's not his name, although that's how the pharmacy lady said it, and so far we think he is.... so, we'll keep it like that right now) which basically went over our fertility history... it was short.

Then we went in and talked with the caseworker, who we'll call BB. BB looked over our insurance, and highly encouraged us to move quickly, since I had mentioned our current insurance would run out in 9 months (that is a whole other long story that I'll skip right now). Anywayyyy, what it comes down to is that we'll have to pay for the sperm (obviously), and the meds, which won't be too bad... I'll need Clomid, and HCG trigger, and then some progesterone ($10 each under our insurance), and $20 for the actual IUI... $550 for the whole sha-bang!!! SAY WHAT!?!?! So.... drum roll....

WE ARE GOING TO START CYCLING NEXT MONTH!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!

Yea, crazy, I know... such a drastic change of plans... but we think it's right (and we want to take advantage of our insurance)

Part 2 of the exciting stuff...

We found our donor!! How bout that??? Yea, fast, I know. We've actually been looking, but hadn't done a really serious narrowing down. On Friday night we searched and searched.

Here is a list of our criteria:
hazel, brown, or green eyes
brown hair
5'8" - 6'0"
160 - 190 pounds
CMV neg
previous pregnancies
athletic (this was Hubby's request, haha)
college grad (all of them have at least a four year degree, who knew?)
no serious illness/disease in fam history (we went back 3 generations)

I think that was it... I can't remember any others.

So, by Friday night we had narrowed it down to three... we gave them nicknames which aren't terribly important, but helped us remember them, rather than by their numbers.
Nicknames: Favleck, Dirty Job (DJ), and Mathlete

We slept on it.

We woke up thinking the same thing... Dirty. Job.

I know... a friend commented that she "wouldn't want that inside her"... I know, I know... but really... he's the best option... he fits in almost every way.

So, there ya go... DJ it is... next month it is... HOLY CRAP... I might be pregnant by the end of next month. I'm going to tryyy and not get my hopes up that it'll happen on the first time, I know that it will probably take a couple, but I'm praying it won't take more than three times. We'll see :D

We are super excited, scared, and every other emotion ever!! AHHHHH!!!

As for the rest of the weekend, yesterday we went to church, and hung out with our friends, and today we went to the Garlic Festival. It was two hours away, and not worth the drive... but we've been saying that we want to go to it forever, and we finally went. I'm glad we did. I had a really good day with the Hubby.

Here is a pic of me not eating garlic flavored ice cream...



I felt bad because right after us they ran out... and I didn't eat it because it made me want to barf... butttt what can you do... at least I tried it :D

So, alllll of that being said, this weekend was crazy, and good, and crazy.

Tomorrow I have a saline sonogram, which is hopefully really just the formality they are saying it is. I'm gonna pop a vicodin before I go, because I'm a wuss, lol.

Anddddd, I'll update when I know more!!!

Bye Lovelies!

I Am Promising Myself That I Will Update This Later....

I'm sitting, I'm waiting, I'm worrying...

I'm not even at the RE's office yet, and I'm already feeling anxious.

We won't be doing any cycles until at least November, and I'm already panicked.

I know the Hubs is capable of handling the decision we are making about family building, and yet I'm terrified of what our lives will be in a year.

I can't stop myself from being overwhelmingly emotional about the road that lies ahead.

I am on CD3 today (what great timing!! A RE appt on CD3!! what are the chances?). What does being on CD3 even mean to me anymore? We aren't TTC, right? We won't be doing any DI cycles until the end of the year, but I can't stop counting my cycle days. I can't stop stressing every month about having an "regular" cycle.

Last night I went to dinner with a teacher friend I hadn't seen since early June, when we had still been on the road to adoption. I didn't bring up fertility stuff... I know I do it too much, I'm trying not to force my IF issues on people. Read my post about my self-diagnosed SAD (Social Acceptability Disorder... wow... SAD... what a horrible made-up-disease acronym). Anyway, she brought it up, asked if we had picked an agency and whatnot. I told her about the new "plan", or plan of a plan. The first thing she said, "wow...will your husband be able to handle that?", my response "it was his decision" (Sidenote: it was really OUR decision, but I have told him numerous times that I am fine with whatever family building option we choose, as long as it included a family). Her next concern, "do you think he's just worried you'll resent him if he doesn't let you be pregnant"... HOLY HONEST OPINIONS!! Did I mention I'm on CD3!?!?! I can't take heavy emotional topics like this!! My Hubs and I are totally open about our feelings, and I do not think that at this point he feels that way. I think he wants to be a dad... more than anything. I think he is incredibly selfless and strong for giving me, giving us, the chance to use DI. I will admit that it terrifies me that he'll pull away later on... but he can't, or doesn't want to, think about that being an option... Wow...this is not where this blog started out at... lol, but I do tend to ramble.

Anwhooo, I digress...

Back to our RE appointment.

I have so many questions!! So many! I promised myself that I'd write them down, and I didn't. Now I'm mentally going over them. Thinking about writing them down on the way to the appointment, which is in 40 minutes!!

I want to know everything... I want to know everything will be okay.

I want to know that my Hubby and I will leave the hospital with a healthy child within the next year and a half or two... is that to much to ask? I know it is...

I am hoping I doing cry when I am there... My emotions have been on edge all day (all week really). I cried when my car didn't pass it's smog test, I almost cried when the pool maintenance man got on my case at work today. I'm thinking that I'll make a fool of myself at the docs. My guess is that it'll be when we discuss money... ug, money!

Okay, as the title says, I will update this after the appointment, and the bloodwork... oh, gotta love bloodwork...


Bye Lovelies!

Nothing New...

Well, I am trying to be a good blogger, and am updating even though I don't have anything that great to share.

Things going on for me...

1) Work - Teaching swim lessons is the easiest fall back job to have. I'm so glad I've been fortunate enough to have a steady summer job... we sure need the money!!

2) School - ONLY 3 WEEKS till school is back in, I can't believe it! Summer has gone by pretty fast, and while I'm not looking forward to the lack of paychecks once school is back in, I am looking forward to student teaching. I'm stoked about a new class of fifth graders, and I'm even more stoked that it'll be my last semester!! I'll have my credentials in Dec!! I probably won't have a job... but I'll be qualified...

3) Fertility - Not much going on here. We have an appointment with our RE this Friday to discuss the whole process of Donor Insemination (DI). We know the basic process, but we have questions, so I'm hoping that we can get some answers. I'm really hoping that they'll give us a list of Cyrobanks that they recommend, since we have no idea where to start looking. We did find a SpermCenter.com... Hubby asked if there was a "SpermMart" as well, and if they had better prices (oh jokey Husband).

At this point Husband is still out of a job, although he has been working really hard to remedy that, and has a good strong lead on one job (we are hoping and praying that it works out), we can't start any fertility treatments until he's working.

I've been trying to be super good about getting in shape, although my "weight loss ticker" hasn't moved much, lol.

What Husband and I really need is a weekend away!! We've been so stressed, and Hubby has been so down :( It's taking a lot of my emotional strength to not break down, and to stay strong with him, but it has been TOUGH!! I'm hoping things start getting better, and I'm trying to keep the faith, and put my trust in God, but wowzers, it just get's rougher and rougher! I guess it's always darkest before the dawn, right? That's what I'm hoping for at least...

Hope everyone has a great week!!

Social Acceptability Disorder

Hopefully I'm making this disorder up, if I'm not, and you have it, sorry in advance.

So, As you know, I teach. In the summer when school is out, I teach swim lessons. Well, today as I walked through the gym I teach at back to the pool I teach in, I noticed that one of the regular little girls that attends summer camp was sans brother. I asked her where he was, and she answered "Oh, he's getting breakfast with Dad, then he has a checkup". Fair enough, I thought, and went about my business. Later on, Brother shows up. Brother (6 yrs old btw) walked over to me, and I asked how he was doing. I noticed one of his eyes was a bit puffy. I said "uh oh, allergy time huh? Did the doctor give you medicine." His straight-faced response, "oh that's not why I was at the doctors, I was there cuz of my weiner". My response "well, that's a bummer! I hope it gets better soon", we changed the subject. All I could think was wow, when do we gain the sense of social acceptability?

Suddenly I realized something. I think we (most of us, maybe not men) get a good grasp of social acceptability around 10. Then I realized something else... MY sense of that was GONE!

In the last year and a halfish or so, I have totally lost site of how to be tactful. I realized I have, with a straight face said things like "oh, yea, we had lots of sex at first", or "yup, I just prop my legs right under the pillow, oh yea! For at least 30 minutes". Then it got worse... it turned into "So, after they take a snip right out of his balls, they'll examine that" or "So, on the cycle day 3, I do the bloodwork, then after that it's some vaginal ultrasounds blah blah blah"

HOW FREAKING INAPPROPRIATE! And I don't just say this to my best friend. This is stuff I've explained to my parents, Hubby's parents, people who casually ask. My father doesn't live near me, and I tend to not keep him super informed on my life, but for some reason I felt it totally acceptable to explain the how Hubby and I had been diagnosed, this included details of the year of trying, and the testing.

So, why do IF's do this? Why is it totally acceptable to IM a fellow IFer and as them how their cycle is, or if they BDed last night? or how their "CM" is doing since it's about CD12...

WHY? Well, I'll give you my rationale. It has two parts. Part one is why we talk to other IFs... we want to know others are going through it. We want to know that we aren't the only ones stressing about our current cycle, about how our Hubby's are dealing ect ect. Everyone already knows this part.

Part two, at least for me, is the fact that when something happens, I just want to be informed. There hasn't been a problem in my life (or my family's life) in the last 5 years that I haven't googled within 10 minutes of hearing what the problem is. I assume others feel the same way. This assumption (ohhh to assume... I don't need to share the antidote, I think we all know it), I'm realizing, is wrong. I don't think people actually want to know, in detail, what goes on with mine and my hubby's sex life. I think some people, my besties and fellow IFs sometimes want to know, but the woman I haven't seen in 6 months who asks "how the baby making is coming... she probably doesn't (and doesn't need to).

I'm going to make an effort to keep a better handle on what I say from now on. To keep it more on the "we are actually getting ready to start fertility treatments" level, rather than the "so then they put a catheter into my uterus" level. We'll see how this turns out...but to help myself remember, I'm just going to keep the awkwardness of a six year old explaining his "weiner" problems in mind.

Bye Lovelies!!

Home for the Holidays

Let me just be real clear about my overall message of this post...

Holidays SUCK for all IFs! Ya, I said it... and I mean it... lol

I don't care if it's Christmas, or 4th of July (a Happy one to you, Reader), or freakin' Arbor Day... it sucks. Being around any group of people on these holidays sucks even more. I'm about to go to a BBQ full of people who know we've been trying for a year and a half or so now. I'm very self conscious about this. Now, I know I'm not the center of all these people's thoughts, but people know that extreme want for a baby that Hubby and I have had, and I know some of these people are going to be thinking "well, it's been an awful long time since they first started"... I am sooo hoping we don't get asked how it's going, because it seems that, on this topic especially, well... I just say the most tactless things. My general answer is to laugh and say "ohhhh ya know, turns out we cant actually have our own kids" and hope that they caught the gigantic "STAY OUT OF OUR BUSINESS" undertone.

I know that thinking is flawed, flawed because we put our business out there. We enthusiastically proclaimed to the masses that we wanted a baby, STAT, at the beginning of last year. Our closest peeps even knew that we started trying before our marriage. We didn't care, we wanted a freakin head start!

Something else that I am hoping to avoid at this BBQ. The fact that Hubby and I have also arrived at a whole new and strange point in our IF journey with the people who do know our situation. It's an awkward place... A place where friends don't want to tell us they are pregnant. They don't know how to approach the subject, and that makes me feel so sad. I've found out twice about people being pg randomly through others, who just assumed that out of anyone, Hubby and I would already know. We didn't...we don't... people think we'll freak out, that we'll be mad, or won't be happy for them.

Every IFer knows that pain in their heart when they hear someone else is pg... but it's not because we are mad at them, we are just sad for us. We are the queens (and kings) of the 10 minute pity party, the "I need a good cry" before we call this person to congratulate them. I'm realizing that while I hate being kept out of the loop, I also think it's okay for me to have this reaction, as long as I keep a happiness for them (and hope for myself) in my heart. It's okay to cry, and even "freak out" a bit...although probably not in front of that person. Hurt is okay, anger is okay, as long as it is something that can be moved past.

I think I've been doing a better job at controlling my IF emotions since I've been going back to church (non churchy people don't leave now, I wont get preachy). I think that in MY case, this has helped, which is great... I think that exploring what is out there to help has been a great step for me. I've been trying to pray before I go into a situation that might be hard for me (suspected pg announcements, lots of baby, that kind of situation) and it really seems to be helping me keep my nerves under control.

I guess I'll end with what has become my new daily mantra. It's not one that's easy to hold on to, because it does take so much faith, but it is something I'm chasing after, something I'm hoping will help me cope in the months and years ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

Love All of You! Happy 4th... don't set fireworks off too close to any vital parts...we don't need to complicate things more! We all need all that we can at this point!

Oh Golly!

It sure has been a long time since I have updated!! Bad blogger, bad! BAD!

So... actually there has been a whole lot, annnddd a whole lotta nothing going on.

First and foremost, while I will not be changing the name of the blog yet again, our family building option has changed. After much a late night of soul searching, as well as many many talks with friends, we have decided that (we think) we are going to use sperm donor. I know... shocking, right?

I was against it when we initially discussed it, and so was Pat... we wrote it off pretty darn quick. I just as quickly (we almost) resigned myself to never being pregnant. I stopped looking at maternity clothes online, I stopped wondering if the Kaiser in the next town over would EVER open it's brand spankin' new maternity ward, and I stopped thinking that I would get to watch my growing belly.

Well, imagine my surprise when my lovely husband came home one day and stated "I want you to be pregnant", my immediate response was "NOW?!". He said not quite now, but that he did want it. He had been talking with a couple friends who said they couldn't imagine missing the experience of their wives being pregnant, that they couldn't imagine missing the classes, that they could imagine missing their child come into the world. Hubby wants that, and he wants that for me! At first I was stunned. But I soon realized that I wanted it too. It's hard to imagine, knowing somewhere in my mind that the child that will grow in me wont biologically be Husbands, but at the same time it thrills me beyond all belief to know that I may actually get to be pregnant!! HOLY CRAP!!!! ME! PREGNANT!

My fear when the idea first came up was that Hubby would feel isolated. If we went with adoption we'd be going through the same process together. The child would not be either of ours biologically. With donor, I'm just worried he'll freak out someday, and not want to be a part of the baby's (child's) life. A huge part of me knows that would never happen. 99.9999% knows that Husband will love our children with all his heart no matter what, but it's that damn little percent that bugs me. I brought it up to Husband, he said he's scared too, but that's just because so much is unknown. Right now, I can live with that answer.

We had talked about putting all the baby stuff on break, talked about waiting till next year. Give us both time to regain our sanity. Now I'm not sure that'll happen (the waiting or the sanity). Husband still isn't working, but he actually does have some prospects, so that's a very good thing. We've also gotten in touch with our RE about a consultation. It's scary, but exciting.

It's been such a change, all of the things I'd written off our now back on the table. Each day I think of something else that I had told myself millions of time to forget about forever. I can't wait to remember more!!!

Off the baby topic... I am teaching swim lessons as a summer job, yay money!

ANDDDD tomorrow is our one year wedding anniversary!!!! YAY!!! We are too poor to buy each other anything, but we are going to go to dinner, yay sushi!!

Random side note... I asked Hubby why this first year of our marriage had to be the crappiest of our almost 9 years together. He answered "So the worst will be over with and the rest of our lives can be amazing!"

I <3 My Hubby :D

Bye Lovelies! Love you all!

"Have a fun Summer"

"Stay Sweet"

I really felt the urge to write both of these in the yearbooks belonging to the kids in my class today, the last day of school, but I wrote nice things like "It was great having you in class" and "You'll do great in sixth grade". It was, as I expected super bittersweet. I didn't cry, I was in a great mood all day. I went to one of the other school for a while in the middle of the day to watch the Kindergarten program that I was invited to, and when I got back my class was all ready with a surprise for me. This is where my emotions almost got the best of me. I was shocked. The little punks (that's a complete term of endearment) had chipped in money and gotten me a canvas tote (ahhh near and dear to my heart) with pictures of the class on it, a coffee mug signed by all of them (because "all good teachers love coffee") a picture frame with pictures, a teacher blanket, and a memory book that they wrote in a drew pictures. I was so happy. Robyn, my Master Teacher extraordinare, got me a bunch of teaching supplies, and a little digital photo viewer with pics of all the kids. It was fabulous! I will miss that class so much, it's going to be tough getting used to new kids in the fall, but I'm excited :D

OH! what? This is an adoption blog? Sorry, I forgot for a minute. I got so busy talking about the 28 kids I already have that I forgot my normal preoccupation with the babies in my future.

So, on Tuesday we went to our Foster/Adopt class. It was so much info, so overwhelming. I am probably going to have to write a separate blog about it lol, since it's late, and I knew I shouldn't have started a blog right now. But, the info was good. There weren't many people there, and only one other woman stayed for the actual adoption part. It's going to be a long hard process. They said it can take up to 2 years for an adoption to go through, and that the child can be removed from the home at any time during those years if the parents are deemed able to parent. And, I know that is supposed to be good, the best thing for the child, but the woman speaking was very real about the fact that we would feel very torn by this because they are probably not going back to a good situation, the state is only looking at the most basic standards of care. She told us that we just have know that for the time the child was with us that we made a positive difference in their lives. UG! So difficult! We still aren't even sure that this is the way we are going to go, but I am really glad that we went to the class. We are going to a class at a private agency (hopefully, if Husband is up for it) on Tuesday. We'll see, we might wait until next month for that one. I am learning that I need to take this slow, it's very overwhelming, have I said that already?

Also! I got my new netbook! It's pretty amazing. I am pretty sure this one is male, my initial thought was a casual type of male, but it's design begs to differ, this is definitely a fancy guy, possibly British? I'm not sure. He has yet to be named. I hope I am not this bad at naming my children! Cripes!

Rambling Rambles, and Show and Tell

Well hi there folks!

So, I can't really say that I have anything new to say about adoption, or foster/adoption (which is still what we are leaning towards). I have gotten a bum load of books to read, and am mostly just reading/stressing about the dreaded homestudy!! bummbummmbaaaaa... ya, the whole thing seems terrible, but I'm sure we'll make it through. At this point we are going to a foster/adopt orientation class on June 2nd (also my birthday) and hopefully we'll get some fabulous information.

Other things that are going on:
I only have 4 more days with my fifth grade class!!! It's so bittersweet. In Dec/Jan I was so terrified to go be traveling into fifth grade, and now I can't imagine being without those punks ;)
Now, that's overreacting a little bit, because in Fall I'll be back in fifth, but with a new group of kiddos. I'm sure it'll be bittersweet then as well, and in Dec when I leave for good I am sure I'll cry, I'm already tempted to cry now...

Oh gosh, I am totally in irrational, crazy b**ch AF mode! I just totally freaked out because I can't find the battery charger for my camera, or rather, the camera I'm borrowing from my mom, lol. I had to take some deep breaths, and stop myself from slamming stuff around. I do have another camera, which is pissy, and sometimes refuses to do anything that I want it to.

Okay, good news... and I am pulling a little bit of a two birds with one stoney right here.... it's time for....



The big news this week!!! My new netbook!! AHHHHHH! Happy Birthday to me!!! I actually don't have this little beauty in my hands yet, but she's on her way... well, it could be a he or she...we are waiting to find out the gender... hahahaha, oh jokes....btw, my desktop is a girl, my last laptop was also a girl, the one before that was a boy... thier names, respectively, Molly, Lola, and Mario (my car, a girl, is Charlie).


Awesome right? Just what I need for school stuff and blogging, and sooo tiny. Better than lugging my desktop around everywhere (AF makes me say weird things, blame her). I am pretty excited about this whole ordeal. I ordered from Verizon, so I had to sign up for their wifi anywhere thinger, but that's okay... I got the computer itself for a great deal. And I should it on Tuesday, my actual bday.

My other show and tell.... rollerblades! ya, I said it... not only do I have a new pair, but I may be in a roller gang. My good friends, #1 and #3 and their baby "the Tot", as well as Husband and I have been going blading just about every night...here is a pic of the blades... or rather, the blade...



I quite like them.

Okay, I'd better get going... I am in major psycho mode right now, lol... it's probably better if I just stop while I'm somewhat ahead, or at least while the Husband still loves me... lol

Going For It...

Yay! Name changing time!

This blog shall hereby be known as:

We're Opting For Adopting

yay! This might be grammatically incorrect, I can't decide. It's too much to think about, but it's cute... so I'm keeping it, lol.

HEY YOU!

Ya, all three of you who sometimes read this, lol!

So, I've been thinking about a new blog name, but I've been seriously coming up short on names... until today, maybe.

how about..... drumroll....

"We're Opting for Adopting"

???

Anyone???

Confirmation = Determination

So, even though we have pretty much known for 2 weeks that adoption was going to be our option, it was still a little difficult to see it (ya, in an email) this morning. Our Doc reviewed the lab results with another doctor and neither saw any sperm sells (LAME). He is supposed to call to discuss our "options" but hasn't yet. He talked to us about using a sperm donor before and when we both said we weren't interested he said he'd bring it up again if we got to that point... we are here, and still not interested.

I've been asked by quite a few people why we are not interested, and really, I guess all I can say is that we just aren't. I don't really have a "good" reason. I have a few selfish ones i.e. if I am going to be pregnant I want it to be with Pat's baby, not someone elses... and a couple other reasons, but mainly we just aren't.

So, moving on swiftly to adoption. We are terrified, but excited. We know it's going to be a long, crazy, emotional process, and can I say we are totally "ready" for it? No. I don't think we can be, at least not at this point. It's still pretty new...very new. I've contacted a bunch of agencies (wow, are there a lot!!) and we are signed up to go to a couple of classes over the next couple of month. Really the only thing keeping us from starting the process is Husband being out of a job. He's been jobless since November :( He feels so bad about it, and now with the added sterility...well, he's just not a happy camper. He's searching for a job hard, and I'm confident he'll find something, hopefully still in his field (he's a carpenter... Jesus's job right? Hecka Holy). Anywhoo, like I said, we are terrified, and excited, and looking for info, and trying not to go crazy!!!

We started our major house clean and organization today, get prepared for that homestudy...no time like the present, right? We've gotten rid of a TON of stuff, and put lots and lots in our garage sale pile.

OH!! I am going to be changing the name of my blog. Now that I have somewhat come to grips with the fact that "fertility wishes" will not be answered, and "BFP dreams" will not come true.... I just think I need a change. This might end up with me changing the blogspot address as well, but since I'll only have to inform like, 6 people lol, I'm not too worried. I don't know what I'll call it yet... is "The Road Less Traveled" too cliche? Is "Adoption is the New Pregnant" offensive? I don't know. Once I think of some real witty and awesome sounding names I may post a poll... not sure yet.

So... I'm sure there is more I want to say, but I can think of it. One of my adoption books arrived in the mail today, sooo that'll keep me from doing all kinds of schoolwork :D

Oh! Can you tell I'm a student and teacher at heart? This is the binder for adoption info I put together.




Oh... and here is a pic I took of my nephew at the fair over the weekend. He was so brave on all the rides!!

Nothing like...

A final confirmation of our inability to have children first thing in the morning.

More to come later today.

The Diagnos-tist with the Mostest

So, we are pretty much up poo creek without a paddle.

Having said that, we are pretty hopeful lol, if that makes sense at all. I think once I explain the the "poo creek" is a hope of natural fertility, and the paddle is made of a giant sperm... or maybe the creek is the sperm, and the paddle is... oh nevermind, you get the picture... hopefully, or maybe hopefully not.

We have poor Husband's official diagnosis: severe hypospermatogenesis... ya, say that three times fast, or even one time fast, it's pretty difficult.

Basically it just means that there is little to no sperm production. We are still awaiting the call to find out if it actually is "little" or "no", but we have pretty much decided that our new action plan is adoption. For IVF to work (if there is any sperm) we'd have to do TESE, which is a search and rescue mission in the ball area to find the sperm. Since Pat's production is very limited at best the doc said it'd be fairly invasive since they'd be rooting around in there quite a bit... I haven't thought of a clever name like ballopsy or balltrasound for that one yet... kind of a ballsection? I dont know. After that'd we'd be looking at IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically when they have to "incubate" the sperm outside of the body until they are all grown up and ready to do the deed. We've talked about this, and WOW, I think we might just pass up the crazy medical procedures and lowered chances of an IVF working and head straight down Adoption Ave. We aren't totally decided on this, and we know, from talking to the doc that he is still very unsure whether there is any sperm at all, in which case adoption isn't the most likely option, it is the ONLY option.

So like I said, we are many things right now
devastated, hopeful, scared, flabbergasted... so many other things, and most of them happening simultaneously.

I feel like it's not even my life. I was talking to a friend, and rattling off adoption facts, and I felt like I was just talking about something a friend was going through, or even just about something I had no connection with, but I guess I know that I do, it's just hard to accept. What step is that? denial? Maybe that's not a step, I think it's in the grief circle, not sure.

So, all of this being said, my blog is going through an identity crisis!!!! At this point I think "wishes of fertility" are pretty much non exsistent, and my "bfp dreams" are pretty much gone. I am currently thinking of new blog titles, and may even change the URL depending on what I come up with. Right now I'm liking "The Road Less Traveled" just because I really like the quote by Robert Frost.... although at the moment I feel a bit like this...

Defeated, at least for now...

We left the house for 30 minutes today.
During that 30 minutes the Urologist called and left a message.
"few to no sperm, I'll call next week to discuss options, but it looks like there isn't production"

Shit...

What's a Life Without Dedication?

HEY GUESS WHAT?
It's National Infertility Awareness Week...are you aware? You are here, you should be. If you'd like to become more aware, I'd suggest visiting my new fav fertility (or lack there of) site:

Fertility Authority!
www.fertilityauthority.com

They are great, and are the authority! You wouldn't argue baseball with Sports Authority right? I thought not. If something says it's the authority, just believe it, unless it's someone who says they are the $10 IVF Authority...don't trust that one.

I am probably getting way too obsessed with all of this, not like I wasn't before, but now I just feel like there is a world of information out there... and I want to learn all of it! I want to be able to "be my own advocate". All of the books suggest that we need to know all that we can, so that we don't get taken advantage of, and more importantly so that we understand all that the docs will be doing to our bodies. I just need the info!

Speaking of info, look what I got!!





How can getting books in the mail be the best and worst part of my day? Actually how can anything be the best and worst part of my day? I've been feeling this emotion quite a lot lately actually. I guess it's part of the roller coaster...

Speaking of which... we are still WAITING...oh my gosh, it's never ending. I should have known it would be bad when the Urologist said "about a week" for the results. ABOUT A WEEK!! What does that mean?? Don't they know how important this is?? I want a specific time and date, not an "oh I was too busy and didn't get around to calling" which in my mind is an exact translation of "about a week"... If they don't call by Friday I'm going to lose what little is left of my mind.

So, let me stay on this current trail of thought, which is complaining. I have had such trouble sleeping in the last few weeks. Actually I have always had some trouble sleeping, and last year was considering getting a prescrip...why didn't I get one?? Come on, all you TTCers know why...

Why would I get a prescrip if I was going to be pregnant!?!?! right?? Ug, I now know I just can't use that as an excuse. It's like "I can't buy these clothes because I'm planning on losing weight"... it's just nonsensical.

On the upside of things, my student teaching is going great...while I have tended to, on this blog, be a one subject type of girl, I just wanted to say that right now I am loving teaching fifth grade! I never ever thought I would want to be around fifth graders all the livelong day, but golly, they are just great. Makes me fear my old class of first graders!!

Another upside, my super duper cute nephew came over earlier in the afternoon. I may be bias but he's pretty much the best.



You want to snuggle him don't you? Yea, you do, just admit it. We made rice krispie treats, he decorated them to the EXTREME! We also played hellsa High Ho Cherry-O, and read a bunch of Clifford books. It was a fabulous afternoon. The Husband and him also bonded over some Rock Band, ahhh teaching a new generation to waste their days away, I love it.

Ug... there is always so much I want to say on here, and I forgot it throughout the day... I should really start writing down all my witty fertility jokes...

Later Days <3

(10 points, and a gold star, if you can tell me what cartoon that's from... Mrs.Webb *hehehe* is excluded from this competition, maybe Numero Uno as well...)

Show and Tell, Show and Tell, SHOW AND TELL!

Ya, that's right, Show and Tell...for me...not for my students, for me!

I'm taking part in






So, here is what I picked, it might not seem like much, but I will explain how it defines me :D









Here is the story... I got this bag on my honeymoon, which was in Disneyworld, but was not in 1971 as the bag states :D
That actually is three parts of the story.
1) Great memory of my honeymoon
2) A great canvas tote (more on this later)
3) A great reminder of my ability to spend tons of money on all things Disney, especially marketing ploys "buy $30 of stuff and get this bag for $10" SURE!!

I loved my honeymoon, it was so fabulous just to be alone with Husband for 10 days, far away from California, far away from family. That's probably horrible to say, but it's nice to get away sometimes. I feel like the next line I wanted to write should be written this way.... "twas a simpler time of life".... ya, I realize it was less than a year ago, but in my TTCing mind that's forever! I bought my copy of What to Expect while on our honeymoon... it was the month I was sure I'd get pregnant, the month we officially started trying, even though we'd been kinda trying for three months before that. I want to go back to that time, kinda...mostly if only to reclaim my sex life (sorry, TMI, but that's the way TTCing goes). okay, onward!
Canvas totes... I know I love 'em! As a teacher I think I pretty much have to. This particular canvas tote is the one I carry everday, as I make my way to the indentured servitude that is student teaching, knowing that one day I will teach masses of youngins all the stuff that the state wants me to teach them (bitter? not really, just realistic). This bag represents me as a teacher. My lesson plan, my curriculum books, my cute teachery classes... all in this bag.
I don't think I need to explain too much about how I spend all my money on disney stuff...



btw... I also collect Disney pins (this is about a tenth of the collection). There is no way to justify this collection...

Love you all!!

Ug, I don't even want to write, mostly I just want to throw things...
We don't have any news, Husband had his biopsy Friday, and we'll be waiting "about a week" for the results...lovely.

I'm just having a hard time today. Nothing really set it off, although going to buy clothes and realizing how much weight I've gained since we started ttc didn't really help.

I guess we are just waiting...

I bought some books about IVF the other day off of Amazon, gotta love those used books. We also went to an IVF clinic and got a ton of information, so that was nice. Their statistics pretty much rock, and that was the high point of my friday, although, considering the day consisted of Husband being in pain, I guess it was mostly just the not sucky point of the day.

We really like Husband's Urologist, although we probably won't stay with Kaiser for our IVF cycles, if they ever happen. Yes, I know this post is all over the place, lol, I'm just writing as I think, and since I think all over the place this is the result. We've pretty much come to the realization that we'd be waiting until Dec or Jan for any real move towards IVF. It seems like forever but since Husband is still awaiting a job, I'm still in school, and the grants for IVF take quite a while to go through, I guess that's where we stand. That might be why things aren't so great today, that's a tough realization to come to considering I could have a 3 month old right now if we'd gotten pregnant right away. argggg....

So, again, skipping back to where I was before... the Urologist... Here is a montage of Husband's moods.








Poor Husband right? I really do feel bad for the guy, but not bad enough to let him not do the testing.

Also, we mighhhtttt be looking into a "procedure", and by "procedure" I mean a four hour ball surgery for Husband. It's a vasoepididymastomy, how bout that!? Impressed? It's really a reverse vasectomy, even though DH hasn't had one, lol...mind blown? Mine too. They think the problem is that Husband has some sort of breakage... I'm sure I've explained this. Anyway, we don't know if our insurance is going to cover it, and it only has a 40% chance of working...again, what lovely odds... but we are looking into it. Again, all of this is assuming Husband is producing, which have I said, we don't find our for A WEEK!!! stab me in the eye....

I don't really have anything else to right except that today sucks, and I hope tomorrow is better. I am going to go make brownies, which I'm sure will help with the weight gain right? uggg... I better just stop writing...

How Would You Feel About Having Them All At Once?

Oh, gosh... I am the worst at blogging lol...
My plan was to update every time we got a new test result, and alas, I have failed horribly. We have had quite a few tests, but today got a somewhat real type of answer, or at least a narrowing down of options. Soooo here we go...

Husband went in for his blood work and everything was a-okay. I wasn't ever really thinking that was going to be a prob since he started growing a beard at 10. His FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is at a good level, which indicates that his body should be producing sperm. That made us happy. Moving on...

Husband had his ultrasound (his balltrasound) and that went well. He does have cysts on his epididymus which is apparently pretty common, and they don't think that is the reason for the blockage. His testes otherwise looked good (another good sign that he is producing).

Now on to the real fun. We went to see the Urologist today... I can think of no other name for this guy than Dr.Goofy-Guy (I may shorten this to Dr.GG soon, as he may be a fixture in our lives for the next few years). Anyway...we go in and are chatting about the regular questions, the tests we've done and whatnot, and then he asks "how many kids are you guys planning on having?" We answered "oh, 2 or 3, we really aren't sure".....his response, and the point where I knew it wasnt going to be great news.... "how would you like to have them all at once?" ya... suddenly I could only remember 3 letters of the alphabet. I.V.F.... not exactly what we were hoping for.

So, long story short of this appointment, because wowzers I am tired.

The Dr.GG says IVF is our mostly likely option, going off the fact that he thinks Husband is producing. We'll know that for sure after his biopsy on Friday (poor Husband), well, probably on Monday, not directly after.

So, with all that being said, I'm handling things pretty darn well, and so is Husband. We know we'll be parents someday, even if it's not the way we planned it to be, and I guess that's all we really need to know. We've been able to joke about things a bit...ex.
Husband: We need to buy a new truck
Me: We need to buy a baby
That kind of general malarky.
I know we'll be alright, it's just hard, anyone going through this knows how crappy it is to see pregnant women everywhere you go, or to see a pregnant woman smoking, or to hear about a teenage friend or relative who got pregnant "accidentally" (btw... I don't believe in accidental pregnancy...you'll prob here me complain about this more in the future). We're dealing, moving forward and looking at our options, weighing them out, trying to decide what we want and when we want it (What do you want? A BABY! When do you want it? Now!). Things are moving along though...the waits are killer, but friends (extra thanks to #1 and #3, you know who you are, we love you guys) and work help to pass the time.
I'll try and be better about updating, promise :D

While trying to find a picture for this blog I came across this... again, trying to end this on a somewhat funny note...this picture weirded me out.
Does this mean that Husband wants to be a naked pregnant woman??? Not sure... you be the judge...

Things I'm Realizing...

Okay, so I have been doing an incredible amount of soul searching, and an incredible amount of blog reading over the last week, and I am starting to realize some things.

1. Why are half the infertility blogs I read about teachers? I feel like almost every "about me" section I have read mentions "teacher" as an occupation, and many of them talk about Spring Break over the past couple of weeks. Is this some sort of sick joke that all of us teachers are being subjected to?!?! HAHA be around kids ALL DAY but too bad you can't have your OWN!

2. There is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy, and reading blogs that I can relate to is helping me with this issue in a huge way.

3. I have reached that point. The point where I will sacrifice almost anything to have a child. I know we can't afford much (I'd like to thank the economy for Husband being out of a job since before Thanksgiving), but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. If we can't buy a house for 10 years (we'll keep renting from my mom) , if I can't start my masters program (there's not jobs anyway), if we can't have the best of whatever we want (we need to save and budget more anyway) that's absolutely fine! If it'll give Husband and I the chance to be parent's then we'll do it.

4. I've started to believe in weird "signs". I was actually going to write a separate post about this,but just didn't. The biggest one was connecting with a friend from high school I haven't talked to in, gosh, we'll say 3 years, approximately, the night before Husband's SA. We got to talking about stuff and she explained that she too had been going through infertility treatments, and that they were dealing with the dreaded "Male Factor". The next day when we found out about Husband big ole zero I sent her a message, and got a great empathetic, informative email back. Weird that it would happen like that. The other things are smaller somewhat but still interesting. One of my "besties" is here on the Earth, and thus here in my life because of sperm donation (and a fab mom who rocks my world). My grandma was adopted, and always used to tell me what an amazing experience it was and how loved she felt. I drive the same road almost everyday and the day I was finally able to pull myself out of bed and go to the gym there is a new billboard up.... California IVF! I know, these all seem like not that big of a deal, but to me, well... I don't know, I'll just drop this topic.

5. I HATE telling family members about stuff, and I hate getting stupid ttc advice... I'll stop there on that one.

6. I LOVE being able to talk to my friends about way gross body stuff they don't want to hear about, and still know that they are listening and that they care.

7. Go with me here, it's a bit of sad humor... Husband and I will probably never have to use birth control again... how bout that...silver lining? yea... it's there

8. I love my husband. This past week has been incredibly rough for both of us, but we've had some great heart to hearts, and really gotten a lot of feelings and a lot of love out in the open. In a way it's been a relief to get all the pent up frustrations out, now that we aren't just reaching around in the dark for answers.

9. Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seat, pull down firmly on the restraints, and hold on for dear life... the fertility treatment roller coaster is about to depart!

Of SA's, AF's, CDs and Balltrasounds

Alright, I'm back!

After a week of feeling like total death, and not wanting to get out of bed, I have decided that I need to just stay positive about all this sh*t that is currently happening.

The Husband went in for his follow-up SA today. The results were supposed to take two weeks (in a normal situation) to get back, but as we suspected there was nothing in the semen to analyze, and thus we got the results this afternoon.

Our actual RE called us, we were out, and when we came home and I heard the message I knew it obviously wasn't going to be great news. We called back, he was with a patient, and the receptionist said he'd call back, he didn't call back in an hour... we called again, lol. And he was available!
As the phone rang Husband looked at me and said "no matter what they say, things will work out, we're in this together"... I felt instantly better about everything.

Dr. DBD (this is what I will call him, it stands for "Don't Be Discouraged", which is something he said to us about 10 times in our 4 minutes conversation) confirmed that indeed Husbands's sperm count is zero... "not a single sperm" he told us in his thick Indian accent. He is sending Husband to an Urologist who specializes in Male Factor Infertility. Before he goes in for this (the 20th...yay waiting) he is going to have blood work done, to check his hormone levels, and a testicular ultrasound (henceforth to be referred to as a balltrasound haha). Then he'll see this specialist who will most likely do a lot of poking and proding...this is Husbands payback for saying he wouldn't have to do anything uncomfy...HA!

In Tori news... My period (to be referred to as AF...short for Aunt Flow...sorry, I have realized I talk in ttc code a lot of the time, and not everyone who reads this is ttc-ing) is just about here, and never have I been so ready for her to just show herself! Once I am on CD1 I can get ready for my bloodwork on CD3... Husband and I are going in for our respective bloodworks together...how's that for "cute infertile" huh? His and Her's bloodwork. Our new joke about everything inferility is for Husband to say "we are in this together" and me to answer "present a united front!"... okay... it's not really a joke... we just say it to make ourselves feel better lol.
I'm trying to think if anything else is happening with me...no...lol.

Well, okay... non ttc related (aka most of you will probably stop reading now)
I have to have a sigmoidoscopy on Friday. This is like a small colonoscopy, and is mostly for the 50+ category of people, and apparently also me...lucky. Luckily my doc prescribed me some meds for this experience, because as a friend's husband so eloquently put it "the emotional ramification of a butt-pedo are irreversable". Anywhooo, this means that starting tomorrow morning and until 4pm on Friday I will be loading myself full of laxitives and clear liquid (TMI, and I dont care! suffer with me!). Also, all this fun sickness and ttc stress has given me a huge cold sore! (I am woman, hear me bitch!)

And, further out of ttc and body stuff.... Husband may be getting a new job, we are in the early application part of this, but keep us in your thoughts/prayers/journals/blogs/hearts (hehe), because if we are going to need IVF we need some serious steady money!!

Let's end with a laugh!